CHAPTER 1

The Pink Candies

I was raised on a farm, and our first home was quite far from theroad. As a little girl, I felt that the farm was my world, and I did notsee beyond that.

I remember sitting in front of the TV and watching The FriendlyGiant. Afterward, my brother and I would play hide-and-seek. In ourkitchen we had one cupboard. It was one of those cupboards that stoodby itself and had a few doors and a few drawers to store our cutlery.I remember climbing the cupboard, opening the door, and finding asmall bottle of pink candies. I took it, jumped off the cupboard, and ranto hide behind the couch. Then I tried to open the bottle to eat thosepink candies. I finally got the bottle open and ate all the pink candies,after which I hid the bottle under the couch. I did not think anythingabout it; I just went off to play with my brother. The day went on, andwhen it came to suppertime, I ate. But I felt very tired, so I went tobed.

Later that night, I guess my mother found the empty bottle andwoke me up. All I remember is that she tried to get me to throw up, butI couldn't, and I fell asleep again. Please remember that I was a child,so I really didn't understand why my parents were upset with me. Iwoke up in the hospital the next morning, tired and in a bed that hadwhite bars all around. A Catholic nun was looking at me. I didn't seemy mother or father around, so I went back to sleep.

A few days later, my dad told me that the "pink candies" I had eatenwere actually children's aspirin, and they hadn't been able to wake meup fully. They'd had to rush me to the hospital to have my stomachpumped. My father asked me why I had eaten the pink pills, and I toldhim I had eaten them because Mom was mad at me. I told my fatherthat I had wanted those pink candies and had been determined to eatthem all. My father explained to me that the pink pills were only usedwhen someone was sick. He explained that eating all those pink pillscould have made me really sick—or could possibly have killed me. Icould have ended up in the hospital with all those machines attached tomy little body. The doctors had pumped my stomach as a precaution,because my mother had found the baby aspirin bottle empty.

There is another event that I recall from my childhood. It was in thefall, and I was in my father's black, two-door Dodge car. My motherwas driving us to see our father at our second farm across the river. Mybrother and I usually had to sit in the backseat, but somehow that dayI had convinced my mother to let me sit in the front seat beside her.I remember looking out the passenger-side window and thinking tomyself how easy it would be to open the car door while my motherwas driving. I could jump out and see what would happen to me. Atthat point in my life, I wasn't scared of death. I just wanted to get awayfrom my mother so she would stop hitting me.

At that moment, I grabbed the door handle and pushed the doorwide open while my mother was driving. She started screaming at meand told me to close the door or else she was going to punish me. Ilooked at her and said, "Bye, Maman," and jumped out of the car.

I grabbed the passenger-side window, which was still up, and heldon. I remember looking down, watching the road pass underneath myfeet as I was dangling. I was thinking, If I let go, I can be free from mymother. She won't be able to hit me anymore. I thought I would just fallon the grass, tumble a little bit, get up and brush myself off, and startrunning away from her. Then I would be free of her and make a lifeof my own.

While I was hanging on to the window, my mother slowly stoppedthe car, pushed herself across the front seat, and asked me to come backin. I looked at her while I was still holding on to the window. The doorwas still wide open, and I said to her, "As long as you promise me youwon't hit me or spank me." I looked her squarely in the eye, waitingfor her answer, as there was no way I was going back into my father'scar until she answered. I knew what she had done to me before, so Iwaited for her to speak.

Finally, she agreed that she would not touch me or spank me. At thatmoment, I let go of the side window, landed on my feet, walked to theback of the car, and got into the backseat. My brother was crying, andI moved to sit behind my mother so she couldn't touch me. She startedthe car, and we drove to meet my father at the second farm.

When we arrived, she opened her door and pushed the driver's seatforward so my brother and I could get out. We ran toward our father,who was waiting for our arrival. That day, my mother kept her distancefrom me while I went to play in the field with my brother.

At suppertime, my father took me for a walk and asked me whathad happened. I told him I wanted to run away because I was tired ofmy mother always spanking me for no reason. I told him that if I scaredher enough, maybe, just maybe, she would stop hitting me. My fatherlooked at me with sadness in his eyes and told me he would speak tomy mother. He would tell her to leave me alone.

After that, my mother kept her distance for a long while, but bywinter, the spanking, hitting, and verbal abuse started again. Thatseason, the farming industry was not...