The State of the Union

All relationships are doomed.

My relationship with my daughter, Tia, when she was six months old was very different from my relationship with the same daughter at age thirteen. If I did not adapt how I related to her at different ages, I would have doomed the relationship within months. Relationships evolve as we evolve over time, so we need to adapt to sustain the connections with our loved ones. Even if we account for the shifts in the relationships over time, they are still doomed.

All relationships within the old model of love are condemned to fail. This statement is not a supposition. It is a judiciously considered conclusion from myriad relationship statistics. This statement at face value seems pessimistic and morbid, but I assure you, it is empowering to understand the source and cause of the statistics behind this conclusion. Before we get into the source of all our problems, let us scout the terrain. Let us conduct a reconnaissance of the state of the union: the state of the relationship union.

The following are all cases of doomed relationships. I will describe each of these dysfunctional relationships very briefly. What I mean by relationships is not limited to relationships between partners. The relationship is not restricted to the relationship between girlfriend and boyfriend, between wife and husband, or between life partners. I do mean all relationships.

Sexless Relationships

About two years into a long-term relationship, the passion and desires wane, and sex becomes a chore for one or both partners. For extramarital relationships, it takes four years for the lust to fade. Orgasms occur less frequently. The excitement fizzles. At the very beginning, sex occurred every single day, and orgasms were intense and happened every time you had sex. By the end of the passion period of two years, the woman doesn't even bother to fake orgasms anymore.

Sexlessness in relationships creates an impenetrable wall between partners, especially if only one partner perpetrates it. The relationship invariably leads to unhappiness and resentment, with potential for abuse.

Unhappy Relationships

According to a story in the Daily Mail on October 31, 2010, six out of ten couples are unhappy in their relationships. Four out of ten have considered leaving their partner. And 10 percent no longer trust their partner. Over half complained that their partner was no longer affectionate and giving. Three-quarters of couples complained of a lack of passion in the bedroom.

Also, an article in the Huffington Post UK on July 12, 2013, states that millions are stuck in unhappy marriages and would not walk away for fear of financial and emotional hardship. These couples are trapped by the financial security of unhappy marriages and would only divorce if financial security could be assured. The other fear is being alone. Many feel that it is better to be unhappy than to be alone. It is plausible to say these couples fear the unknown of a divorce.

Another common reason for couples staying together is the children. Staying together for the children is noble, but it may be futile because children can sense when something is not quite right with a relationship, regardless of how well a couple thinks they are concealing it. Couples go to great lengths to hide their failing relationships. They pretend to kiss and cuddle in front of the children, family, and friends. They sleep in the same bed. They maintain the charade and façade of a happy marriage, all the while being in misery, to protect the children and avoid the stigma of a failed relationship.

I have witnessed some bitter and ugly divorces, but I more commonly see unhappy marriages. Divorces are a finite phenomenon. They have a definite end, and the parties can start their respective new lives. In contrast, unhappy marriages exist in perpetuity, with no end in sight, which adds to the hopelessness and misery. To exacerbate the problem, the partners expect they should be happy and feel they deserve to be happy. And when they are not, they blame each other.

Divorce

Statistically speaking, the divorce rate has decreased in the last forty years. However, this decline is misleading. Back in the seventies, people would leave home early on and get married, and five years later, they would divorce. Some years later, they would meet someone new and marry again. Today, rather than getting married right away, we cohabitate for five years and then separate and perhaps meet someone and cohabitate some time again before getting married much later in life. Those cohabitation/separation cycles would have been captured in the divorce statistics forty years ago. Adjusting for this cohabitation, we can safely say the divorce rate is at an all-time high. Living in a de facto relationship artificially suppresses the divorce statistics. The current divorce rates in the Western world vary from 40 to 60 percent.

Divorce is frequently the last resort for couples. As bad as the statistics are, those who divorce may be the lucky ones, for some who do not divorce may live unhappily in a marriage for the sake of children, reputation, or financial security. For some, keeping up appearances may be an everyday performance. They keep up appearances in front of the children, family, and friends. They turn up at family gatherings pretending to get along. Friends frequently do not see behind the façade of affection. Beneath all the veneer of keeping up appearances are couples in dead relationships, wishing for something different. Statistically speaking, the happiest day in the marriage is the wedding day. It is then downhill for the next five years, where the happiness level plateaus. The seven-year itch is a phenomenon where it takes about two years after this trough to summon up enough courage to divorce or have an affair.

Divorce in and of itself is not a problem. Values, standards, beliefs, views, goals, and personalities may change or become incompatible. Domestic violence is also a good reason for divorce. A divorce is not just an end of a relationship for two people. It is often the dissolution of a family. The problem lies in the aftermath of a relationship breakdown. Threats of harm, custody battles, and long drawn-out legal battles and financial settlements destroy lives and traumatize families, especially when children are involved. The problem is the pain and emotional turmoil divorce creates. For some relationships, divorce may be an inevitable end, but animosity and bitterness and suffering are not inescapable. Unfortunately, most divorces finish this way.

Infidelity

The actual rate of infidelity may not be available, given its...