In Twin Expectations, author Judge Eileen A. Olds presents a go-to, how-to, hope-filled guide for reclaiming what matters most-our children. Eileen and her identical twin sister, Francine, a noted gynecologist, were raised by their single mother to defy lowered expectations rather than succumb to them. If society had had its way, neither of them would have succeeded, let alone risen to the top of their professions in such highly-competitive fields. Now combining lessons learned from her mother and her own experiences as a juvenile and family court judge, she shares guiding wisdom and practical advice for children-rearing. Using her personal stories, Twin Expectations provides direction to parents to help their children of all ages: gain the confidence to make wise choices; learn to have accountability in all things; understand the power of purpose; be resilient; mind their manners; become independent sooner; and value family Advocating love, care, and concern, Twin Expectations provides a fresh vision for parents and all of those concerned about future generations. When Judge Olds throws her book at you, it is one you will want (and need) to catch!

Twin Expectations

Raising the Bar, Raising Expectations, Raising Children!By Eileen A. Olds

iUniverse, Inc.

Copyright © 2012 Judge Eileen A. Olds
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4759-6469-1

Contents

Acknowledgments......................................................viiIntroduction: "How Come You Never Told Me That?".....................xi1. The Confidence to Make Wise Choices...............................12. Accountability in All Things......................................153. The Power of Purpose..............................................314. There Is Freedom in Discipline....................................435. Creating Resilient Children.......................................576. Manners Matter....................................................717. More Independence Sooner..........................................818. Love Your Sister..................................................899. Watch Out for the Trucks..........................................10110. The Endurance Test...............................................107Epilogue.............................................................115

Chapter One

The Confidence to Make Wise Choices

To lead or to follow.

To stay in class or skip school.

To stay in school or drop out.

To pay for that bracelet or steal it.

To do drugs or just walk away.

To fight or take the high road.

Our children make choices every day, but are they wise choices?

Too often, and for all the wrong reasons, kids make the wrong choices. Whether out of impulse, peer pressure, or simply a lack of tools to guide them, the choices kids make now can temporarily or even permanently affect their future. I can honestly say that I have never been in a fistfight. However, I have taken on many mental, emotional, and character fights! I think part of the reason I never got in a fistfight is because my mom always emphasized "taking the high road" and insisted that we weigh how momentary fits of rage could affect our standing among our peers, teachers, and neighbors (literally and figuratively), not to mention that fighting was not ladylike. I can still hear her saying, "Just walk away!"

Every day kids end up suffering the consequences of the choices that they have made. Too few of them understand that what they chose to do could land them in hot water or hurt someone. Sadly, too few care about the consequences of their negative behavior because they have not been taught to care about them.

That's why it's up to us as role models, parents, and people who care to help them make sound choices. But how? One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is the confidence to make wise choices. My mom exuded confidence, and she made it look so easy.

Part of teaching the art of confidence is simply leading by example through making good choices of our own, and equally important is helping kids understand the consequences of both good and bad choices. Puddin'(the family nickname that we often called my mother)would remind us to be confident in our decisions, and then "hold your head high," she would say.

The Nine Gifts of Confidence

To help see the true power of confidence and how it might affect your child's decision-making process, here are what I consider the Nine Gifts of Confidence:

The First Gift of Confidence: Security

When your child feels confident, he or she also feels secure in who he or she is. When a child feels secure, he or she also has more confidence. I can't stress enough how important security is toward helping a child become a healthy, vibrant adult.

When your child is secure in who he or she is, what his or her strengths and weaknesses are, and what he or she is all about, he or she naturally finds it much easier to

• make wise choices;

• say no to unwise choices;

• lead instead of follow;

• follow the right person, if he or she must follow at all; and

• choose his or her own path, regardless of popularity or peer pressure.

The insecure child, on the other hand, finds it nearly impossible to make wise choices because he or she has no idea who he or she is, what he or she stands for, or, in many cases, what's right or wrong.

The Second Gift of Confidence: Poise

When my twin sister and I were growing up, we were often struck by our mother's poise in the midst of hard decisions, tough times, or even major life decisions. While she was no emotionless cyborg, our mother personified grace under fire.

Today, however, I often see mothers as emotional and tantrum prone as their children. Children are like sponges, soaking up the mood, tone, and atmosphere of home. If they are raised by excitable parents, children often become excitable themselves.

In my experience, excitable children are often too emotional or even too frantic to make wise choices, while a child filled with poise, who can exhibit grace under pressure, can make wiser choices from a place of calm.

The Third Gift of Confidence: Calm

A sense of calm is so important for today's child. While childlike behavior includes a degree of impatience, anxiety, and selfishness, I'm amazed by the number of children who can't be still, stay quiet while others are speaking, or mind their parents even with constant redirection. I can only imagine how they act in a classroom or at home.

But the confident child can go through life with a sense of calm about him or her, making it easier for him or her to approach choices more calmly, if not more wisely.

I find that many children make choices rashly, in an environment of excitability, the very opposite of calm. I'm often struck by the thought that if that child could simply find some peace and more stability in his or her life, he or she could ultimately make better choices.

The Fourth Gift of Confidence: Trust

Specifically, the fourth gift of confidence refers to trusting oneself. One of the hardest parts of parenting is to allow our children to grow, to learn, and to test their wings and fly—or fall—on their own.

But how can our children learn to trust themselves if we can't learn to trust them? As I move through these gifts of confidence, I am reminded again and again of how integral the parents' role is in building a strong sense of confidence—not overconfidence, but sincere, genuine, and authentic self-confidence—in their children.

My mother often reminded us that no one was any better than we were. On the other hand, if we got haughty at all, she also reminded us that we were no better than anyone else either. She taught us to be mindful of the delicate balance between confidence and conceit. Confidence was admired, conceit was not, and trusting ourselves was bolstered by that confidence.

Children should be told often what their individual strengths are and reminded that they are equipped to make wise choices. They should, in addition, be rewarded for maintaining the trust that we have in them and that we instill in them. Simply communicate with them, one-on-one, as often as possible. Talk to them about their fears, their accomplishments, their doubts, their strengths, and their weaknesses. Validate their worth as trustworthy individuals.

You don't have to be your child's incessant cheerleader, rooting him or her on for even the slightest tiny thing, but taking the time to check the pulse of your child's enthusiasm for this or that endeavor is a great way to show him or her that not only do you care,...