What was God Thinking?!

Balboa Press

Chapter One

For much of my life, it seemed that talking to God was reserved for holidays, during "grace" at dinner, an occasional church visit, and in times of crisis. During those moments of "rote prayer, confession, begging, or bargaining," I certainly didn't think that God could answer me back because God was ... well, GOD!

As I look back now, I don't imagine that I was really talking with God but more talking at God. To me, God was a silent, unseen observer ... like a strong parent who would perhaps nod yes or no to my requests. I'm not sure why I didn't feel strongly connected to God. Maybe I was wrapped up in my own busyness, or maybe God was busy taking care of the hungry, the poor, and the less fortunate. Maybe God was responding to me all along, and I just wasn't "getting it."

When I was about thirty, my journey led me to the possibility of receiving Divine Guidance from the angelic realm. I'd always liked the idea of angels and believed that they were with us. So it was then that I began writing with my angels and filled many journals of encouraging, compassionate messages of their loving wisdom that would be written through me. These messages wouldn't always tell me what to do, but they offered a comforting presence that would remind me that I wasn't alone here.

Once in a while, I'd ask my questions to God directly, but more often, I felt like I didn't want to bother him since the angels had done such a nice job intermediating. And if and when I did ask God, I hardly ever sensed a response back, though sometimes I'd feel a little more peaceful after I'd prayed. Other times though, I felt like I was just talking to the ceiling—until 1993 when a real "angel" touched my life and completely changed the course of my future in thirty-one days.

When my daughter Ariana was two and a half years old, my second daughter Talia was born. She never came home from the hospital as she was born with an extremely rare metabolic disorder that claimed her life in thirty-one days. Had anyone told me ahead of time, "Sandy, here is your journey ... you'll have Ariana, then two miscarriages, then you'll have Talia, who will die at a month old, then you'll have Austin exactly a year later," I'd have told them I wasn't strong enough for that kind of journey. During Talia's short life, there were many moments I'd just lay on my bed and sob, "God, I cannot do this ... it is too painful!"

Somehow, I began to sense God's loving, peaceful energy with me during those times of despair. During that chaotic time, when I asked heartfelt questions of God, if I was real quiet, I could sense a still, small voice in my heart that offered hope and healing to my spirit. The healing journey of Talia's life and death became my first book, Congratulations ... It's an Angel.

In fact, it was my writing—and my connection to God and the angels—that helped me to heal, to gain clarity and understanding about my life's rocky path, and this gave me a mission to help others through loss. That journey enabled me to understand that we are truly never, ever alone and that love never dies.

In the years that followed, I opened up spiritually and began to sense Spirit around me; I would "hear" Spirit thoughts. I took classes in psychic and spiritual development, began seeing clients as a Spirit Medium, and became a certified Hypnotherapist and Bereavement Facilitator.

I would sporadically turn to God for help ... usually when I felt like I had nowhere else to turn. I'm not proud of how that sounds, but it was my truth. It usually took an emotional upheaval to remind me that God was there for me, with me. Why I would wait so long to turn to God, I still don't know. In the past ten years, I went through a divorce, struggled with a substantial financial loss in a bed and breakfast investment, and lost my dad to cancer.

All were extremely difficult times. I'd reach the point of intolerable emotional pain, but when the thought of God snuck up on me, I'd remember that I wasn't alone, and there was my peace. I imagine that I am resilient at the core. But I didn't want to keep testing myself to see how resilient I was. Maybe there was a way to learn and be close to God without all the pain.

I am reminded of a recent client session where a young man came to my office so that I could connect with his dad in spirit for him. He asked me, "Sandy, can you ask my dad if God spoke to him right before he died?" (His dad had been in a coma.)

Moments later, in the stillness of that room, his dad's spirit sent these thoughts back to me: "God was speaking to me since the day I was born and never stopped. I just didn't listen."

I've decided ... I want to listen.

Little one, ask and you shall receive.

Sometimes life has something in store for you that you could never imagine. This particular Christmas, as has happened in other years, I didn't make time to send out Christmas cards. There was too much on my plate with work, shopping, and everything else that goes along with the holiday season. I felt too much pressure to snap a cute picture of the kids, get my list together, and so on. I let it all go.

So, I bought some New Year's cards to send out to friends and family instead. I thought I'd include a letter sharing what I'd wish for them in the new year. I planned to write about how a new year can symbolize new beginnings, growth, letting go of the old, and making room for the new. I shared this idea with a friend of mine, and he mentioned a Japanese tradition of sending a brand new dollar bill with each card ... to signify a brand new beginning. Such great intentions—what a fun project this would be!

On the morning of December 26, I had the house to myself since my kids were at their dad's house. Sitting down at my laptop to create the letter, I first wanted to connect with God to feel some inspiration. I started out by asking one simple question to put me into a place where I'd feel connected to my heart, thinking that it would then help me to offer wisdom in the letter. I began with one question, and I never imagined the dialog that would follow ...

December 26

God, what should I do with the new year?

First of all ... start by taking out the "should." There is no "should."

I am surprised by how quickly I discern a response. And I'm sensing that I'm not going to get away with any unclear words. So let me start over. God, what shall I do with this new year?

Nice try, Sandy, but you're still in the "doing" mindset.

But I need to do something with this upcoming year. How could I just do "nothing"? Isn't that why we set all those New Year's resolutions that never really get met—to feel like we're going to do something different with the next year?

And do they work?

For me, no, but at least I pacify that part of me that feels guilty for not setting a goal.

You've done so much. You've accomplished much. How about resting ... just for a little bit? I'm tired just watching you.

Note to self: I like God's sense of humor.

How about this—try "being" this year.

Being what?

Being nothing more than who you already are.

Who I already am? Who am I? I...