Memoirs of a Senior Dater

AuthorHouse

Contents

Preface................................................xiChapter 1 Getting Started..............................1Chapter 2 OMG, LOL.....................................7Chapter 3 Profiles.....................................17Chapter 4 The First Date...............................27Chapter 5 The Aftermath................................33Chapter 6 The Wasband..................................41Chapter 7 Here We Go Again.............................51Chapter 8 The Professional.............................59Chapter 9 The Truth....................................67Chapter 10 Sweet Home Alabama..........................75Chapter 11 Does the Hand Fit?..........................83Chapter 12 I Need to Pass the Test.....................91Epilogue...............................................99About the Author.......................................101

Chapter One

In the old days of adult dating you would go to a bar, mingle, use your favorite line and then hope to find that special someone. You only knew a little about the person, only what you could find out that evening, and mostly while under the influence of alcohol.

Guys would use catchy lines like, "What's your sign?" "Do you come here often?" My all time favorite is, "Do you know what time it is?" She answers and you say, "Well, now that we have the time, how about the place?" So classic!

With having to go through that kind of torture, you can see why online dating has become so popular. You can scan through the lists of pictures and profiles and never have to say a single word. Just go through and throw out the ugly ones first, then the dumb ones, and take the couple that are left and check them out.

Of course you have to put your picture on there and write a short profile about yourself. There is a whole chapter on profiles later in the book. You write down your likes and dislikes, all the things you want in a person, and just lie your butt off to make yourself sound good.

A couple dating sites like eHarmony and Chemistry.com, ask you a series of questions and they pick the possibilities for you. You can only choose from the ones they send you.

The other types of dating services, like Match.com, DateHookup.com and Singlesnet.com, just to name a few, have you look through countless pictures and profiles.

Of course, everyone starts out looking at all the good-looking ones. As you read through this book, you will find that the top criterion isn't who looks the best. Unfortunately, the top criterion is something that you can't see. It's called sanity.

There should be a genetic sanity test of some sort that each dater has to take and, if they prove to be neurotic, psychotic, schizophrenic or pathological, it should be listed in their profile. Now, for guys, this test is simple, just check to see which women I've already dated and you can eliminate them. It's like I have a tattoo on my forehead, "Crazy women, please call me for a date."

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Some of the pictures you see posted are worth much more than that. I wish I could put pictures in the book, but I would spend the rest of my life in court.

I had one lady show just her face in her picture, and in person she was huge. Now that is just dishonest! Then you have to look at her for the first time and act happy to meet her.

You have to wonder what some people are thinking when they post some of the pictures that you come across. I saw this one lady sitting on her couch in a housecoat, smoking a cigarette and had the meanest look on her face. Who was she trying to snag with that picture?

Beware, to of pictures where the person is at a distance or hiding behind something. The reason is that they are doing just that, hiding something.

I met with a lady and she looked good in her picture, which was taken from a distance, but when I met her up close, wow! It was like one of those people you meet in a bar and it takes about 3 beers before you can even look them in the face.

I searched on the men's side and saw as many horrifying pictures there too. Some guy with a potbelly was holding up a big fish he caught. I'm not sure I would want to meet the woman that he attracted with that picture. Hint to the guys, women could care less about the size of your bass.

You almost have to wonder, after looking at some of these pictures, whether some of these people were put up to it as a gag or a joke. The ones who weren't posting as a gag, you would have to ask them, "Don't you have a mirror in your house?"

I mostly look at the ladie's pages, so I am speaking mostly to that. There was a picture of a lady that had on what looked like orange gym shorts, an orange tank top and a garter on her arm. At first I thought it was a man in drag. The sad thing about this is that this woman would probably pass my genetic sanity test. It's just not fair!

I had a female friend of mine tell me she saw this guy on line with dark black hair. She had agreed to meet with him and went to a restaurant to meet him there. She said she went in and scoured the place trying to find him and couldn't. She also noticed this one man in the restaurant staring at her. Finally this man came up to her and asked if she was Terri and she said yes. He said, "Hi, I'm Rob." She said this man was as bald as a cue ball and she would have never recognized him in a million years. The picture he posted was at least 10 years old.

Then you have the opposite type. The really attractive women who want to show off their stuff. You know the ones, dresses up to their mid thigh, boobs hanging out and all kinds of suggestive poses. Then they complain that the guy wanted to have sex on the first date.

Finally you have the normal ones. Nice looking women, dressed nice in modest attire, nice profiles written. Now these were the ones I went after and you'll see where it got me. Remember what our mothers told us, "All that glistens is not gold."

If I could add something to that, "Just because it glistens, doesn't mean they aren't crazy." It's not nearly as eloquent as the former saying, but still the truth.

Chapter Two

WELCOME TO THE 21ST CENTURY and on-line dating. This is where you spend half your life getting to know someone before you actually talk to him or her on the phone. You have to email and instant message back and forth before you ever get to that first phone call. It's guys like Jeffery Dahmer, who used to eat his dates, which have ruined it for all of us. Nobody trusts anyone, and you are going to prove yourself to him or her, no matter what.

Instant messaging (IM) is where a little screen pops up on your computer and you can instantly send messages back and forth, whereas email has to be sent and received by the other party to read and respond. Not all sites have IM.

On-line email isn't sent to your normal email address either, but rather to one they give you. If that person doesn't log in to the online service, that email can set there for a week. Then they answer your email and it sets in your mailbox. You then respond, and then after a month you know each other's names.

I had a lady who would send me an email and say "Good Morning". That's it! I would send one back and say "Good Morning", and tell her things about myself in...