CHAPTER 1
Teach by Example
Teach me to love and care for myself
Through your own positive example.
I will learn from all your actions
And grow to have good self-care.
One of the deepest desires in every parent's heart is to raise a healthy and happy child whose life is meaningful and fulfilling. Most parents spare no expense to make this possible, working hard to provide a nice home, proper health care, good schools, fun toys, and extracurricular activities. All these things contribute to a child's quality of life and well- being, but they cannot fulfill the deep longing that resides in every child, which is to see their parents taking good care of themselves and experiencing their own joy and happiness.
Kids seem to instinctively know that a happy, well-adjusted adult has much more joy, attention, energy, and love to impart than an adult who is stressed, overworked, or overextended. The image of using an oxygen mask on an airplane is fitting — only the adult who takes in enough oxygen first can be helpful to the young who are dependent on him or her for life support.
Put Your Own Self-Care First
Above all things, revere yourself.
— PYTHAGORAS
The first and most pivotal way to be a role model for children of all ages lies in the healthy, consistent care of you. Parents sometimes fall into the habit of putting all their children's needs before their own, under the pretense that children always come first. Clearly there are times when this is this case, as when a baby has croup in the middle of the night; then it is appropriate to place all the attention on the baby's wellness. And when a special event such as a birthday, graduation, or performance comes up, everyone naturally focuses on the special child for the day. But under normal circumstances, it is practical for parents to pay quality attention to their own lives first, knowing that a small amount of daily self-care is oxygen for the spirit. This translates into a calmer adult who reacts less often and responds with more perspective and grace.
When I was in grade school, my mother, who had four children, was advised by her doctor to take up swimming for health reasons. At first she was overwhelmed and wondered where she'd find the time to fit this into her schedule. To complicate matters further, my parents didn't have a second car, and there was no gymnasium within walking distance.
But with a little ingenuity and a lot of determination, my mother came up with a plan that would support her health and model the idea of putting her self-care first. She paid a visit to the nearby high school and struck up a conversation with the girls' gym coach. Before leaving, she boldly asked the coach if she would be willing to admit her into the freshman's beginning swim class. Not quite knowing what to make of my mother, the coach said she'd check with school authorities and get back to her. Within days, my jubilant mom was admitted to class, making her the oldest freshman student ever to attend a beginners' swim class!
Swimming did not come easily to her, since she had never learned to swim as a child. I remember seeing my mom practicing and sputtering in the bathroom sink as she struggled to get the rhythm of the crawl down, dipping her face in and out of the water and sometimes choking as she attempted to master this new challenge. I will never forget the day she came home from her first day of successfully doing the crawl in the Olympic-size pool. She was filled with a sense of accomplishment I hadn't seen in her for a long time.
Her commitment to her self-care kept her swimming at the high school pool for a number of years. She became such a good swimmer that she began to tutor the "scaredy-cats like me," as she put it. Even though it meant that she was not there on certain days when we arrived home from school, it was always a plus, since she returned refreshed and invigorated.
My daughter, Julia, has fond memories of walking with "Granny" to the high school pool and swimming alongside her as they pretended to be mermaids together. Julia attributes her lifelong passion for swimming to those early days when her grandmother made it into such a fun adventure. What a wonderful effect my mother's simple act of self-care has had on the entire family over the years.
A small amount of self-care can bring an extraordinary amount of balance and serenity to you as a parent and to the whole family. For some, self-care takes the form of daily meditation; for others, a brisk walk or an early morning workout sets the tone for the day. Many adults find that by taking five minutes or less to plan the day, they save much time in the long run.
The key question to ask yourself is, What do I need as a daily dose of positive energy? Even if you can muster up just five minutes to set your intentions for the day or to do a few yoga poses, the return is worth its weight in gold.
Do What You Say and Say What You Do
What you are shouts so loudly in my ears, I can't hear what you say.
— RALPH WALDO EMERSON
Words without action have little or no impact. But when words are backed by living examples, they have the power to form beliefs and habits that can last a lifetime. Mahatma Gandhi understood the value of practicing what he preached and stopped at nothing to be a living example of what he taught. A distressed mother once visited Gandhi with her young child, greeting him with a single request: "Mahatma, please tell my child to stop eating so much sugar!"
"Bring her back in three days," was all that Gandhi said. Bewildered, the woman and her child departed and returned in exactly three days. When Gandhi saw them again, he looked into the child's eyes and simply said, "Stop eating sugar," to her surprise.
"Forgive me, Mahatma, but couldn't you have told my daughter this three days ago?" the woman inquired. "No, madam. Three days ago, I hadn't stopped eating sugar yet," Mahatma said with a grin. As unnecessary as this gesture may have seemed to the woman, Gandhi understood the importance of speaking from firsthand experience to have a lasting impact.
The power of influence by example works in reverse as well. Children who grow up in family systems ravaged by violence, alcoholism, depression, obesity, drug addiction, anger, verbal abuse, criticism, favoritism, or neglect have a much greater chance of contending with these same problems as they grow up. How can a child hope not to have a weight problem when living with a compulsive overeater? How many teens can bypass substance abuse when an addicted parent or family member in the...
