Nuts to Butts

iUniverse, Inc.

Contents

Acknowledgments....................................................................ixIntroduction.......................................................................xi1. "We're not in Kansas anymore."..................................................12. "You're STUPID!"................................................................163. "Your nose to the hose."........................................................274. "They're such pussies!".........................................................355. "Stay in the shop.".............................................................416. "Not another paint job!"........................................................517. "Someone has to stay and serve on the East Coast."..............................548. "Bishop, canary suit, pronto!"..................................................599. "I could snap your neck ... no one could stop me!"..............................6310. "Hey, I stepped on his Corfams!"...............................................6911. "Bees? You've got to be kidding me. How big are they?".........................7612. "I think we should get out of here, tho'.".....................................8113. "Onboard, on duty."............................................................8914. "You've got the handcuffs on upside down!".....................................9415. "The navy only made you an E-7 ..."............................................9916. "Ya know how to make a shark disappear?".......................................10817. "I have the technology; I've just chosen not to use it!".......................11718. "No, ma'am, they didn't. We can eat anythingon the table.".....................12219. "Hey, Bishop's got mail!"......................................................12820. "Those Chiefs are going to kill me ..."........................................13621. "Now there's an odd duck, if I've ever seen one."..............................13922. "You won't have Dick Bishop to kick around anymore!"...........................148My favorite verse from the "Navy Hymn".............................................153

Chapter One

Oath of Enlistment

I,_____, do solemnly swear(or affirm)that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. So help me God. (Military.com, 2011)

My navy career really began on Thursday, August 7, 1969. That is the date my mother drove me the sixty-some miles from Pinckney, Michigan, to Fort Wayne in Detroit to get my enlistment physical and sign even more papers. We had to be at the fort by five in the morning. We had to get up and out of the house by zero dark thirty to make the deadline, which I now know to be "oh five hundred hours." I had no idea what to expect and did not want to be late and piss them off on the very first day. After all, I had copies of my official orders in my possession. The orders I had were signed by representatives of the president of the United States. Richard M. Nixon held that position that summer. Surely these were nothing to sneeze at. National defense was probably at stake, and if I was late I would miss the boat. Mom had the situation under control, and I got there with time to spare. Was she trying to get rid of me? She parked the car along the curb a short distance from the entry point that I was supposed to use, and I got out. I showed my official orders to the Military Policeman, the MP, at the gate and was admitted onto US government property for the first time.

As I reflect back on the day of my physical, I remember that Fort Wayne was not in the most secure area of Detroit. While I was jumping through hoops set up by the examining board, which included bending over and spreading my cheeks (did I really see them use a flashlight), my mother had the unenviable task of waiting in her car on the street all by herself. She was the only person waiting along the curb. Throughout the day my mind kept returning to wondering about her safety. My day at the fort was going to be from six to eight hours. She would spend that entire time reading a book in the car, and in the middle of an August heat wave. Though I did not know it at the time, my worries were taken care of when the MP at the gate walked over to our car and invited her to park next to the gate house in the Official Vehicle spot. He told her he would feel more comfortable with her nearer him than down the street where he could not keep a good eye out for her. He must have left his post to do that. I do not know who that guy was, or whether he was a marine or a soldier. As I made it through my career I built a list in my mind of people who have done something that has helped me in some way without reward. I have silently thanked them from the bottom of my heart and on too numerous of occasions for being there and doing what they did without asking for a favor in return. That unknown MP on the gate at Fort Wayne, Detroit, was the first person on my "Thank God for Being There" list. There would be more.

The day of my examination was the first glimpse I had that I was not in Kansas anymore, or in my case Pinckney, Michigan. I had been in the high school locker room plenty of times and had seen and showered with naked guys before. This was a different scene, however. I had never seen so many different races, ethnicities, and international heritages or backgrounds. This was also the day I learned the painful truth, that I was not as well-endowed as I had always thought. Toto, we were definitely not in Kansas, anymore. During the day I acted in my very best Silent Cal mode, referring to President Calvin Coolidge (1923–29). My interaction with the masses around me was limited by some advice given to me by a friend of my older brother who had served in the navy. His advice was to keep your mouth shut, pay attention to people around you, and do not trust anyone until you know them well enough, and then still be very cautious. That was good advice that I have used many times in my life since then, and it has never let me down.

Another learning experience happened when we were taken to the chow hall to eat lunch or chow down, slop grits, fill the old pie hole, or any number of other euphemisms. Remember that it was a hot day outside. It was pretty hot inside the chow hall too. Large fans with blades that had to be at least three feet across were located strategically around all the tables in the hall. These fans were just blowing up a storm while we were trying to eat what I think were fish patties. Only one per person, please. The lesson I speak of came after I sat at my assigned seat. I was trying to keep my napkin from flying off the table when, I swear this to be true, my fish patty actually flipped over on my tray. Luckily it stayed on the tray, although I would have probably eaten it anywhere it landed. The lesson here was be prepared for anything in a military chow hall. That does not actually apply to air force dining facilities. That is right; I did not call it a chow hall. Air force dining facilities are in a league of their own. If you ever get the opportunity to dine at one, do not pass it...