PANIC ATTACKS

Balboa Press

Contents

About the Author........................................................................................viiIntroduction............................................................................................ixPreface.................................................................................................xiAcknowledgements........................................................................................xiiiChapter 1 My Own Personal Panic Attacks and How I Dealt with Them......................................1Chapter 2 You Can't Change Something Overnight That Took Fifty Years to Accumulate.....................7Chapter 3 Five Things Needed to Rise above Panic Attacks...............................................11Chapter 4 Thinking.....................................................................................17Chapter 5 Fear and Anxiety.............................................................................47Chapter 6 What Contributes to Anxiety..................................................................55Chapter 7 The Positive Snowball........................................................................63Chapter 8 What Worked and What Didn't Work for me When Dealing with Panic Attacks......................81Chapter 9 Peace and Joy................................................................................105

Chapter One

My First Panic Attack

I remember every detail of that first panic attack at age fifty—it had me thinking the end was near. I had a lot of things happening in my life and my health was down. I just wasn't feeling well. I went to bed that night with the flu, aches, and pains, but my schedule was full. There were things that needed to be done. I could not afford a rest. I woke up from my sleep as usual at 2 a.m., sweating. My heart was racing, and I was feeling sick. Now this is where I made my big mistake.

As usual when I needed results, I talked negative to myself with self abuse things like, "Come on, Paul, pull yourself together. There is work to be done," "I knew you were no good," or "You're hopeless. I told you you would never be any good." These are the same comments that were used on me as a child, and as an adult, I was regularly using these comments to motivate myself when things needed to be done. There is no way I would speak to anyone in that way, yet I spoke to myself like that regularly.

After this bout of self-abuse, I felt even worse, so I gave my self an even bigger dose of abuse, and consequently the feeling got much worse. I felt so bad I got up out of bed, and then I collapsed to the floor. I had never felt so bad in all my life.

I made it to the bathroom to lie down on the cold bathroom tiles, as it was now wintertime and the tiled floor was very cold. I was so hot, I disrobed and lay on the tiles to try to cool down. I held out until eight thirty in the morning and made it to the doctor's surgery, but then it only got worse. In front of the doctor, I collapsed then lay on a bed and started to shake uncontrollably. My heart raced so fast it hurt my chest. I was so hot that I had to disrobe.

I had been in this condition for seven hours now. My heart was hurting so much that I thought I was having a heart attack. By now, it had built up to the point where I thought I was going to die. "That's it," I said to myself. "This is what happens just before you die." I remember saying, "God, if you're going to take me, then do it now." And then instantly the shaking stopped and I was calm as I waited for death.

After thirty seconds, I realised that I wasn't going to die, and at that exact point all the intensity came back and the panic attack continued. The doctor gave me two Valium tablets, and then half an hour later I was relaxed enough to go home.

At least having a panic attack in front of a doctor, he knew what was happening and prescribed me mediation. He also referred me to a psychologist.

My First Month with Panic Attacks

My very first three days were bedridden as I took two Valium tablets three times per day—six Valium tablets each day—just to help me cope. I only left the house escorted by my wife to visit doctors or the psychologist. I was too afraid to go anywhere in case of a panic attack in public.

After the first three days, my doctor prescribed me to only take Valium when a panic attack arrived. He also prescribed me a drug that would slowly address the imbalance in my brain. I had to take one of these tablets per day. Now at home and accompanied by my wife only, my fear was I had commitments and life had to go on. Only thinking these things was enough to give me another panic attack. So I contacted the people I had commitments with and cancelled. I told them I would be out for a month.

During that first month at home, I had about fifteen panic attacks. I was so frail and exhausted. I had trouble eating and lost six kilos in weight, and I am a slim person to start with; now my energy had been drained. But life had to go on. My wife and I had committed ourselves to a six-month project to renovate a house which we would eventually live in, with the builder lined up to do the work with us so life had to carry on.

My Second Month with Panic Attacks

Now my doctor had said to me, "If you can get by without the Valium, then you must stop taking them because the more you take, the less effect they will have on you." This was good information, which I had listened to carefully in the next two weeks. My wife was taking me out of the house for walks and trips to shopping centres. Then in the following two weeks, we had arrived at the house renovation site with the builder, and we commenced work. I explained to the builder that I was struggling with anxiety because he was a good friend of mine. On we went with our six-month project.

In that second month, with the help of my wife and the builder, I only had taken four Valium tablets—when things really overwhelmed me, even though every day I had severe anxiety and I felt very ill. Working was a help to overcome the panic attacks, and getting out of the house was a "must do," even though working every day gave me severe anxiety. But I would have had anxiety just sitting at home. So at this point, I had broken the shackles of confinement at home. I also stopped taking the drug to alter the imbalance in my brain. The doctor advised me against stopping, but the drug had increased my nightmares to the point of horror, and I stopped taking them without telling him.

My Third Month with Panic Attacks

The third month was also difficult. Every day, I had severe anxiety, as I did from that first panic attack. But unlike that first attack, now I had learnt to treat myself with understanding instead of abuse. I look back now and I think that was a big change in my panic attacks.

Let me explain it. Severe anxiety plus self-abuse equals a panic attack, and severe anxiety plus self-encouragement and self-understanding equals slightly less anxiety and possibly no panic attack. Anxiety is not comfortable, but at least your life can carry on while dealing with it.

By now, I was trying hard to deal with anxiety and take less medication. I thought incorrectly that if I didn't need medication, then I was cured, and I so desperately wanted to be cured.

My Fourth,...