As I get older and reflect back on my time on this earth, it is humorous in some respect that I seem to remember the good times. Moreover, in my case I tend to remember the funny things of even a bad situation. It's like your subconscious blocks out the bad things only letting you remember the pleasant circumstances of even an awful situation. Whatever makes this occurrence happen, in my case I think it is good in that it has provided me with a library of hilarious stories. A good story is like a fine bottle of wine and the key is the aging process. In the case of a story the more aging time the more embellished, embroidered, and simply blown way out of proportion the story becomes, and in my opinion, that is what makes a funny story a hilarious one. Therefore, I have propagated this theory throughout this book . . With all this in mind, I have tried to offer in the following stories the right amount of embellishment that will provide the reader with just enough body to paint the picture, but not too much to bog down the reader to boredom. Now I understand that what is humorous to one person may not be the same to another, but it is obvious to me that just the normal day-to-day events can sometimes be the funniest, and if the person can relate to these events within their own experience then in turn they are really laughing at themselves through someone else's eyes. Therefore, with that idea in mind, I am only asking that you sit back, relax, and enjoy the stories, with one different twist, and that is to laugh at me.

50 Years of Humor: or Just Plain Reality

A Mississippi Boys Outlook on LifeBy JAMES H. HENDERSON

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2009 LTC JAMES H. HENDERSON, "COTTON", USA (Ret.)
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4490-0998-4

Contents

Preface.......................................................vDisclaimer....................................................ixCollegian Days................................................11. Family and Football.......................................72. The Breakfast Meal........................................103. Chicken Dinner............................................134. The Hangover..............................................155. Turn Out the Lights, the Party's Over.....................196. New Orleans...............................................25Law Enforcement Days..........................................297. Parking Meter Caper.......................................318. Highway 49................................................419. The Ticket................................................4510. Nightclub Raid............................................4711. Clip-On Tie...............................................5112. The Nightstick............................................5513. Alleyway..................................................5714. The Tattoo................................................60Military Service Days.........................................6115. Hundred Mile An-Hour Tape.................................6316. Reforger..................................................7017. Bikini....................................................7318. Awards Day................................................7519. The Line..................................................7920. The Presidential Visit....................................8321. Grand Canyon and the Move.................................8622. The Boy Scout Trip........................................8923. The Deer..................................................9024. The Door Man..............................................9325. Car Buying................................................9526. Coffee Shop...............................................9727. The Plane.................................................10028. The Snake.................................................102A thought to leave you with;..................................104About The Author..............................................107

Chapter One

Family and Football

We have all heard the old sayings that allude to the concept of family ties. You know the ones that go like this: "Family Ties are Strong," "Family bonds cannot be broken," "It's a Family Affair," "Family Business," or the one that I really like, "Blood is thicker than Water." The following story takes the saying, "Blood is thicker than Water," and adds a different twist to the meaning, and the story goes like this:

My sophomore year of football had me on the varsity team, which meant that I was eligible to travel and dress out for home and away games. However, there were some other benefits to making the varsity team and dressing out for all the games. The best one I know of is the four free tickets. Tickets were provided to every player, for all the games home or away, to be given to family and friends to offer an incentive for them to come watch the game and their favorite player. The real question was, were the family members and friends coming to watch the player or just coming to watch the game? I guess we will never know, but after seeing the players, family members, and friends after the game, it would sure make you wonder, present company not excluded.

Nevertheless, the logic being if the tickets are free, then there is a better chance that family and friends will come and watch the game. This will solve two issues for the coaching staff: it helps fill up the stadium, and second, it will boost the morale of the players. You see that once the season starts, there is no going home to visit family and friends; you are there until the season is complete. Some players' families and friends live too far away, and travel and lodging would be a large enough expense. But to add tickets on top of the other two expenditures, could be a bridge too far. Just think of the cost of living today, and in the last twenty-five years ticket prices have almost tripled, making it no small matter to offer free tickets then, as well as now.

Well enough of the build-up. Let us get back to the story. It was a Tuesday before the big game on Saturday, and we were playing the University of Alabama, in Birmingham, so I called my parents to see if they wanted to use my free tickets to come and watch the game. To let you in on a little secret, both my parents were graduates of the University of Alabama, so I knew they would like to see the game and seeing me would be an added bonus. Or so I thought. My dad answered the phone. Now he was a rather large man with a very formal and rough disposition, and if you did not know better, you would think he was fixing to kill you any second. But most of the time, it was just his demeanor. Or at least you hoped it was.

As I stated before, he answered the phone we said our greetings, how are things there, you know the basic niceties. And then I proceeded to get to the reason for the call. I told my dad about the four free tickets that were given to me for family and friends, and that I had just got mine for the game this Saturday. I told him whom we were playing, and asked if he and Mom wanted to come and watch the game. There was a short pause and then my father spoke in his regular deep voice, "Son, you're Mother and I are going to the game. Remember we have season tickets, and we will be riding on the Alumni Bus to the game, and sitting on the Alabama side of the stadium." Well to get to the jest of things, for the four years we played Alabama, my parents went to every game, but sat on the Alabama side and cheered them to victory. We never beat them in the four years I played, got close a couple of times but no cigar, and after every game my parents would always be waiting outside the locker room door for me to come out, and my dad would always say, "Alabama really looked good today, didn't they, Son?" It never failed. Bottom line this is how I know that the old saying, "Blood is thicker than Water," should have really been, "College is thicker than Blood."

Chapter Two

The Breakfast Meal

I guess all of us sometime or another have experienced the differences between the North and South cultures, and the different way that people in these regions think and look at things around them. Some of the obvious are accent, name associations, and some of us might even go as far as to say we are separated by a common language. I have been told repeatedly during my military service that I need to escort certain individuals to Southern states for them to conduct coordination. When I asked why me, I was told, "Because you speak the language." I always assumed the language they were referring to was "Southernese", and the technique was the way I slur my "S'sss" and roll my "R'sss."

But with all that said and done, it has been apparent to me that there are definite cultural differences. However, I do not want to discuss all of them, but only point out one cultural difference that stands-out ahead of all the others, and that concerns breakfast meals, and the story goes like this:

As stated previously, I attended a fine university in south Mississippi, on a football scholarship...