Everything and a Kite

The hilarious new audiobook from the star of Everybody Loves Raymond.

All right, the fact that you're reading the back of my audiobook cover makes me feel good. It tells me you've probably seen me on my TV show, Everybody Loves Raymond, or doing my stand-up comedy. On the other hand, maybe you're in the store standing next to someone you want to flirt with, and you picked this up from the rack just to look busy. I hate to say it, but if that's the case and they see you holding this audiobook, you just made it a lot harder on yourself.

What you have to do now is show them the cover and tell them you're only reading to see if it explains the size of my head. There you go. That could get you a little laugh. All that matters is, you've broken the ice. You start dating, fall in love, have some sex, get married, have less sex, have kids, get really tired, and hardly ever have sex again. Man, that would be great. Then you'd identify with me, and this audiobook would be very funny.

But let's say that doesn't happen. Let's say you go over, tell your little joke, and not only don't they laugh, it looks like they're reaching for the pepper spray. That wouldn't be good. You'd probably go back to living in your parents' basement, keep working your crummy job, get more bad haircuts, have to deal with your overprotective mom and oddball dad, and not be sure if you'd ever have contact with the opposite sex again. Excuse me, but were you and I separated at birth?

Guess what? It looks like this audiobook is going to be funny to you no matter what happens. I don't want to say it has your name on it, but do me a favor, and when you get home, take a Magic Marker and add it to the cover.

This is good. It feels right. As a matter of fact, you've given me the confidence to say that my audiobook not only relates to you but probably to everyone. Sure, it's got what people are used to from me: the wife, the family the neuroses. But it also explores a lot more about life. It's got a little bit of everything. Everything and, shall we say, a kite? Yes, that's the title and it'll be explained later. For crying out loud, have some faith, new friend.

Wow. Try and get ahold of yourself.