Hindsight

I find it interesting that whenever I look back at certain aspects and events in my life, much of it seems more simplistic as time passes. Some may say that the memory fades, while others lean toward the adage of hindsight. Personally, I'm thinking it has everything to do with our incorrect assumption of how bad things really were to begin with. Do I simply make things worse for myself? If that is the case, then have I experienced heartache and pain for the purpose of gaining sympathy? Humans certainly do thrive on getting attention. The news seems filled with attention-seekers, often trumping those simple yet meaningful stories that offer a glimmer of hope toward humanity. As for me, when taking a glimpse back at certain events, as troubling as they were at the time, I am actually glad I faced them. Just try convincing the younger me that I would feel that way at the time.

I hear it more times than not that everyone has a story to tell. I believe that with all my heart. I have faced pain and tragedy, much like you have, as well as your neighbors, friends, family, and coworkers. We all happen to be on the same journey and will lose loved ones along the way, get fired from a job, crash a car, and have plenty of other unfortunate incidents. Anyone could write a book about his or her journey, and yet most do not. What is the big difference between you and the author on the shelf at your favorite bookstore? It would be the drive to get the words down. Authors have the same amount of time, worries, problems, and situations that you and I do. The only difference is that they have dedicated a little more time and effort.

The last thing I ever thought I would be doing would be writing a book. To me, my life has been rather simplistic and no different than many other uninteresting people. It was, perhaps, many of the recent events I had to face that would spark an interest and need to write. I knew from the start that this venture was not going to be a theological breakthrough or the newest self-help book. But aside from the mundane details of my uninteresting life, I think there happens to be a bigger topic lying in wait. The one point I intend to stress here is that this account is personal. I have found that there are too many people attempting to be self-appointed scholars and sell the gullible masses' books that indicate how the author has figured it all out and is gliding through life now on easy street. Please allow me to inform you that the best thing you can do is to avoid anyone that claims he or she has found the answers you have been looking for. There is neither a single question, a single answer, or a magic gimmick that can fulfill whatever it is you are looking for.

If you frequent a large bookstore chain, like Barnes and Noble, you would see that one of the largest sections is found to be the one designated for Christians. Perhaps no other group out there actually believes they have the keys to ultimate truth than the Christians. I can say that because I was one. Looking back, I had the biggest ego when I walked around with my shoulders broad and wide, thinking I was a bit more special than others. It can't be helped. By their own doctrines, they are the only ones that G_d loves. The bookcases devoted to these big spenders are filled with self-help styles and mystery answers. Christians are ever-seeking answers to the questions that keep generating in their heads. Many authors have responded to help quench the never-ending thirst for truth. It is this dependency upon new information that promises to get the reader closer to G_d that entices people to eat it up. Hungry people will eat anything you put in front of them. Christians await the next spectacular, all-revealing novel because they desire to fulfill a need for truth. Unfortunately, the truth is never offered to them. They continue to seek the answers, continue to buy the books, and remain glued to the televangelist. Any trinket offered for a small love-gift is held in such high regard, as if it holds magical power. You should know. You have done it too.

The dealings I have had over the last few years were, to say the least, life-altering. The little revelations I discovered, and the ones I dismissed, were completely unprepared for. The religion I had devoted so much of my time, effort, and spare time toward would rear its head toward me and my family. I sat back and watched similar attacks happen many times throughout my years in the church. If you have ever seen it happen before, then you know church-style justice is relatively swift, relentless, and quite thorough. What you might not be familiar with is the destructive wake it leaves, especially toward those it is directed against.

My intentions are not to systematically destroy the institution of the Christian church. I am under no delusion that I could possibly hurt, dismantle, or change the flawed institution. You may sense in my tone that I look at the church now as a product of a well-orchestrated, anti-Semitic power craze by Constantine. Perhaps nothing would give me more pleasure than to watch the entire conglomerate collapse and get sold off and the money that it bilked people for centuries would be turned into doing good. I have come across many people that claim that I simply do not understand what really happened. Over the last four years, I have faced incredible criticism for my journey and beliefs. These attacks have no effect on me anymore as I have heard them all. If there is simply one thing that I will try to impress upon you, it is that the very religion that people uphold as truth will easily take a person down who begins to become too wise. Do not fret. There will be no white-haired, blue-eyed fanatic wearing a robe coming to your house if you cause a stir.

Instead, you will be approached by those whom you trusted and called your brother or sister. The universal catchphrase you learn in church is that you are not just friends as you are family now. How long you are part of that family depends upon how long you don't rock the boat. Don't ask too many questions, don't push any boundaries, don't show too much weakness, and whatever you do, don't show too much strength or aptitude. You will know the sights are upon you when they begin to smile and greet you more frequently. This is the standard operating procedure to keep you at bay while your future at that congregation is discussed. Not only will your friends and newfound family execute you, they will do it wearing smiles. Just know this: it's for your own benefit because they love you so much.

My journey is not the only one to follow along similar lines. At the time I was facing...