An invaluable resource for parents who hope their little boys will grow up to be the kind of men who know which fork to use, how to treat others, and generally make their parents proud.
Somewhere amid the tangle of video game controllers and muddy sneakers, there’s a nice boy. And somewhere within that nice boy is a gentleman just waiting to emerge. For at least eighteen years, you’ll have the pleasure of coaxing him out, little by little. You’ll make sure he knows how to act at a formal dinner, and you’ll explain to him that answering a telephone should never involve the words “yeah” or “hang on.” And eventually, you’ll be confident that he can react maturely when his team loses in overtime or when he meets a girl he likes. He’ll know which fork to use, how to dress on an airplane, and when it’s appropriate to speak up for himself and others. Let Kay West guide you through his transformation from boy to gentleman, and watch his young life flourish.
HOW TO RAISE A GENTLEMAN
A CIVILIZED GUIDE TO HELPING YOUR SON THROUGH HIS UNCIVILIZED CHILDHOODBy KAY WESTThomas Nelson
Copyright © 2012 Kay West
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4016-0461-5Contents
Introduction......................................................................................................ixChapter One Please, Thank You, Excuse Me, and Other Early Social Interventions....................................1Chapter Two Yes Sir, No Sir, and Other Regional Divides...........................................................9Chapter Three Introductions, Greetings, and Leavings..............................................................15Chapter Four Shopping, Offices, and Waiting Rooms.................................................................23Chapter Five Playgrounds, Playdates, and Playing Well with Others.................................................31Chapter Six Sleepovers: Friends and Relatives.....................................................................39Chapter Seven Party Manners.......................................................................................47Chapter Eight Dining In and Out...................................................................................57Chapter Nine Cultural Affairs: the Theater, Movies, Sports, Museums, and Libraries................................65Chapter Ten Traveling Manners.....................................................................................75Chapter Eleven When Nature Calls: Bathrooms, Belching, Boogers, Gas, Spitting, and Scratching.....................85Chapter Twelve Privacy, Boundaries, and Appropriate Attire........................................................93Chapter Thirteen Temper Temper....................................................................................101Chapter Fourteen Religion, Politics, and Santa Claus..............................................................109Chapter Fifteen Telephone Manners.................................................................................117Chapter Sixteen Computers, the Internet, and Social Media.........................................................125Chapter Seventeen Staring and Differences.........................................................................133Chapter Eighteen Preachers and Teachers; Church and School........................................................141Chapter Nineteen Bullies and Bullying.............................................................................149Chapter Twenty Good Sportsmanship.................................................................................157Chapter Twenty-one Written Correspondence.........................................................................165Chapter Twenty-two Giving and Receiving...........................................................................171About the Author..................................................................................................177Index.............................................................................................................179
Chapter One
PLEASE, THANK YOU, EXCUSE ME, AND OTHER EARLY SOCIAL INTERVENTIONS
After "Mama" and "Papa," the very next word in your son's vocabulary will likely be "no." In the early stages using the word "no" typically does not indicate rudeness but rather a self-satisfied delight in finding a means to communicate displeasure other than crying, screaming, or squalling. It is also an easier word for tiny mouths to form than the more agreeable and pleasant "yes." As your boy's vocabulary expands, he will begin to communicate his wants and needs. This is the time to introduce the two magic words: "please" and "thank you."
As with most mannerly conduct, the best way to promote its practice is by example. Children want to emulate the adults in their lives and fit in with the rest of the family. If the words "please" and "thank you" are used without exception in your home, your budding young gentleman will follow suit. Using "please" and "thank you" yourself is also an opportunity to reward and promote other courteous behavior. "Thank you for using your fork instead of your fingers." "Please don't leave your shoes in the middle of the floor."
Except in the case of an emergency, encourage the use of the word "please" by not responding to a request until the word is employed. Do not expect a three-year-old to deliver lengthy sentences such as "May I please have a cookie?" but help him see the difference between a request and a demand. "Cookie!" is a demand that grates on the nerves and will go unheeded. "Cookie, please?" is a request so agreeable to the adult ear that it is likely to be met with the cheerful bestowal of the coveted item. (There are exceptions of course: cookies before meals is a no-no in my house, but I try to recognize the mannerly request by saying, "Because that was such a nice way to ask, it's hard to say no, but not before dinner. Maybe afterward.)"
When your son's request is granted, he then responds by saying, "Thank you." Adults should, in turn, respond to this seminal display of civility with a modest expression of approval. A smile or quick hug is fine; rewards are not necessary for behavior that is eventually expected to be a matter of course, with the possible exception of potty training. In that taxing endeavor, the reward system is encouraged. Reserve your applause for accomplishments that deserve it, like an excellent report card, a four-minute mile, or a full scholarship to college.
It is one small but impressive step from "please" and "thank you" to "yes, please" and "no, thank you," but one not to be expected until the child has mastered the former and uses them as habit. By then, "Would you like a cookie?" has two appropriate responses: "Yes, please" or "No, thank you."
The next phrase central to a young man's socially correct lexicon is "excuse me." The opportunities for its use will present themselves again and again:
If a young man inadvertently burps aloud or passes gas in the company of others, the minor offense will be easily forgiven if it is immediately followed by a polite "Excuse me."
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If a young man accidentally jostles another person or steps on toes, the appropriate way to make amends is simply by saying, "Excuse me."
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A young gentleman does not interrupt adults when they are engaged in conversation—in person or on the telephone—but if the conversation is a lengthy one, and he has a pressing need that must be promptly attended to, then he might say, "Excuse me, Daddy. I really need to go to the bathroom now!" An attentive daddy will stop discussing last night's hockey game and attend to his son's request.
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Should a young man need to have something repeated to him because it was...
