HOW TO LOVE YOUR MARRIAGE

Hunter House Inc., Publishers

Contents

Foreword...........................................................viiPreface............................................................xAcknowledgments....................................................xiiIntroduction.......................................................1Part I: It's All about You1: The Relationship Principles.....................................202: The EROS Equation...............................................353: The Guideposts..................................................644: Understanding the Role of Self-Esteem...........................955: Assessing the Gaps..............................................1146: Steps for Turning It All Around.................................136Part II: Working as Two7: Embracing Change................................................1668: Managing Emotions and Communicating Clearly.....................192Part III: Playing Together9: Love and Romance................................................23410: The Physical Touch.............................................251Part IV: The Bigger Picture11: Family Matters.................................................28612: Marriage as a Spiritual Journey................................313Bibliography.......................................................331Online Resources...................................................333Index..............................................................324

Chapter One

Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that. Michael Leunig

My goal in writing this book is to help you achieve your goals as they relate to living joyfully and lovingly. In this case, I'm making the assumption that you are reading this book because you think (or at least hope) that your marriage has a chance of being loving and joyful. This book is about taking a realistic look at where your marriage is now and where you want it to be, and about doing everything you can to bring out the elation, or joy, at the heart of your relationship. This book is not titled Why to Stay in a Marriage That Makes You Miserable or How to Leave an Abusive Spouse. Those are different topics. Rather, loving your marriage involves loving yourself, loving your mate, and treating your marriage as an entity (almost like a child) that needs protection, attention, and nurturing in order to grow strong and thrive.

To love your marriage you are going to have to want to love your marriage. You have to want to love it enough to read this book, do the exercises, practice the principles, and apply the skills. When things are going reasonably well and the marriage just needs some extra oomph, the task is not so tough. However, some of you are dealing with recovery from infidelity in your marriage. Some of you are managing with limited time, little or no money, children who demand your energy, or ill health-challenges that make everything difficult. Some of you are dealing with partners or children who have terminal or chronic illnesses, or with other circumstances that test your strength and all you believe in at every turn. Some of you are dealing with spouses who are abusive or who are totally "emotionally unavailable." Some of you are dealing with low self-esteem and are abusive or emotionally unavailable yourselves. Some of you feel trapped. Some of you are jealous and possessive or have partners who are control freaks. Some of you have relatives or friends who are meddling in your marriage. Some of you are abusing mind-altering substances that interfere with your perspective or have a spouse who is doing so. Some of you are at your wits' end, reading this book as a last-ditch effort with only a glimmer of hope in your heart. If any of these scenarios are true for you, you definitely have some work to do and some hard decisions to make. And yet, here you are reading this book, which means to me that you want to make your marriage work.

If you are in a marriage that you are honestly not sure you want to stay in (or are sure you don't want to stay in) or that your partner doesn't want to stay in, this book will still help you. As I discovered in my own marriage and as I shared in the Introduction, one partner has the power to save a marriage. However, one partner can also end it, so this work may not save your marriage. But it will save you by strengthening you, teaching you skills, and providing you with tools that you will be able to apply during the upcoming changes in your marriage and beyond. If the relationship does stand a chance, this material will definitely give it that chance. If getting out of the marriage is what is next for you, this material will help you gain clarity and will fortify you for that next step.

If you are in an abusive marriage or one in which your (or your children's) safety and well-being are in jeopardy, immediately seek support, safety, and shelter, and then read this book. Please do not think that this material is implying that if only you did more, or if only you were better, the marriage would be okay. Abusive partners-whether men or women-need help. There is simply no excuse for inflicting physical or emotional pain on one's family. However, deciding what to do about the situation you are in (and then doing it) is your responsibility. Making sure you protect yourself and your family and fortifying yourself so that you don't allow yourself to get into a situation like this again is also your responsibility. Even though your partner may be or may have a problem, you are the one with the problem since you are the one married to your spouse. Thus, you are the one who needs to do something.

As you read on, you may think that I am implying that everything is your fault because I am telling you that everything you experience is your responsibility. Here is the difference between "fault" and "responsibility." Fault is about who is to blame for the past. Finding fault is useless because there is nothing that can be done about the past. Responsibility is about having the power to change your present moment and your future. Responsibility (response + ability) is about having the ability to respond to life's circumstances in such a way that you are able to transform your life and your marriage. However, if your spouse were the one reading this, I would be telling him or her that everything he or she experiences in the marriage is his or her responsibility and that he or she has the power to change it. Whoever is the one wanting change is the one with the responsibility to change-oneself or the situation.

Responsibility is a beautiful thing because it gives you power; so, yes, I am saying that everything you experience is your responsibility. I am saying that you are powerful, and I want you to know it and feel it, and to use that power to bring more love and joy into your life and your marriage.

The scenarios of what goes on-and what goes wrong-within marriages are too numerous to address individually. Rather than being a manual on "when this happens, do this ...; when that happens, do that ...," How to Love Your Marriage offers principles, tools, and skills that will help you handle any situation, regardless...