Noah

AuthorHouse

Contents

REVELATION AND DEDICATION.................................IX1. THE BEGINNING.........................................12. THE BIG ANNOUNCEMENT..................................93. HEAVENLY CONVERSATIONS................................274. DAY ONE...............................................375. ARK BUILDING..........................................376. THE CRUISE............................................437. A SURPRISE VISITOR....................................558. TENSE MOMENTS.........................................699. SAILING ON AND ON.....................................7510. ARRIVAL...............................................8111. FREEDOM & HUMOR.......................................9512. CELESTIAL BAR AND GRILL...............................11313. KUDOS & WHERE ARE THEY NOW............................12314. CAPTAIN NOAH'S TEN CARDINAL RULES.....................127

Chapter One

My revelation begins with a historical perspective and is mostly told in the present tense. It is true that the clear irresistible clarion call attracting hordes of humans into boating is rooted in the fact that life began, after the Big Ka-Boom, in a liquid environment, i.e. the oceans. Even today, following the usual and preferred conception methods, techniques and slipups - animals begin life sloshing around in a nice tepid salt-water solution called the amniotic fluid until it is time to independently begin breathing polluted air without a hose attached to a female.

However, our primordial wet experience, though difficult for most to remember, is never completely erased from our long term memory cells. Since this is true, it is only natural that we continue to "yearn to return" to those halcyon carefree moments of thrashing about in a warm saline elixir, nourished with flavored sweet mother's milk. Today many sailors equate this earlier experience to an adult cruise with Club Med.

Ah-so - we are all born wanna-a-be sailors because of these early in vitro comfy experiences. However, shortly after our birth, and due to capricious mixing of genetic materials, along with governmental educational practices that leaves everyone behind, most humans quickly stray wildly from the Maker's idyllic Garden of Eden concept. After Adam & Eve figured out what was under their fig leaf, a population explosion occurred naturally. Then, wouldn't you know it, people straightaway began beating the daylights out of each other, clearly exemplified by the dysfunctional brothers Cain and Abel's sibling tiffs, that finally led then to a really nasty climax.

Needless to say, this aberrant and ungrateful human behavior was anathema to the beneficent Creator's grandiose plan of blessed harmony, replete with hissing asps, organic clothing and restrictions on apple munching. But once these naive primitive folks began dropping their leafy drawers, listening to conniving snakes, and got into eating applesauce, mankind's maudlin history quickly followed. Sex, apples and snakes sold then and still do today. Today the difference is - many snakes have law degrees.

Perhaps about 5,000 or so years ago, as believed by some King Jimers, God and Goddess Almighty became clinically despondent with the incessant political and religious bickering among all their now mostly nude creatures. However it was primarily the carnivores, dominated by know it all humans who rebelliously evolved way beyond the Garden of Eden's ban on eating sweet red Macintosh apples. Instead they greedily evolved to eating raw, juicy red meat, later to become medium rare. Not only that, but they also began listening and taking advice from hissing asps, who evolved to become renowned bankers, legal counselors and financial advisors.

These rebellious and downright ungodly activities, highlighted by one spirited religious war after another; each war designed and ballyhooed to end all wars, led to a celestial crisis. "Enough already", said the generous Creator Almighty God. He decreed that a momentous meteorological event was to occur, as clearly chronicled in Genesis OT. OT is Old Testament (not overtime) for you sports fans.

You surely cannot blame a benevolent God for becoming testy. An aside, it was also revealed to me that it was not the apple's fault that sex and wars became glorified sporting events. Apples have finally been exonerated and evolved to become a significant health food based on their rich natural organic ingredients, but only after overcoming a controversial biblical history. As we today know, apple strudel and apple cider are accepted as nutritional and tasty, but it wasn't always so. Sorry for the digression. God's more profound problems centered on life and death issues and apples were but an irritant along with serpents and scratchy loose fitting green apparel.

Ungrateful, narcissistic, and bad mannered animals thought God; where did the missus and I go so wrong? This searing morality question became an obsession with God. He felt ethically obligated to do something, even if it was wrong. What the hey, thought God, I have already made one major creation snafu, irreverently referred to as my Big Ka-Boom; so whatever I do now, surely cannot be much worse.

"You know Goddess; I really must have made some egregious miscalculations in our erstwhile glorious creation scheme that has allowed animals to stray in so many off-the-chart directions. Was it the mischievous DNA molecule - that funky double helix thing that betrayed me? I for sure never anticipated probabilities that seemingly allow for so many strange permutations. You know, there really is no end to probabilities, is there?"

"My dear God Almighty, do not be so hard on yourself for this unholy mess. The almost infinite probabilities lurking in your tricky molecules are truly difficult to comprehend. Let me gently remind you Dear, since you flunked developmental math three times, perhaps if you had tried a fourth time you might have passed and saved yourself this heart rendind grief. Flunking math is like shooting oneself in the foot, eh Big Guy?"

"You are so right my precious Goddess, I really did OK in single digit addition and subtraction, it was multiplication and division that were my mathematical Achilles heel. What shall we now do about this immorality soup we are in?" Asks a deeply troubled God, meekly seeking solace from his ever trusting, gorgeous, faithful and understanding Goddess. She was so smart - and cute.

God, having been an early-on feminist by creating the first women from man's ribs, pleaded with his Goddess to partner in some serious discussions on the evolutionary debacle occurring since their creation. But they agreed to omit any reference to mathematical stuff. They further agreed that humans were now totally consumed by slaying, slewing and begetting - and this unsavory process was accelerating. Begetting had become essential to sustain the escalating slew and slay business. Was the problem really a faulty DNA, a topic God was not going to discuss since it might also reflect on a defect in male ribs? This line of inquiry could backfire. They indeed had a tangled problem, but assigning fault was something the Two did not want to explore.

The ever gentle sweet Goddess suggested they first try adding some romantic activities, like drawing, music, line and square dancing to help civilize their earthly miscreants. God thought this...