A Time for Dancing

JULIE My mom had left me at the door in Pre-Op, the coldest room ever built, and a nurse covered me with some thin space-age blanket that turned out to be quite warm. The IV needle had been put into my arm, and the anesthesiologist, Dr. Kim, had commented on the healthy size of my veins. Dr. Conner was now explaining The Procedure to me, in depth, with her award-winning tact, and if I hadn't been in so much pain, I would've been terrified. But IT had returned, and IT was pissed off, so even though I was looking at the doctor and nodding in what I hoped were suitably appropriate places, I was only getting a general idea of what she was trying to say. I only started really listening when she got to the part about the Valium.
"...will not put you under exactly but will take away the pain aHOORAY!!?and the immediacy of the experience. Are you ready?"
I nodded. Just say yes, I thought. Dr. Kim inserted something into the IV tube, and the orderly, or whoever it is that moves beds, got ready to go to the operating Room. I could get used to this, I remember thinking as I drifted into Twilight World. No pain, no problems. I could hear everything that was going on around me, but I didn't have to respond to it. Probably I would have been able to see, too, but since it seemed a more pleasant choice to keep my eyes shut, that's what I did.
I felt myself transferred to another bed. I knew Dr. Conner was in the room and giving orders. Someone sat near my head and kept putting a cool, wet towel on my lips, and I would smack them and swallow the moisture. Every once in a while, a voice I didn't recognize but nevertheless liked the sound of asked if I was feeling okay. "Jusss fine," I would answer, then float some more. Time had no meaning, pain did not exist, there was nothing in the world I had to think on, worry about, or do. I thought I had arrived in Paradise. Three hours later, I wasn't so sure. The Valium had worn off, and whatever the anesthesiologist had slipped in the IV as I was being wheeled back to my room -- "Here's a little whammy to help with the pain," he'd said, not asking if I wanted it -- was not in agreement with my system. I got horribly nauseated and vomited violently -- on the bed, on the nurse, on the floor. Over and over, missing the bedpan each time, until another nurse insisted on calling the doctor. It seemed years before she came.
"Are you hurting?" was the first thing she asked.
"Not yet," I replied, and tried to vomit on her.
"It's nothing to worry about," she assured me. "You're having a reaction to the pain medication. It happens to many people."
Whatever I would've said to respond wouldn't have been appreciated, and I couldn't have got it out between vomits anyway, so I just nodded.
"I'm ordering an anti-nausea medication."
"What if it makes me sick, too?"
"I don't think it will. Trust me."
Right.
By the time my parents and Sam came in, I had entered Phase Three. Over the Procedure, past the drug reactions, and now responding to the sleep inducer. I tried to smile at them, tried to let them know that I was finally feeling better, but nothing I said seemed to make any sense. They kept smiling at me and patting me, and then they left me alone with Sam for a minute. I managed to reach out my hand. She took it. She read my mind, as she usually does, and answered what I was unable to ask.
"They don't know anything yet, Jules. The doctor's meeting with you guys in the morning. Nine o'clock. After she sees what those tests have to say. How 'bout now -- are you feeling okay?" I nodded. "Do you need anything?" I shook my head. "Well, then let me tell you what I did today..." and she flashed her wicked look. I couldn't keep my eyes open too well, but my ears were working, and as she told me the story of Jack and The Freak and then the part about the dean, I smiled and smiled and smiled. Next morning, a nurse woke me at five to take my temperature and ask me stupid questions. I managed to go back to sleep, only to be awakened again by a different one. Temperature again, same stupid questions.
"You guys already did this once," I told her. She gave me her Indulgent Nurse Smile.
"Im the new shift," she explained.
Oh. Fine. The fact that I couldn't get back to sleep didn't seem to concern her. The fact that my hip, where the needle had gone in, was now on fire didn't seem to, either.
"Could I please have something for this pain?" I asked. She gave me her Concerned Caregiver Face.
"I'm sorry," she dripped, "but Dr. Conner didn't indicate any medication on your chart."
"Would you call her, or something, please? This really hurts."
"Well, she'll be in at eight-thirty. Let's ask her then, shall we?"
"Okay." She smiled again and started to leave. "Excuse me," I said, "could you tell me what time it is now?"
"Seven-fifteen." And she was gone. An hour and fifteen minutes is not a long time under the best of circumstances. I, however, was not under those kind. I hurt, I was tired and cranky, my mouth tasted like caca, and I wanted my mother. Or Sam. Or somebody. Plus I did not want to think about the meeting with Dr. Conner.
Eight-thirty came and went. No doctor, at least according to Miss Happy-Face. Afew minutes later, my mom and dad showed up. I was in pretty bad shape. I didn't know which part of me hurt the worst.
The second he saw me, my father was furious.
"This is ridiculous," he announced to no one in particular, and went to get help. My mom stroked my face and talked softly, about nothing, really, just to keep my mind occupied. My dad came back, nurse in tow, with Dr. Conner right behind. No smiles this time. The nurse took a vial and inserted its contents into the IV tube. She'd obviously been spoken to by the doctor. Almost immediately, the pain started to go. I sighed. Nurse Happy left, and Dr. Conner checked my pulse and felt my forehead.
"No excuse for that, Im afraid," she told us.
The medication was indicated. My dad started to open his mouth, but Dr. Conner wasn't through. There are chairs right outside. Let's pull a few in here and have a little talk.
A chill like ice cut through my entire body. My mouth went dry. I wondered if maybe I was having another reaction to the medication, but then I looked at my mom. She was a ghost. My dad pulled a couple of chairs in, next to the bed, but both my parents remained standing. Dr. Conner stood across from them and looked at me as she talked.
"As I suspected it might, the marrow shows that you have diffuse histiocytic lymphoma. Because it has shown up in the marrow, we can assume it is Stage Four. This means it did not originate in the hip. The hip is a secondary site, and there are undoubtedly other affected areas. My recommendation is an immediate aggressive program of chemotherapy. Your age is a definite advantage. Your body can withstand much more than an older, adult body can. This increases our chances significantly."
She paused a moment and smiled encouragingly, then continued.
"We can do the therapy here, or if you would like, arrange for an outpatient facility. Of course, certain side effects may occur -- severe nausea, weight gain or loss, skin disorders, and low blood count, which means you will have to take extra care against infection. Oh, and almost everyone has loss of hair. I would be happy to orchestrate the program, if you so desire, or I can put you in touch with other oncologists. I welcome a second opinion, should you wish to seek one, but I recommend you do it immediately. Time is of utmost importance in cases of this type." She peered at each of us. "I think I've covered everything. Do you have any questions?"
Almost out of breath from listening to her, I realized I had understood only part of what she had been saying. I looked at my parents and saw the same...