The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity

“Perel is a master at what she does.” —The New Yorker

“[Perel] knows the depth of your shame and the vibrancy of your lust.”- The New York Times

From iconic couples’ therapist and bestselling author of Mating in Captivity comes a provocative and controversial look at infidelity with practical, honest, and empathetic advice for how to move beyond it.

An affair can rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness, their very identity. And yet, this extremely common human experience—universally forbidden yet universally practiced—is poorly understood. Why do people cheat—even those in happy marriages? Why does an affair hurt so much? Do our romantic expectations of marriage set us up for betrayal? Is there such a thing as an affair-proof marriage? Is it possible to love more than one person at once? Can an affair ever help a marriage? For a decade, psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel traveled the globe and worked with hundreds of couples who have grappled with cheating. In this illuminating book, she weaves real-life case stories with incisive psychological and cultural analysis to provide insights and answers to help couples survive and thrive.

Betrayal hurts, but it can be healed. An affair can even be the doorway to a new marriage—with the same person. Affairs, Perel argues, have a lot to teach us about modern relationships—what we expect, what we think we want, and what we feel entitled to. They offer a unique window into our personal and cultural attitudes about love, lust, and commitment. Through examining illicit love from multiple angles, Perel invites readers into an honest, enlightened, and entertaining exploration of modern relationships in its many variations.

“Esther Perel is widely recognized as the world’s leading expert on marriage.”- Sunday Times Style

“A fresh look at infidelity.” - Los Angeles Review of Books

“Perel—a whip-smart emotional savant who pierces through human defenses with the efficiency of a surgeon—is a wonder to behold.”- Huffington Post

“She doesn’t peddle in bromides or offer a shoulder to cry on—she’s too busy trying to shake you to your senses, insisting on your agency, your vitality, and your complicity in what happens in your marriage.” - The New York Times

“[The State of Affairs] explores a vast landscape of the adulterous terrain . . . in a way that’s deeply humane and never preachy.” - NPR