ACT I

SCENE 1,—Madame Pernelle, Elmire, Mariane, Cléante, Damis, Dorine, Flipote.

MADAME PERNELLE Let's go, Flipote, let's go, so I can be rid of them!

ELMIRE You're walking so fast we can hardly keep up with you.

MADAME PERNELLE Leave off, daughter-in-law, leave off; come no further; All this is ceremony I can do without.

ELMIRE We're only performing the duties we owe you. But, mother, why is it you're leaving so quickly?

MADAME PERNELLE It's because I can't watch the way this house is run, And no one here gives any thought to pleasing me. Yes, I'm carrying away a very bad impression from your home; No matter what I try to teach you here, I'm thwarted; There's no respect for anything here, everyone yells out loud, And all I can call the place is Liberty Hall.

DORINE If ...

MADAME PERNELLE You, my good woman, are a lady's maid Who's a little too talkative and quite impertinent; You stick your nose in to give your opinion about everything.

DAMIS But ...

MADAME PERNELLE You, my boy, are a downright fool: It's I telling you this, I, your grandmother, And I've predicted a hundred times to my son, your father, That you were turning out just like a wicked scapegrace, And would never give him anything but grief.

MARIANE I think ...

MADAME PERNELLE Heavens! You, his sister, act like a quiet girl, And you seem so very gentle that butter wouldn't melt in your mouth, But, as the saying goes, still waters are the most dangerous, And under cover you're leading a life that I detest.

ELMIRE But, mother ...

MADAME PERNELLE Daughter-in-law, don't take it badly, But all of your conduct is totally wrong: You ought to set a good example in their eyes, And their dear departed mother behaved much better. You're a spendthrift, and your ostentation hurts me, When I see you going around dressed like a princess. Whoever wants to please her husband only, Daughter-in-law, doesn't need all that finery.

CLÉANTE But, madame, after all ...

MADAME PERNELLE As for you, her brother, I think very well of you, I like you and respect you; But, when it comes right down to it, if I were my son, her husband, I'd strongly urge you never to visit us. You ceaselessly proclaim guidelines about how to live That shouldn't be followed by honest folk. I'm speaking to you a little frankly, but that's my nature, And I come right out and say what's on my mind.

DAMIS Your monsieur Tartuffe is no doubt very lucky ...

MADAME PERNELLE He's a good man who ought to be heeded, And I can't abide it without getting angry When I see him accused by a madcap like you.

DAMIS What! Am I, I, to allow a sanctimonious carper To come into our house and fraudulently acquire a tyrannical power, While we're unable to have any enjoyment If that fine gentleman doesn't deign to consent to it?

DORINE If we must heed him and believe his maxims, We can't do a thing without committing a crime: Because he checks up on everything, that eager critic.

MADAME PERNELLE And everything he checks is very well checked. It's on the road to heaven that he desires to lead you, And my son ought to persuade all of you to love him.

DAMIS No, look here, grandmother, neither a father nor anyone else Can force me to wish him well. If I spoke otherwise, I'd be betraying my heart; I get furious each and every time at his mode of behavior; I foresee a dire consequence, and that I'll have to Come to some big blowup with that hayseed.

DORINE Surely, it's also a shocking thing To see a total stranger making himself master of the house; To see a beggar, who had no shoes when he arrived, And whose whole outfit was worth about six farthings, Reaching the point of forgetting who he is, Contradicting everything and lording it over us.

MADAME PERNELLE Ho! Mercy on me, it would be much better If everything went in accordance with his pious orders!

DORINE He seems to be a saint in your imagination: Believe me, all his actions are nothing but hypocrisy.

MADAME PERNELLE What a mouth on you!

DORINE I wouldn't trust him, Or his Laurent, either, unless they had some good man vouching for them.

MADAME PERNELLE I don't know what his servant is really like, But I guarantee that the master is a virtuous man. You only wish him ill and reject him Because he tells you all just what he thinks about you. It's in order to combat sin that his heart grows angry, And the interests of heaven are his only motive.

DORINE Fine; but why, especially in the last while, Can't he abide for us to have any guests? In what way does an honorable visit offend heaven For him to raise a row over it that splits our head? Would you like my explanation of that, among ourselves? ... (Indicating Elmire:) I sincerely believe he's jealous over madame.

MADAME PERNELLE Be still, and think about what you say. He's not the only one who finds fault with those visits: All the bother connected with the people you see, Those carriages constantly standing at the door, And the noisy gathering of all those lackeys, Cause an undesirable scandal in the whole neighborhood. I'm willing to believe that there's no basic harm in it, But people do talk about it, and that's not right.

CLÉANTE Ah, madame, do you want to stop people from gossiping? It would be an unfortunate thing in life If, on account of the foolish talk there might be about you, You had to give up your best friends; And even if you could make up your mind to do it, Do you think you could force everyone to keep quiet? Against backbiting there's no protection. So, let's pay no attention to any silly chatter, Let's strive to live as blamelessly as we can, And let the gossips have their own way entirely.

DORINE Our neighbor Daphne and her little husband— Wouldn't they be the ones who speak ill of us? Those whose conduct is the most laughable Are always the first to criticize others; They never fail to snatch promptly at The palest glimmer of the mildest show of affection, To spread the news around with the greatest joy And to give it the slant they want people to believe. They try to justify their own behavior in society By that of others who are dipped in the same dye, And, in the false hope of some resemblance, To lend an air of innocence to their own intrigues, Or to shift onto others some share Of that public blame with which they're all too heavily loaded.

MADAME PERNELLE All this reasoning is beside the point: It's well known that Orante leads an exemplary life; Her only thought is for heaven; and people have told me She strongly reproves the ways of this household.

DORINE A wonderful example, and a fine woman! It's true that she lives like an austere person; But old age has planted that ardent religion in her soul, And it's well known that, if she's a prude, it's against her will. As long as she was able to attract the attention of lovers, She made the very best use of all her advantages; But, seeing all the brightness of her eyes grow dim, She wishes to renounce society, which is abandoning her, And to disguise the powerlessness of her worn-out charms Beneath the pompous veil of a lofty propriety. Those...