Mending the Soul: Understanding and Healing Abuse

Mending the SoulCopyright 2005 by Steven R. TracyRequests for information should be addressed to:Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication DataTracy, Steven R.Mending the Soul : understanding and healing abuse / Steven R. Tracy.---1st ed.p. cm.Includes bibliographical references and indexes.ISBN 0-310-25971-1 (hardcover)1. Sexually abused children---Pastoral counseling of. 2. Adult child sexual abusevictims---Pastoral counseling of. 3. Child sexual abuse---Religious aspects---Christianity.4. Abused children---Pastoral counseling of. 5. Adult abuse victims---Pastoral counseling of.6. Child abuse---Religious aspects---Christianity. I. Title.BV4464.3.T73 2005259'.1---dc22 2004025695ISBN-13: 978-0-310-25971-1This edition printed on acid-free paper.All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the New American StandardBible. Copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The LockmanFoundation. Used by permission.Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from the Holy Bible: New International Version. NIV.Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. Allrights reserved.The website addresses mentioned in the endnotes are offered as a resource to you. These websites arenot intended in any way to be or imply an endorsement on the part of Zondervan, nor do we vouchfor their content for the life of this book.All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, ortransmitted in any form or by any means---electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or anyother---except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.Interior design by Tracey WalkerPrinted in the United States of America05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 /?DCI/ 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1Stories and examples used in the book are based on actual events, but various details havebeen changed to preserve anonymity of the individuals involved. In several instances, stories arecomposites of two or more actual events.The information in this book should not be construed as professional or legal counsel. Readersare encouraged to consult legal and medical professionals with specific questions or concerns.The author and the publisher expressly disclaim responsibility for any adverse effects resultingfrom application of the information contained herein.chapter 1a wake-up call regarding the extent and power of abuseMary sobbed uncontrollably on the bathroom floor. Her motherstroked her hair and held her until she could finally speak. Mary'sfirst day of high school had been a parent's worst nightmare. She hadgotten into a fight with a classmate, had threatened the principal, and was onthe verge of being expelled from school. Mary's parents, missionaries with aChristian organization in the inner city of San Francisco, were beside themselves.Ever since she entered adolescence, Mary had grown increasingly rebellious andwithdrawn. The precocious little girl who wore fairy dresses and drew picturesof puppies now wore black and drew pictures of corpses. Mary attempted suicidetwice in junior high. In fits of rage she would curse her parents for notaborting her before she was born. Her parents sought help from counselors,their youth pastor, and even the family doctor, but nothing seemed to help. Itfelt as though they were in a losing battle with an invisible demon that was consumingtheir daughter's very soul.Finally Mary began to speak to her mother in barely audible whispers. Shetold about a boy at school who had threatened her friend. As her mother beganto question the depth of her rage at the boy, the long-invisible dragon began totake shape. Her cruel classmate had triggered dark memories she had spent yearstrying to escape. Finally she could no longer hold back the terrible images. Sheshamefully recounted that five years earlier, her cousin had sexually molestedher over a period of two years while he was babysitting her. The molestingstopped once her family moved to San Francisco, but her cousin continued tomake sexually suggestive comments whenever she came to visit.Mary's parents immediately contacted the authorities and the rest of thefamily. The authorities chose not to prosecute the case, since there was no physicalevidence. The extended family turned on Mary and her parents with avengeance. They accused Mary of trying to destroy the family by making up lies.They accused Mary's parents of using the cousin as a scapegoat for their poorparenting. They threatened to report Mary's parents to the mission board to getthem removed from their ministry. Even when three other children came forwardand reported that the cousin had fondled them, the entire extended familyrefused to believe or support Mary. They argued that if the cousin had donesomething inappropriate to Mary, it was in the past, and she was obligated toforgive and forget. To add insult to injury, they rebuked Mary for her angertoward her cousin and said it showed how sinful and unchristian she really was.Two years after disclosing the abuse, Mary still wasn't sure she could believe ina God who watched her cousin molest her but did nothing to stop it.I wish Mary's story were merely a hypothetical example. It is not. My ministryto Mary and her family has permanently transformed my understanding ofabuse. It also raises troubling questions for all Christians:* How widespread is abuse?* How can abuse that happened years earlier continue to have an impact?* How can parents, youth workers, and single adults looking for lifepartners identify potential abusers?* How can abuse victims heal?* What does genuine healing look like?* Where does forgiveness fit in?These are some of the questions this book seeks to answer. For all too longthe church has ignored or even covered up abuse. By God's grace this mustchange.Mending the Soul is divided into three parts. Part 1 addresses the nature ofabuse. Here I will seek to give a biblical explanation for abuse, define exactlywhat constitutes abuse, and look at the characteristics of abusers and abusivefamilies. I'll examine five different kinds of abuse, all of which distort the imageof God and hence are very damaging.Part 2 explains the effects of abuse. Abuse victims and those who seek tominister to them must understand the way abuse impacts the soul before a planfor healing can be mapped out. All too often, well-meaning Christians spoutBible verses to cure very complex problems such as abuse. Scripture does giveus a path to healing, but we cannot use Scripture properly until we have a keengrasp of the nature of abuse and the damage that needs to be healed.1 Morespecifically, I'll look at shame, deadness, powerlessness, and isolation as four ofthe most persistent and destructive effects of abuse. I will also relate these effectsof abuse to our being made in the image of God, for it is only when we see abusefrom the vantage point of our unique creation as divine image bearers that wecan understand the soul damage created by abuse.Part 3 will provide a path to healing. I'll specifically discuss facing the brokennesscaused by the abuse, coming alive from deadness and numbness, learningto love and trust God, and understanding the role and practice offorgiveness. This section will conclude with an epilogue written by a sexual abusesurvivor, who shares how God helped her heal, and will also include herthoughts on how churches and Christian leaders can minister to the abused.