CHAPTER 1
WHERE DO WE BEGIN?
When changing a paradigm that has been a part of our natural experience, we must first look at the big picture, and explore some misconceptions we may be unconsciously holding on to.
We live in a world where we punish those who do what we deem "wrong," reward or ignore those who we think are "right," and feel pity for (or empathize with) those we identify as victims.
At the same time, most of us don't want to be labeled as wrong. Nor do we want to be labeled the victim. Being labeled the one that is right is appealing, but we know that can't last forever, so when we make a mistake, we blame (even if you blame yourself, it is still blame), we make excuses, or we say we were wronged by something or someone. We even blame our humanness by saying, "I'm only human!"
Thankfully, there is a way out of this whirlwind of opposites—bully/victim; right/wrong; fear/love; etc. The way out is through a paradigm shift, a middle-of-the-road ride that cultivates vulnerability or openheartedness and allows you to see magnificence in the face of the opposite. Magnificence is expressing yourself from your core values.
Magnificence and its expression are so much more than that feeling you get when things turn out the way you want them to. Magnificence is also so much more than that moment of experiencing your greatness, although that is magnificent too. Magnificence is that moment when you feel afraid while saying or doing something that you know is in your best interest. Magnificence is that moment you feel angry and don't hurt someone but instead treat him or her with firm kindness. Magnificence is also when you feel hurt and you allow yourself to feel your feelings from your tender heart rather than only tell someone how he or she hurt you. So when you experience humility in the face of magnificence, you are allowing yourself to overcome arrogance. These are lofty goals requiring commitment, dedication, and a lot of practice.
I have three sons. In their younger years, they experienced themselves and each other as bullies and victims. Now as young men, they are honest with each other and immensely loving toward one another. The process of moving them from the bully/ victim paradigm took a lot of practice! It began by teaching them that although they may feel like a victim or may be perceived as a bully, that was simply not the truth. The truth is that as loving, thinking human beings, they were far more than these false labels—in this case, bullies and victims. Feeling like victims and acting like bullies was simply an opportunity to learn how to cooperate better and identify what was in the way of expressing their magnificence. Operating like a bully or a victim was not judged as right or wrong; however, it was very clear that nobody felt good about himself or herself as long as he or she was living with these labels. So every time a fight broke out, all of us had the opportunity to reflect, look at what could be learned about ourselves and each other, and then commit to operating differently. We are a "regular" family, so sometimes we did this well and sometimes we didn't!
This way of life requires commitment. And sometimes I wavered in my level of commitment by defining my sons by their ineffective behavior. So I worked hard to develop a deep understanding of discipline as defined by James Hunter in his book The Servant, in which he describes discipline as guiding yourself or someone else through a regimen that improves a skill. Discipline was essential and a bridge to staying committed to helping me and my family discover and express our magnificence. This meant I needed the discipline to hold myself accountable to my stated goals with firm and loving kindness.
What does all of this mean? It means that I can be a bully, and I can be a victim. I have been the bully before, and I have been the victim. It can be painful to face how we harm others and ourselves when acting like a bully or a victim. This pain usually shows up in the form of fear. Examples may be the fear of being seen as vulnerable or hurting, the fear of being seen as weak, the fear of being seen as mean or hurtful, and many other fears. When fears are not faced—when magnificence is not sought—we resort to being a bully or a victim. We must learn to refrain from acting on aggression—the aggression as a bully or the passive aggression as a victim. This book will offer many different applicable tools for this learning.
The basis of our fears can be summarized in four areas: the fear of not belonging, the fear of being powerless, the fear of not being loved or loveable, and the fear of not being valuable. Most people have limiting beliefs that can be interpreted to meet one of those fears. It is also vitally important to note that these fears are simply limits and are rarely true. This is a key moment in your life because with assistance, your limits can be assessed and moved through, thereby revealing truth and magnificence for you in your life.
Knowing magnificence means there is no need to be a bully or victim and no need to perceive anyone as a bully or victim. Furthermore, there is no judgment on and no justification for acting like a bully or a victim. To cast no judgment, you must suspend your judgment of the person. Separate the deed from the doer. No justification and no judgment equal compassion. This way of being and operating is called letting go—cultivating vulnerability (openheartedness), relinquishing control, and at the same time being in charge of one's own destiny (character).
Now in my fifties, I'm riding the middle-of-the-road vulnerability while bouncing off the walls of arrogance and shame. Comfortable? Not so much! Alive? Yes! Alert? Yes! This is the way to live a life to the fullest, experiencing a different viewpoint of the way our world can work. This is the only place where the paradigm you are currently operating from can shift!
Let's go back to my three sons because I would like to share the story of the time that the bullying and victimhood ended and the "looking inside" paid off with a paradigm shift that has lasted to this day. Their names have been changed to preserve their privacy.
I was having dinner at a friend's house. All three boys were hanging out at home together. They didn't get to do this very often, as they were still young, yet they loved the freedom of being by themselves for a few hours. Let me introduce John, Mark, and Tom.
I was gone for about one and a half hours when I received a phone call from John. I could hear a lot of chaos in the background, and John was frantic. He was very difficult to understand, but thank goodness for my upbringing and my ability to remain...
