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AS A Lady WOULD SAY

Thomas Nelson

Contents

Introduction................................................ix62 Things Every Well-Spoken Lady Knows......................1Around Town.................................................13Friends and Lovers..........................................37Wining and Dining...........................................53On the Job..................................................63Affairs of the Heart........................................81At a Dinner Party...........................................87At a Cocktail Party.........................................97The Hostess with the Most...................................109Private Lives...............................................127Giving, Lending, Borrowing, and Sharing.....................141In Times of Sadness.........................................149Awkwardness Extraordinaire..................................159When Good Girls Go Bad......................................181Index.......................................................187

Chapter One

A lady knows how to begin a conversation.

* * *

Although a lady would never provoke an unpleasant confrontation, she knows how to deal with one.

* * *

A lady always thinks before she speaks.

* * *

Although a lady does not fret over the past, she also thinks after she speaks, assessing the correctness of her behavior.

If a lady realizes, in retrospect, that she is guilty of an unintentionally rude or thoughtless remark, she attempts to set the matter straight, at her earliest opportunity.

* * *

If a lady is subjected to a rude remark or rude behavior, she does not offer rudeness in return.

* * *

A lady allows others to finish their sentences. Even in her most brilliant moments, she does not interrupt others, no matter how dull their opinions might be—or how many times she may have heard their stories before.

* * *

A lady does not talk with her mouth full—even over the phone.

* * *

A lady is slow to judge the actions of others, in either their public or their private affairs.

Although a lady knows how to assert herself, she also knows when to keep her opinions to herself.

* * *

A lady does not take part in major arguments over minor issues.

* * *

When a lady learns that two friends are to be married, she tells the groom-to-be, "Congratulations," and offers her "Best wishes" to the soon-to-be bride.

* * *

A lady makes a conscious effort to use correct grammar, but she resists all temptation to sound stuffy and overly grand.

* * *

Faced with the option of using an unusual word or a word likely to be more familiar, she chooses the word that her hearers are more likely to understand.

Unless she is teaching an English class, a lady does not correct another person's grammar.

* * *

A lady does not use foreign phrases, unless she is absolutely sure of their meaning—and their pronunciation.

* * *

A lady does not pretend to speak languages that she has not made her own.

* * *

Even when speaking her own language, a lady does not use words that she can define only by looking them up in a dictionary.

* * *

Even in the most heated discussion, a lady avoids raising her voice. She does not shout others down.

* * *

A lady never asks another woman if she is pregnant.

A lady never asks another woman whether she is planning to get pregnant.

* * *

When a lady inconveniences another person by asking him or her to shift position so that she can move through a crowded room, she says, "Excuse me." She does not say, "I'm sorry," since there is no reason for her to apologize.

* * *

A lady never says, "I'm sorry," unless she has given offense.

* * *

A lady never begins a statement with "I don't mean to embarrass you but ..."

* * *

A lady asks no one—male or female—to divulge his or her age.

* * *

When a lady initiates a telephone conversation, she knows it is her responsibility to end that conversation.

Unless it is an emergency, a lady does not leave overly long messages on someone's voice mail.

* * *

A lady does not use her cell phone when she is at a table with others. Neither does she check her text messages, or exchange text messages with others.

* * *

If a lady knows there is the likelihood of an emergency call from her child's school or nanny, or if she is aware of an impending crisis at the office, she has every right to glance at the screen of her phone. If she suspects the issue to be one she must handle at that very moment, she steps away from the table to answer the call.

* * *

Once a lady discovers that she must decline an invitation that she has already accepted, she promptly alerts her host or hostess. She gives a frank explanation of the reasons for her change of plan and offers a sincere apology.

When a lady receives a number of invitations via voice mail, e-mail, or a social network site, she accepts the first one. Even in the world of the Internet, she knows it is rude to weigh one invitation against another.

* * *

A lady does not engage in arguments, of any sort, at the dinner table.

* * *

When a lady is confronted by arguments that she considers foolish, she does not attempt to refute them with reason. Instead, she keeps silent, knowing that logic is useless in the war against irrationality.

* * *

A lady never claims to have seen a movie she has not seen or to have read a book about which she has only read reviews. She knows how to say, "I haven't read (or seen) that yet, but from what I hear, it sounds very interesting. What do you think?"

In civil conversation, and when attempting to meet new friends, a lady asks, "What do you think?" as often as possible.

* * *

A lady gives direct answers, especially to controversial questions. She knows, however, that being direct is not the same thing as being rude.

* * *

A lady does not brag, especially about her own accomplishments or the accomplishments of her children.

* * *

A lady knows that the best kind of small talk consists of asking questions, not volunteering information about herself.

* * *

A lady never says, "I told you so."

A lady knows how to make an apology—and how to accept one.

A lady knows how to extend a compliment—and how to receive one.

* * *

A lady avoids backhanded compliments at all costs.

* * *

A lady knows how to make an introduction.

* * *

When it comes time for a handshake, a lady extends her hand, and is ready to do so.

* * *

For reasons of hygiene and simple good breeding, a lady makes an effort to keep her hands, especially her fingernails, clean at all times. She never knows when she will be introduced to a new acquaintance, and she never wants to feel reluctant to extend her hand in greeting.

* * *

A lady always carries tissues in her purse and is ready to offer one in times of great grief—or great joy.

* * *

A lady always attempts to make sure her breath is fresh, especially if she expects to be in close conversation with others. If necessary, she carries—and uses—breath mints.

* * *

A lady does not spread rumors. She is even careful about where she spreads sensitive facts.

* * *

When sharing messages or photos on the Internet, through any social network site, a lady chooses her words carefully, remembering that her thoughts may very easily be shared with hundreds of other "friends," the majority of whom she may never have met.

* * *

When she is invited to participate in some pleasant experience—whether it is a dinner party or a major-league baseball game—a lady does not dally before saying "yes" or "no."

* * *

A lady feels perfectly comfortable using the word no.

A lady understands the meaning of the word no, and she expects others to understand its meaning too.

* * *

Whenever a lady requests any service or favor, she remembers to say, "Please." She is quick to say, "Thank you," whenever a service or favor has been offered to her.

* * *

A lady knows that listening is a skill that improves when it is regularly practiced.

* * *

When a lady feels that she has been subjected to an insult, she immediately knows the right response: She responds by saying nothing at all.

* * *

A lady has definite beliefs, but she thinks before voicing her opinions. She recognizes that other people's beliefs are valid.

In making after-work conversation, a lady is wise to leave her work at the office.

* * *

A lady knows how to listen.

* * *

A lady does not openly attempt to correct the behavior of her friends. Instead she teaches by example.

* * *

A lady takes no part in petty arguments over important topics. Instead, she takes action to bring about change.

* * *

A lady does not make promises she cannot keep. She does not make commitments she cannot fulfill.

* * *

A lady knows how to end a conversation.

AROUND TOWN

When a lady encounters an acquaintance who greets her with "Hi. How are you?" ...

She does not say:

"Actually, I'm having a lousy day. I'm retaining water, and I had to take the dog to the vet. What's worse, both my kids have the flu, and I think I'm coming down with it too."

"Just great. The promotion came through, and Ms. Bibs just had kittens. Want to see the pictures?"

"You don't want to know—trust me."

But she does say:

"Fine. How about you?"

In casual discourse, there are few questions that do not require an answer. This is one of them. Even on her worst days, a lady does not stop traffic on the sidewalk so that she can share her woes with an acquaintance who intended merely to say something a little more expansive than a simple "Hello."

When a lady runs into a friend who has obviously had cosmetic surgery ...

She does not say:

"Who did your work? I bet it cost a bundle."

"I guess I'm just not that kind of woman. Personally, I plan to grow old gracefully."

"When are you going to have the rest of it done?"

"It's none of my business, but I thought you looked better before."

"If I were you, I wouldn't have gone that big."

But she does say:

"Hello, Catherine (or Calvin), you're looking great!"

Whether she approves or disapproves of cosmetic surgery, a lady may encounter a moment of social awkwardness. Her friend has gone under the knife for the purpose of improving his or her appearance. Yet if the surgery has been successful, its results should be so natural looking that they are not worth mentioning. A lady is better off mentioning a general improvement in her friend's appearance, avoiding the specifics at all costs.

When a lady runs into a friend who has had so many botox treatments that she can't move her face ...

She does not say:

"Whatever happened to growing old gracefully?"

"You were already so beautiful. Why would you do this sort of thing to yourself?

"Wow—your face has no expression whatsoever." "How many shots did you get?"

But she does say:

Nothing about the Botox treatment—unless she sincerely feels it makes her friend look better.

If a lady does not sincerely believe that her friend's cosmetic procedures have improved her appearance, she does not add fuel to the fire by commenting on her "youthful" appearance. A lady can always find a way to pay her friend a sincere compliment, perhaps by complimenting on her blouse, or the purse she has chosen for the day.

When she runs into a friend who has a new tattoo ...

She does not say:

"I hope you know what that thing is going to look like when you get older."

"I didn't think you were the tattoo type."

"I guess, if you're having a midlife crisis, a tattoo is cheaper than a sports car."

"Well, there goes your chance for that job at the bank."

But she does say:

Nothing—unless she can pay her friend an honest compliment.

A lady would never walk up to a friend and say, "Man, that is one ugly shirt," or "What kind of fool gets her hair cut that way?" A lady realizes that, for many people, a tattoo is a personal form of expression and that it is their business to do what they please, when it comes to personal adornment, especially if it poses no threat to their health. While a tattoo may not be her own cup of tea—and even if the tattooed person is her own adult child, an employee or a significant other—she knows the tattoo is probably going to be there for a very long time. She trusts that her relationship with her friend will still be there, even after the tattoo is gone.

When she runs into a personal friend or acquaintance who has just come out of an addiction recovery program ...

(Continues...)

Excerpted from AS A Lady WOULD SAYby SHERYL SHADE Copyright © 2012 by Sheryl Shade, John Bridges, and Bryan Curtis. Excerpted by permission of Thomas Nelson. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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