DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE THEM TURN OUT RIGHT?

Craig is part of the millennial generation, married and well educated. He wants to make a difference for Jesus Christ in the business world. Several years ago, he joined a small computer applications design firm comprised of five very talented individuals. But none of them — including the firm's founder — had any business management expertise.

Craig's frustration usually would come out in a loud, long sigh while we were cleaning our mountain bikes after a good ride. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do and what belongs to the other guys," he told me one day. "There are no job descriptions for any of us. We spend too much time checking things out with each other to make sure nobody is stepping on someone else's toes. We lose hours of work time that could be spent designing more applications! Our boss seems content to 'shoot from the hip.' I mean, that's okay if you want to stay small, but we have the potential to go really big."

Month after month Craig would hold out hope, asking for a job description. Month after month he was told, "Oh, we'll get to that. But for now, we have this really great job opportunity. As soon as I get them to sign the contract, we'll look into getting some job descriptions written up."

After about a year and a half of directionless frustration, Craig left the company. He and a coworker launched their own business. He told me, "The first thing I'm going to do is sit down and write out job descriptions!"

Ever have a job like Craig's, with no clear job description? It doesn't work, does it?

What's Your Job?

The business world uses job descriptions. So does the military. Even athletes have detailed job descriptions of what they're to do as part of the team.

Maybe you've composed a job description or two without realizing it. Perhaps you've given your babysitter one before going out to dinner with your spouse. It might look something like what Stacey, a mother of three, provides to her sitters:

"We have everything written out very clearly about our expectations:

• Follow established bedtimes, plus or minus thirty minutes.

• Please have our children clean up any messes that they make.

• If the kids aren't getting along well, have them each do 'alone playtime' in their bedrooms for a specific amount of time.

• Please have them change into pajamas, brush teeth, read a story, and pray with them. A small light and music may be on.

• They are never allowed to watch TV — not an option.

"Emergency information and phone numbers are listed as well. We always try to give a designated time we plan to be home by and then try to determine if the sitter is okay with that and whether he or she can be flexible. Seeing those specific instructions creates order and predictability in our home, and that's why I think sitters like watching our kids."

If business people, military, athletes, and even babysitters benefit from having job descriptions, doesn't it make sense for parents, too?

Yes, it does.

So where does the confusion and pressure of our endless to-do lists come from? You'll begin to see the answer if you ask ten people to describe the job of a dad or mom. You'll get fourteen different opinions. That's because the titles "Dad" and "Mom" have become vague, contradictory, and controversial. Often they're based solely on personal opinions or reactions to negative experiences. None of these things makes parenting more understandable or doable.

Since we tend to learn so much through contrasts, let me begin by addressing things that don't belong on your job description. Understanding what your job is not is as crucial as understanding what it is. It also helps relieve the pressure you may feel because of unrealistic or muddled expectations. We'll get to the do list in chapter 2.

Your First Impossible Mission

Naomi is the mom of a toddler who'd be classified as "all boy" — very kinesthetic, with the need to move and do.

"My son, Nathan, won't use words," she told me over the phone. "He prefers to communicate using sounds — machine sounds, animal sounds — you name it, any kind of sound. (Note: Communicating with sounds in place of words is a common trait for people whose primary learning style is kinesthetic, where learning takes place by carrying out physical activities.) We tested him, and he doesn't have any speech problems. How do I make him talk? I'm worried if he doesn't learn to stop using noises, he'll never get a girlfriend."

Did I mention that Nathan is only a toddler?

Behind Naomi's anxiety over a girlfriend is her desire to raise her only child "just right," so he'll grow up "just right" and find "just the right" girlfriend, who will become "just the right" wife for Nathan — all so Naomi will be happy having grandchildren to focus her time on, and all will be "just right."

Naomi doesn't have a dysfunctional child. She's a Christian mom who wants grandkids someday. She also wants to make sure her only child turns out right in order to be a good witness to her unbelieving family. Naomi was putting tons of pressure on herself and on Nathan as well — unnecessary and extremely burdensome demands.

Naomi's not alone. In fact, the single most common responsibility written into parental job descriptions is this:

"IT'S YOUR JOB TO MAKE SURE YOUR CHILD TURNS OUT RIGHT!"

Can you feel it? Pressure, pressure, pressure!

No, no, no. Even if that responsibility were accurate, everyone has his or her own interpretation of what "turning out right" looks like.

Do a reality check with me here. The first human home was the Garden of Eden. It was perfect. This perfect home was run by a perfect parent figure — God. In this perfect home with a perfect Parent were two perfectly created children — Adam and Eve. So far, so good.

In this perfect environment there was a rule: "You must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die" (Genesis 2:17). That's as clear a rule as any parent can state.

You know the rest of the story. Adam and Eve chose to disobey God; they foolishly defied Him and ate the forbidden fruit. You and I live with the effects of that wrong choice to this day. We get old and die. Bad things happen all around us...