CHAPTER 1

MY EARLIEST MEMORIES

I sit on the sofa in my living room, with a cup of coffee inreach, and my computer on my lap. My four Toy Chihuahua dogshave surrounded me, one on each side, and the other two layingacross my neck. I am now about to embark on the story of mylife's journey, and expose to the world, the deep dark hiddensecrets of my past. I pray God will bring back to my memory,the severe childhood abuse I struggled so hard, my whole life toforget.

I was born in Los Angeles, CA. My parents named me SandraGene, and gave me the nick name Sandy. Shortly after I was born,my parents moved our family to Lansing, MI, where we lived inan upstairs duplex apartment. My family consisted of my parents,one brother and two sisters. My siblings and I shared a bedroomand at bedtime, we would all sleep on the same bare mattress.We had few toys to play with and very few clothes to wear.

When Uncle Chester, my daddy's brother, would come to visit,he would find us kids, many times not wearing shoes, or coats,while playing outside in the winter snow. Yes, my family was verypoor, but my siblings and I were too young to know or care.

Both my parents were unstable, uneducated, and had noparenting or money management skills. Instead of buying foodfor the family, my mother would spend her food stamps ondrinking and partying. My daddy's pay checks never made ithome either, like my mother, his money was spent on drinkingand eating out. With all this said about my parents though, Ican still say I loved them both very much. I was far too young torealize they were not being good parents, so in my heart I hadthe best parents in the world.

Some of my earliest memories, at about the age of four, areof good times spent with my "Uncle Bob", my mother's brotherand his wife, "Aunt Marie." Uncle Bob and Aunt Marie had fivechildren of their own and frequently would take my siblings andme on extended visits to their home. Uncle Bob and Aunt Marieknew that mother and daddy were not taking care of us, andwere very concerned for our wellbeing. I recall a time while on avisit with them, Uncle Bob picked me up, and put me in his lapwhile he was eating. He began to feed me from his plate andwith a big smile on his face, he asked me if I was his little girl andI replied, "Yes, uh-huh". Of course at that moment I felt just likea princess!

I also remember a time, when my mother came home fromgrocery shopping, and called us kids into the kitchen for a bowlof ice cream. The minute I heard ice cream, I began to jump upand down with sheer joy, and ran as fast as I could to her side.Yes, I can truly say, the memories I have of living with my family,at the most tender and innocent years of my childhood are likehaving precious gold.

"I have etched them deep in my heart and soul never to beerased!"

I had a mother and daddy that I loved very much and abrother and two sisters to play with. In my four year old mind,I was happy and life was good! But little did I know my life andeverything in it was about to change forever.

I was told years later, while mother would be out partyingand drinking, that she would leave us kids home alone, or withwhomever she could get to babysit us. I remember waking upone night, and daddy sitting on the side of my bed. Startled atthe sound I heard, I sat straight up in the bed, and said "What'swrong daddy? Are you okay?" "I'm okay Sandy," he said to me,"Lie down and go back to sleep." So I laid my head back down onthe mattress, but again, I heard that same startling sound, andsaw daddy vomiting on the floor. This frightened me so much,that I began to cry. "Sandy, why are you crying?" daddy asks. AsI stretched out my arms in hopes that daddy would pick me up,I cried out to him, "I am scared, daddy!" He then turned around,lifted me up and ever so gently cradled me in his arms. He said,"Don't cry baby girl, daddy will be okay." Then he very softly beganto rock and sing to me. "Hush baby girl, your daddy's here".

Up to this day, I can still feel the gentleness of daddy's arms,holding me snug to his chest. Hear the soothing sound of his voicein my ears as he sang to me. At that very moment, daddy was myhero! For just a little while, time stood still for me to embrace mydaddy's love. Sadly though, that one precious moment in timewould be my last to see my daddy for years to come. I have keptand cherished the memory of that night my entire life.

Then suddenly! Daddy and I heard what sounded likethunder, but really was someone's feet stomping up the stairsof our duplex apartment. "Daddy, who is that," I said, and daddymumbled under his breath, "It's your mother. She's been downstairs at the neighbor's. There was a party down there and sheleft you kid's home alone again."

When mother reached the top of the stairs, she began yelling,"Where have you been Charles?" Evidently, daddy must have leftthe house to go drinking, before mother left to go to her shindigdown stairs. Daddy came home before mother did and he wasupset at mother for leaving us kids alone, so he too was angry.

By the time my mother made it to my bedroom, she was verymad at daddy and really lashed out at him. As she came into theroom she stepped on daddy's vomit and fell to the floor. Instantly,I went into a state of panic. I had never seen or heard my parentsargue before, at least that I could remember, so I was terrified ofwhat was going to happen next. At first she was livid and blameddaddy for her fall. Then she began laughing at herself and tolddaddy, "You better clean this mess up, Thomas!" Still clinging todaddy's arms, he laid me back down on the bed. The hall lightmy mother had turned on shined into my dark bedroom and asI drifted back off to sleep, I watched my daddy on his hands andknees, cleaning up his own vomit off the floor. This would be mylast memory of him...