Welcome to Rational Relating

Relationships don't have to be that hard. Billions are walkingaround on this earth trying to connect with others andbuild meaningful and satisfying bonds. Yet for so many, there issomething getting in the way of this experience. Something isoften preventing individuals and couples from having the joyfullife they want and deserve.

You would think it would be different by now. It's not as ifthis is a new challenge. Humans have been roaming the planetfor hundreds of thousands of years and somehow we've made itthis far. We have more ways than ever to stay connected: smartphones, e-mails, text messaging, IM chatting, social networks,access to travel. Go to any bookstore and you'll find dozens ofbooks instructing people on how to find and keep fulfillingrelationships. Turn on any daytime talk show and you'll see"experts" sharing how to have better communication, more sex,and happier unions. More and more American states and othercountries are recognizing same sex marriages as valid and legallysanctified unions.

Given all this, why are so many relationships so unsatisfying? It islargely because most people are never taught the intelligent andpractical tools of relating to each other rationally. They do not haverole models or guides to demonstrate and teach the intricacies ofnegotiation and compromise. They do not understand that love,attention, respect, and honor must be given to oneself before theycan be truly received from someone else.

And how would anyone know this? It's not as if this is evertaught in school. You are given training and skill-building foressentially every job out there. No one would expect you to beable to drive a car if you never learned how. No one would everexpect you to perform surgery if you didn't have the requirededucation. No one would expect you to get into the kitchenand create a four-course meal without the proper preparationand instruction. Yet we expect people to get married and staytogether for 50 years with absolutely no training or preparationfor relationships. It's no wonder that more than half of marriagesend in divorce.

Sara and Bradley's relationship is a vivid and accurate example ofwhat can happen when two people enter into a union withoutadequate prior training and skill-building. They are bothbright and intelligent people who have had access to Amazon'sbooks, Oprah's insights, and more available information thanat any other time in history. Yet neither has acquired the basictools to communicate with a loved one, to act with integrityand consistency, to compromise and negotiate differences, todemonstrate compassion when hurt, or to take responsibility fortheir own feelings and emotions. The joyful life they want anddeserve seems to be perplexing and unattainable.

This book offers a simple solution to that mystery. It is calledRational Relating, and it is based on an effective tool I havedeveloped in my two decades of practice as a marriage and familytherapist. "Rationality" is a perspective that prioritizes thoughtover feeling, belief over mood, action over reaction. It is a way ofbeing present in the world and in your interactions with othersthat increases experiences of joy, productivity, and tranquility,while minimizing pain, stagnation, and drama. Rational thinkingincreases options, possibilities, and choices for one's decisionsand behaviors. In short, it gives you more freedom than you everimagined.

However, implementing rationality in everyday life can mean youare going against the grain of what is expected of you in society.On a cultural level, we are seeing more irrational thinking thanever before. "Reality" television depicts and idealizes individualswho prefer to react emotionally and blame others for their moodsand feelings, while actively creating problems and situations thatlead to drama, which in turn, keeps them on TV. Social media isoften used by people who wish to focus on a catastrophic problem,and/or express baseless arguments anonymously. Politically,Americans have spent the past decade shifting guilt from oneparty to the other, and one president to the other, which onlyadds to a limited-attention-span approach to negotiating complexdifferences.

It is long past time for a change. Whether we are talking aboutrelationships with significant others, online acquaintances, familymembers, or someone in a "red state" or "blue state," we all canbenefit from practicing more rational thinking, logical reactions,and compassionate practices.

Rational Relating is the first step in reclaiming a sense ofempowerment, fulfillment, and self-efficacy in private andpublic relationships. It enables you to be mindful and focusedin your connection with others. It empowers you to act in yourrelationships instead of react. It is the gateway to experiencingmore fun, fulfillment, and freedom in all relationships by takingcomplete charge of your emotional journey.

This book will walk you through the step-by-step process ofcreating a joyful infrastructure that enhances connection andcomfort in all relationships, including the one with yourself. Itwill guide you through a series of explanations, examples, andexercises that will demonstrate how you can incorporate morerational interactions with others. All that is required to learnthis model is an open mind, a caring heart, and a willingness toconnect with others.

What I Learned From Earthquakes

I began seeing couples as a marriage family therapist intern inCalifornia in 1996. To be honest, I dreaded them at first. Itseemed that most people waited until the last minute to cometo therapy to resolve their issues. So often I saw relationshipsdissipate under the pressure of frustrations and resentments thathad been built up for years.

I always pondered this. People don't call the fire department afterthe house has become engulfed in flames. Why do they wait tosee a therapist until the minute before the relationship is over? Iaspired to find a way to help couples get help before the crisis thatleads to the relationship 911 call.

Living in California lends itself to a certain degree of uncertaintyand instability. The ground may literally shift beneath your feetat any given moment, putting a great deal of strain on buildingstructures. I was living in the Bay Area during the destructiveLoma Prieta earthquake in 1989, and saw firsthand what becameof buildings that had a brick foundation with very limited rangeof flexibility or movement. Those were the first to collapse underpressure because they simply had no ability to withstand thetrauma of the shifting ground below.

However, most of the newer buildings did withstand the shock.They were built to be able to endure and survive the stress ofa major earthquake and its subsequent aftershocks. Many haddamage, but because they could shift and move with the earth,they were better able to remain standing, as they still...