PART 1

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

The tips in this section will help you feel confident that you've covered all your bases and gathered all the resources you need to make this sometimes very difficult decision. If you've already made your decision (or the decision was made for you), this information will set you up to feel more in control of the process and get you prepared for what's ahead.

1. Have you tried everything?

Maybe you have done all you can. Maybe you've been hoping your spouse would change—and come to the difficult realization that it's not going to happen. The old truism applies. A person has to want to change, you can't make them. You can only change yourself.

Just make sure you'll never look back and say, "maybe we should have worked harder to save the marriage." To clearly assess whether or not your marriage is salvageable usually requires expert advice: marriage and family therapy, individual therapy, marital mediation (less "touchy feely" than therapy), or even a divorce coach or advisor. Don't call it quits until you can answer, "yes, I feel like we have tried everything we can."

2. Take the driver's seat.

The fact that you are holding this book in your hands bodes well for your future. By driving, we mean taking control of the process and feeling empowered rather than helpless. Talk to people, listen to others' stories, and seek advice from experts (see #11). Learn about your state's divorce laws. Being well informed is your ticket to feeling competent and confident, which will help you make the best decisions for yourself and your family. As long as you're driving, you get to choose what direction you take at all the crossroads.

3. Don't hang on for the wrong reasons.

Wrong reason #1: "It's scary; I don't want to give up my: house/money/lifestyle/in-laws/[fill in the blank]." It can take people five to ten years to progress from their first thought of getting a divorce to making the decision. But staying too long may allow anger and resentment to reach an unhealthy breaking point. Once there, it is much more difficult to have a good, low-conflict divorce and post-divorce relationship.

Wrong reason #2: "I want to stay for my kids, at least until they're out of the house." Keeping your kids in a dysfunctional household may not be better than having them weather a divorce. Even if your marriage is not rife with loud fighting but is instead rippled with quiet, chronic tension and anger, a miserable marriage is not good for kids. Keep in mind too that you may be so used to it that you don't notice the atmosphere you live in, but your kids most certainly do.

Ask yourself these questions:

• Is there regularly tension between you and your spouse?

• Do you and your spouse argue daily or almost daily?

• Do you sometimes feel rage toward your spouse?

• When was the last time your children saw you and your spouse hold hands, kiss, or put your arms around each other?

• Do you choose to do things together rather than separately, even when the kids aren't involved?

• Do you and your spouse ever laugh together?

Try to get out before you act out.

4. If you've got even a smidgen of doubt, consider a trial separation.

Controlled separation—This approach is like a grown-up time-out for your marriage. It involves hiring a therapist to help you draw up a separation agreement that includes things like a time limit (e.g., three to six months); guidelines for contact (e.g., two phone calls per week); counseling sessions; rules regarding money, kids, visits; etc. The goal is to see if time apart while still working on the relationship can save the marriage. If it doesn't, the work that's been done can put you in a better starting place for the divorce process.

Legal separation—Not all states recognize legal separation. In those states that do, a legal separation can provide the structure and safety of a court-ordered contract (regarding finances, custody, etc.) without the finality of divorce.

Informal separation—Just as it sounds, this type of separation involves no formal agreement and no other parties besides you and your spouse. You'd be...