OUR MONEY PROBLEM

Ryan was never a fan of school, and after a couple of years of college he hit the job market just as the Internet was becoming an essential part of everyday life. He has an eye for web design and a knack for coding, and he worked for other people long enough to save up cash and strike out on his own. In good years, his new business has thrived. In several not-so-good years, Ryan is proud to say he has survived.

Alycia fell in love with this creative, driven entrepreneur. The couple met as twenty-three-year-olds playing in a church softball league. Alycia and Ryan dreamed of a growing business with more impact and an increasing bottom line. They envisioned a life more affluent than either of them had enjoyed while growing up. After the couple married, Alycia continued her career in human relations. When she gave birth to a daughter followed by a son a year later, she chose to work part time, and she continues to find steady employment a decade and a half later. Both Ryan and Alycia feel they have accomplished much but long for more. They want a bigger house in a more prestigious neighborhood, for example, but they will stay in place as long as they owe more on their mortgage than their house is worth.

Ryan has felt increasing business pressure for the past several years. In fact, his company would shrink if he didn't put in longer days than ever. He feels as if he is barely holding his own as he competes with innumerable kids half his age who are promoting themselves as experts in all things digital. Inexpensive do-it-yourself design platforms mean Ryan's expertise isn't valued even when it is badly needed.

Business has gone flat just at the time family expenses are exploding. With a daughter in her junior year of high school and a son a year behind, spending feels out of control. Ryan used to think it was ridiculous when little Bekka wanted a hundred-dollar doll and a tubful of accessories. Now the latest cell phone and a closetful of clothes are just the start. His son once played endlessly with a glove and ball. Last week Daniel came home and announced he needed hundreds of dollars of lacrosse equipment the next day.

Although the couple struggles to make vehicle payments, they keep rolling over leases on new models. Ryan once vowed his family would never own more than two cars, but when Bekka earned her driver's license, he realized an extra car would make it easier for her to get to club-soccer activities. Soon a third vehicle appeared in the driveway, and lately Ryan has wondered about getting a fourth one. Not that there's anywhere to park it. The space is already occupied by an SUV and trailer for hauling Daniel's motocross bike and a spare to races.

Even though the college clock is ticking down for their children, Ryan and Alycia block that from their minds. Ryan assures Alycia that if he just has a consistent stream of business, he can write checks to cover tuition. They need to convince Bekka and Daniel to enroll in public universities close to home, but both kids have other ideas. The children might need sizable loans to cover their schooling, but these days, who doesn't?

Ryan sees himself as an astute, self-made man. Thanks to his hard work and Alycia's contributions, they have always lived well. They look like they make a lot more money than they do. Ryan is living the dream of being his own boss. Alycia always has a confident, put-together look, and the couple is popular with other parents at school and church. Those relationships create demands to spend money on going out, weekend getaways, and even group vacations, but Ryan and Alycia feel like those outings are investments in their family.

Lately Ryan rolls out of bed feeling that every day is make or break. Landing the next client will secure him weeks or months of work, and until the next shortfall, he feels pretty good. When he has hit lean stretches, extended family have helped with loans. Ryan dreads the day someone discovers he often borrows from one family member to pay off another. Not long ago Alycia went behind his back to get money from her parents and from a sibling who has less but still feels sorry for her. Although they never speak about it, Ryan and Alycia both wonder when the life they work so hard to maintain will all fall apart.

Our Money Relationship

It's tough to blame Ryan and Alycia for wanting a better life. They're good people. Hard workers. A husband and wife in love. Parents who want the best for their kids. They're committed to God. If you were looking for someone to hang out with, they would probably be high on your list.

At the same time that we empathize with Ryan and Alycia's desire to have a nice life, we can't help but notice their unhealthy relationship with money. Our money relationship is our everyday attitudes and actions toward money — how we think and feel about money, and how we use or misuse it. Like any relationship, it can be good or bad, healthy or unhealthy, on the upswing or on life support.

When Ryan and Alycia think about money, they are detached from reality. They keep spending more and more even as they get closer and closer to the edge of a cliff. They live each day worrying they will get caught. Their affluence is more or less a costume and their self-reliance a mask. Deep inside they experience self-doubt. They fear their way of life will come crashing down, and their most basic needs will go unmet.

Unfortunately, almost everywhere we turn, we observe unhealthy dynamics around money. We notice it not just in grown-ups struggling to keep up in a culture of discontent. We also observe it in young people trying hard to make their way in the world. And to be honest, we see the battle raging within ourselves.

Money Madness

As authors we want to tell you something that might shock you: we don't claim to have this money problem all figured out. We struggle against the same impulses everyone does, and we are comfortable admitting it. Why? Because it's true. Consumerism is the air we all breathe. It fills our lungs and pumps through every part of our being. If you don't realize we fight the same battles you do, you could easily conclude we don't have anything to offer you regarding your own relationship with money.

We do bring backgrounds that help us understand this money problem so we can move ourselves and others toward a new solution. We come from different perspectives. Brad is the CEO of Thrivent Financial, a Fortune 500 company that is also a membership organization of Christians. The organization is more than a hundred years old and serves over two million members. Jim is a PhD licensed psychologist with a graduate degree in theology. A...