We Are Designed to Thrive

What does it mean to thrive?

Think of that time when you were so intrigued and interested in what you were doing that you got lost in the moment.

It may have been while you were creating a document, playing an instrument, or having a stimulating conversation. You may have gained a new insight, felt the satisfaction of the progress you were making, or reveled in the ability to do something you'd never been able to do before. You were enjoying not only the experience but also everyone involved. You felt good. You were thriving.

What if you were able to increase the time you spent having these kinds of experiences — that is, thriving?

You may have often heard phrases such as, "It is not the situation but how you react to the situation that matters," or, "The only things you truly have control over are your thoughts and emotions." Both of these statements are true, and you may agree with them on an intellectual level, but you may also believe that your situations continually provide exceptions to these tenets. When you feel fear or perceive danger, it may seem that you have no choice — that the reactions and emotions "are just there," and the situation is either staying the same or getting worse. What you need is a different way to see what your options are in a situation. By making only a slight adjustment, you can tune your situation to thriving.

Most people today are stressed. Being stressed out has become the default way of living life. Our reactive emotions are a step up from the numbness we use to protect ourselves from the struggles of life: the demands, the responsibilities, and the need to make increasing amounts of money. Our view of the world is based on a model of drama. The dramatic curve is the formula of most stories, and so we use it to create the stories of our lives.

It's true that drama increases emotions. There is something compelling about a story with a hero struggling against a seemingly insurmountable foe and then being victorious (and in the sequel, there is sure to be a more evil villain and a bigger struggle to keep our interest). If you choose to be in a dramatic story, there is nothing wrong with that. Drama can be exciting. However, it is also a mode where we are neither our most productive nor our most creative, and many people don't know they have another choice. Drama is everywhere — in every news report and in many TV shows, movies, and books. The drama is even hyped and exaggerated in sporting events.

Life, however, does not have to be this way. What if drama was just one of your choices? What if there was another model that you could choose?

Thriving

If you are tired of the perpetual drama and the continual need to fight against someone or something or to look over your shoulder for the next thing that will trip you up, if you are tired of being tired, then you are ready for Thriving beyond Survival.

The Thriving beyond Survival model does far more than simply confirm that how you react to the situation makes all the difference.

Whether you are feeling trapped or in the flow, it will reveal the choices you have and give you practical ways to keep choosing to thrive — not just survive.

Choosing to thrive is not a one-time decision. Thriving is a moment-to-moment, conscious choice that gets easier the more you practice. It allows you to grow to the next level and to keep deliberately growing in a direction that is meaningful to you — not in a direction you've been told you have to go, need to go, or should go but in the direction in which you really want to go.

By using this model, you will learn to distinguish two choices you have in each situation: to thrive or to just survive. You may not currently be aware of these choices, in which case you may be reacting in the only way you believe you can.

According to Webster, to thrive is to "grow or develop successfully: to flourish or succeed (Merriam-Webster)." This is the choice you can move toward. It's the choice you would want to give to someone you care about — including yourself.

Most of the time, we choose our reaction out of habit and impulse, not from conscious choice. This means our automatic response is set to survival mode. Like the repetition of any skill, as we continue to choose to keep thriving, the choices will become easier and easier. We will experience better and better results, which will allow us to grow in ways we may never have imagined.

Thriving isn't ignoring or denying what is happening around you. Rather, it is truly how you prefer to be and to act, no matter the circumstances. A few months ago, I had the privilege of meeting someone who demonstrates the power of making this choice.

In 2012, Scarlett Lewis had to deal with the fact that her son Jessie was gunned down in the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre. This is a situation no mother wants to experience. She could hang on to anger, fear, and hatred — and most people would agree that that would be a valid response to this tragic situation — or she could make a different choice.

In her 2014 TEDx talk, Lewis stated that she realized it was an angry thought in the shooter's head at some point that caused the tragedy, and a thought can be changed. Taking a cue from her son's last communications (three scribbled words on a kitchen chalkboard a week before: "nurturing, healing, love") and the words written in snow on her car on his way to school that day ("I love you"), she chose love, even though it would have been easier to stay angry. Every day, she chooses to practice appreciation and forgiveness. She has found her way forward to thriving. She is now the founder of the Choose Love Foundation, which collaborates with professional educators developing school-based educational programs to change our current culture of violence to one of safety, peace, and love for everyone in our world. She is creating a new model to make an old model obsolete.

Scarlett demonstrates that no matter what the circumstances, we always have a choice. We can choose to thrive instead of just survive.

The Thriving beyond Survival Model

In the first part of this book, we will walk through the Thriving beyond Survival model to give you a map of how we experience life, both when thriving and when surviving (figure 1). Once you have a feel for the "territory," you will be able to determine where you are at any moment.

The second part of the book will give you strategies focused on how to get to thriving and how to spend more of your time there.

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