THE QUEST

"Searching for the Real Me"

WHO is this person in my body? WHY am I here? AM I a person of worth? AM I a person who should really be here, or is it all a big mistake ... and someone, somewhere put me in this particular spot and no other ... that I might actually belong somewhere else?

On the surface, these all seem to be very important questions and each of them should have a logical answer or explanation about WHAT, WHERE, and WHY ... in analyzing; even throwing some light of clarification on the subject at hand.

Now you should be able to "see" my predicament. Perhaps I may even cast some doubt on your own personal reasons for being here ... or as in my case ... WHY here and not somewhere else in the universe.

Let's take a look at some of these perplexing questions. They often have the appearance of causing "distress" if anyone has the time and inclination to even try in some small way, to get close to a "logical" explanation about the reality which is the whole basis to understanding this predicament.

I think one has to start at the time of birth. It is the point of "natural" beginning. Once we are here on earth, this becomes the starting point of our personal quest and soul-searching. We begin in the comfort of a parent's care and devotion to our every need. All the staples of life are laid at our feet. There is no "expectation" on our very being nor is there any focus of "concern" on our part.

We are this "little package" of total attention. All that we are asked to do is to make some small sounds of contentment; to eat when someone brings us food and to sleep (hopefully soundly) for a prescribed number of hours until the next day arrives.

Thus, we have established a "pattern" ... a "routine" and day after day we go through these same motions and hopefully all is well ... not only for us but for our care-givers.

Time now begins to march onward and we are no longer in this "baby" form; but are slowly developing into a young person. Male or female, we begin to see our world starting to put demands on us: WHAT ... WHEN ... WHERE we go; what do we eat; when do we sleep. Our daily pattern or routine is constantly adjusting.

We slowly go through the education process, trying to strive for that "golden ring of knowledge". As a reward, we constantly seek advancement to higher grades of education and knowledge. We become aware of a stressful "learning curve" that will be ever present throughout the remainder of our lives.

Life is now making its own demands on "how" we use our time. We become so totally aware of how this will always judge us and our purpose. The skills we may obtain ... if we don't "burn out" ... are becoming a total part of every day we exist.

Let's take a closer look at this period of "childhood". We now represent "a person", a "moving entity", someone to notice; not just a little "creature" freshly "hatched", who is cradled around and shown off for others to notice.

When we were "new" we often heard people utter those ungodly goo-goo words about us as we were cradled in our parent's arms. Once we were recognized, we were quickly dismissed as the onlookers decided there were much more interesting things to see or do with their precious time.

BUT we are people who need immediate gratification; something to give us immense pleasure, or we quickly move on, in a quest for that specific desire. The pleasure meter is ticking and onward we must in all haste move. That would seem our soul's purpose ... that golden ring of pleasure and contentment.

We want to attain and hold it for whatever time period it takes to reach that utopia of possessions and desires that we so crave.

It is in this "real world" of importance, of value or that "craving desire" to possess that certain something, that we are now part of and all too soon, we realize that we too must enter this "treadmill" of QUEST. It has been inbred in us to reach or search for values to feel as if we are a "person of WORTH"; that we can show the world that we also realize the prize ring of value, possessions and power.

These are the "things" that show everyone else that we are made of "good stuff" and have been taught well about what "real" value is. It is not this thing called "love"; but rather is the "possession" of an article of WORTH.

Is this a cold, heartless approach to life that this author has? Or is it in reality, what everyone has been "taught" and "told to search for" to be a person of worth? To me, this still remains the $64.00 question. Should a person not search and truly try to obtain LOVE and HAPPINESS? Or, should a person merely go with the flow and be contented with possessions, cold hard cash, and a life without feeling for his fellow man?

If we watch the news or read a paper, too often this is what is portrayed before your eyes and mind, to absorb for consideration. It is often what the world seems to revolve around is the "common place" things and not the unexpected occurrences. This is truly the reality of the world in which we live only we can make a change if we want a change to be forthcoming.

This would require a total 360 degree change to our everyday life's existence and the way in which we perceive things. Are we truly capable of this kind of magnificent change ... to actually think of our brothers' or sisters' feelings and needs? Unfortunately, I feel I am a person of doubt.

There will always be this thing called GREED ... the total desire to be in control; to have possession of and total denial of others to have the ability (even a slight glimpse) of the greedy person's happiness and total contentment with himself or herself.

This my friend, is the world of REALITY. There are a few that have all they need, want and desire; and a multitude of others who long for an item, crave for it and yes ... even long to have a moment when they too can say they have had their desires fulfilled. This may be for a split second, but they were in possession of their heart's desire and happiness. This limited time frame would rekindle from time to time and memories would return over and over again. ... into eternity.

Unfortunately for those "greedy" people, this is a rare occurrence and so for them, the possibility of a "once in a lifetime experience" where they are truly happy and contented, a feeling of fulfilment will not be known. "Greed" will not stop, even for a moment, to allow them to have and enjoy this wonder that has entered their world and they quickly return to that "greed" curve so quickly.

Indeed they would not even have had any inkling that "happiness" had entered their world and they did not begin to understand what had just happened. For you see, "Greed" does not understand happiness and contentment.

Now I will come down from my "soap-box" and get back to my main concerns. Who and what is this person in my body? Why am I here and not somewhere else? Why this location and yes ... why in this time frame? I will try and look at my childhood from an "outsider's" point of view (if that is even possible) without any prejudging by myself.

The stages of my life, from birth until I was ready to go school were not marked by any significant "flags of delight, pleasure or real meaning" to enlighten you about any outstanding...