Creating Harmonious Relationships Begins with Knowing Yourself

Why does it seem to be more and more challenging to find a perfect mate or maintain a happy and compatible relationship? Was love always this difficult? Haven't we heard stories of people being truly fulfilled and happy in love? Is love a myth? There are more people on the planet than ever before, and traveling the world has never been easier. Not only that; now we can use technologies like the Internet to connect with others. So what is the problem? Why does it seem to be more complicated than ever to meet the right person and live happily ever after?

Before we probe that question, there may be other questions to consider. Perhaps the real questions are: Am I being the "right" one? Am I happy with who I am? Do I have issues and fears that are preventing me from finding the love I desire? Do I truly know what I desire in a relationship?

Possibly we haven't met the right person or created harmony in our current relationship because we don't know who we are, or don't know how to do our part to create a happy and healthy relationship. Or maybe we like who we are, but we don't believe we can create the relationship we want.

I have friends who believed with all their hearts that their life partners would just show up at the door, that they would not have to do anything special, go out of their way, or change who they were to meet their mates. And amazingly, they were right.

I have clients who desperately wanted to be married, and who searched and searched in vain to find a compatible life partner. Inevitably, with this desperate need to find a companion, they met someone, got married, and then realized they still were not happy. The majority of these clients are now divorced and, once again, out in the world searching for love.

I know many other people who stay in unfulfilling, unhappy, and even unhealthy relationships because they are too frightened to be alone.

These are examples of three different attitudes and three different outcomes. Each example reveals what these people think about themselves. Obviously relationships are possible. People are creating them every day. So what is the problem?

Our current beliefs about ourselves, and our fears about relationships, are creating the problems. If we have unresolved fears and doubts, we sabotage our potential to create a wonderful relationship. How can we be part of a healthy, fulfilling relationship if we don't trust or like ourselves? How can we offer the best of ourselves to another when we secretly fear we are not at our best? How can we feel safe getting into a relationship when we fear it may be the wrong one and therefore could cause us pain? How can we trust ourselves, and therefore our choices, if we fear repeating our past mistakes? How can we create a wonderful relationship if we have given up on the magic of love or have forgotten how lovable we truly are?

We have all heard that we must first be happy with ourselves, but we don't like that. Why can't someone just show up, love us unconditionally, and in doing so make our lives wonderful? The reason this won't work is that it takes two healthy, happy partners to create a healthy, happy relationship.

The first step to finding and sustaining a wonderful relationship is to know, love, and value ourselves. It is important to believe we are lovable, or we won't be able to accept or trust love. The second step is to believe in love, trust that the desire in our hearts is there for a reason, and believe that love is not only possible but real and on the way to us now. So it is important to begin the process of finding or creating a fulfilling relationship by examining ourselves. Let's first uncover some of the beliefs we may be carrying before we look at how to change our lives. We can start by looking at our past relationship choices. Discovering the hidden beliefs, fears, and motives that cause us to keep creating the same unhealthy relationships is the first step to changing.

Understanding Past Relationships

Consider your past relationships. Can you pinpoint a particular reason why most of them did not work out? And if you are currently in an unhappy, unfulfilling relationship, is it not working out for similar reasons?

If you believe something was wrong with you in those relationships, then discover what those qualities — the ones that strike you as "inferior" or "unsatisfying" — are so you can either change them or realize that they are not the truth about you. This is not to say that there is actually something wrong with you. However, if you believe there is something wrong with you, it becomes an issue. Our fears and self-judgments can keep us from being healthy partners and from completely accepting love into our lives.

Do you believe, for example, that you were too weak and needy in your past relationships or too strong and demanding? Do you think you were too lazy and unmotivated or too aggressive? Were you too insecure or too arrogant? Were you too selfish and self-centered or too doting and suffocating? Or are you just really good at choosing the "wrong type of person" over and over again? If you believe you still possess any of these qualities, you may create the same unhappy experience and outcome with the next partner.

Perhaps you have changed since then. Maybe your relationship experiences motivated you to become a better person — or at least a person you like and appreciate more. If you feel you have improved, congratulations for learning from your relationships. You gained valuable insights and wisdom from your experiences. You can trust you to take care of yourself.

As you read this book, you may discover that there is nothing wrong with your particular personality traits. They may be exactly right for you, and the problem may be that you have simply not allowed yourself to be with the partner who perfectly matches your qualities. If you believe your relationships failed because of your partners' faults and weaknesses, then you can change your habit of being attracted to that type of person. Did you learn not to be attracted to that type again? If not, we are back to the original question: Do you think there is something "wrong" with you? If you feel that the failure of past relationships damaged you or made you afraid to get involved with someone again, then ask yourself: Do you think there is something "wrong" with you that would cause you to make those same choices and therefore...