I DON'T WANT TO, GOD

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Contents

Chapter 1. Let's Review..............................1Chapter 2. So, What about Faith?.....................6Chapter 3. I Have to Do What?........................16Chapter 4. God Can and Will..........................26Chapter 5. I Don't Want To, God!.....................35Chapter 6. Cain and Abel.............................44Chapter 7. Noah......................................54Chapter 8. Founded Disposition.......................64Chapter 9. Abraham...................................75Chapter 10. Sarah.....................................84Chapter 11. Initial Decision..........................94Chapter 12. Isaac.....................................103Chapter 13. Jacob.....................................112Chapter 14. Three-Judge Panel.........................122Chapter 15. Joseph....................................132Chapter 16. Moses.....................................142Chapter 17. What's Next?..............................153Chapter 18. Gideon....................................163Chapter 19. David.....................................173Chapter 20. Wrestling with God!.......................184Chapter 21. What I Have Learned.......................193Summary of Scripture..................................202About the Author......................................207

Chapter One

It is a wonderful, early fall day in southeastern Virginia. In the middle of the afternoon it is sixty-eight degrees with no wind. The sun is shining right through the open door to the screened-in porch. The fall, so far, has been unusually warm, so the leaves were a little late in changing colors and are just now starting to fall. Of course, I have no expert knowledge as to when the leaves usually turn and fall; all I really know is that soon I will be out mulching up the leaves and preparing my pathetic lawn for the winter. We had a hot summer and a warm fall, so I guess the winter is bound to be colder than usual this year. Great! Being the hyper-vigilant person that I am, my load of firewood is being delivered and stacked as we speak. I have also changed the oil in my generator and filled it with fresh gas, and I have three five-gallon plastic gas containers ready to fuel it, if necessary. My generator battery is charged, and I just started it to ensure it is running properly. Yeah, I know, the medicine does actually help.

We've already changed back from Daylight Saving Time, so the days seem to fly by. The sun is lower in the sky, and outings on my Harley are getting fewer and fewer. It is several days before my son's twentieth birthday, two weeks before Thanksgiving, and a month and a half of shopping days until Christmas. The date, however; that is fixed mostly in my mind is December 3. One year ago on that date, I was wrongfully found guilty for a crime I did not commit, jailed, and subsequently spent all of the Advent season, Christmas Day, New Year's Day, and Super Bowl Sunday in jail. Funny how those dates that come with massive emotional trauma languish in the recesses of our minds.

Oh, yeah, for some reason I have yet to understand, some of you might not have read the first two books in this series, so you probably don't know what's going on. Well, I am glad you have finally come to your senses and decided to read one of my amazing contributions to the Library of Congress. Fear not; if you have not read what has happened up to this point, this volume can stand alone, and you will be able to follow along in fine fashion. For your sake, however, and to refresh the memory of my faithful followers, I will use this first chapter to review the major points. I would recommend that you check your sofas, love seats, and recliners for some spare change and actually purchase the first two books. Who knows? I might become famous one day, and you will have bragging rights as the first folks to recognize my genius!

I promise that this volume will have less about me and more about the material I want to present. In actuality, my current place in the legal system is slow and unpredictable, not filled with court appearances and lawyer appointments. So, as of right now, there is little progress to offer as an update. It is my sincere belief that I will actually have this project finished before any final decisions are made. I will keep you updated, however, as I continue to write about my legal status and any impending decisions, up to the point when I submit this manuscript for publication.

Trust me, friends, writing about myself and discussing my plight is not easy for me. It does nothing but stir up feelings of dread, anger, resentment, and disbelief, to name a few. Yet this entire unjust situation is a great platform in which to declare my faith in God. It also makes me keenly aware of my lack of faith at times, my halting desire to completely accept God's will for my life and mostly, my very human desire to wrestle with Him, because I don't want to, God!

Some of you may remember the story of Peter, the disciple of Jesus, and his ill-fated attempt at walking on the water. Jesus had stayed behind to pray and had sent the disciples ahead of Him to cross the Sea of Galilee to be in place for more training. To catch up with them, Jesus walked across the lake to get to the other side to join His disciples. In the book of Matthew 14:28–30, Matthew tells us: "And Peter answered Him and said, `Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water.' And He said, `Come!' And Peter got out of the boat, and walked on the water and came toward Jesus." Now, here is where I can relate to the story: "But seeing the wind, he became afraid, and beginning to sink, he cried out, saying, `Lord, save me!'"

My situation is not any more severe than what some of you have gone through. I am not saying I have been more traumatized than anyone else. Living with cancer, economic ruin, dysfunctional family environments, or unfaithful spouses, to name a few, come with horrific physical, mental, and spiritual burdens. I think we can all agree, however, that staring down the possibility of spending six years in the state of Virginia's Department of Corrections prison system ranks high on the human trials list. But neither is this some irritant, like a bounced check, a flat tire, a disrespectful teen, or a nagging boss, for example.

I am like Peter at times, trusting enough to get out of the boat on some days and then, at times, feeling myself sinking and crying for help. The point is that God allowed me to be drawn into this mess, and it is my belief that He would want me to chronicle His answers to my very common questions during this time of struggle. My first forays into the literary world were just that—my telling all who would listen what God brought to my heart and mind during this time of complete dependence on Him. I know I am not the only innocent man in the justice system, nor am I the only person dealing with worldly issues and questioning God about His participation and His need to include me in this drama.

Jesus's brother James, in the book of James 1:2–4, tells us to "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." Well, that's pretty clear! We do not have to like it,...