A Lifetime of Regrets is a true story about a young girl named C.J. who begins her life on a military base in Kansas, then moves to Nebraska where her mother is from. Her father soon tires of city life and yearns to go back to his roots in Missouri. He finds some land in Southeast Missouri and moves his family there to begin a new life in the country. C.J. takes you back through all her childhood memories and adventures she went through growing up. She finds out life is not as innocent and carefree as before. Her school years become difficult to deal with as she tries to cope with her deformity and insecurities. After school she jumps right into the work force and discovers herself in a world of free love and promiscuity. She searches through life for the one man who can give her the love she so desperately needs. As she looks for the life she thinks she wants, she runs head on with one disaster after another. Her addictive behaviors eventually take her to a dark and evil world. Her mistakes lead her to nothing but sadness and shame. She struggles to break free from it and regain her Christian life back.

A Lifetime of Regrets

By C.J. Rowley

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2011 C.J. Rowley
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4520-8824-2

Chapter One

I want to begin by saying this is a true story about my life. I have not used anyone's real names in it so I can protect my family and friends. Even they don't know some of the things I've been through. I will start at the beginning and tell you most of what I recall. I was born in Coffeyville, Kansas in the early 50's. My father was stationed at the airbase there. My folks already had three boys and my mother had miscarried before me. She had taken some drugs during her pregnancy with me for morning sickness. So when I was born, I had a deformity to my left hand. A lot of babies born during this time had similar problems. So the drug was eventually taken off the market.

After Dad got out of the military, we moved to Nebraska. My mother's family all lived there. My grandparents had moved out of their old house and rented an apartment. My family moved into it and it was a huge place with a basement and a big back yard. Mom loved to select her switches from the trees in the back. I remember getting a few whacks on my bare legs from them. They stung for days. Dad even raised parakeets for awhile. I can remember opening the basement door and hearing all those screeching birds. They were quite noisy at times. He had all colors and they were so much fun to watch.

The winters were so cold and the wind would whip right through you. I remember having to bundle up in a heavy wool snowsuit. I could hardly move or walk when I had it on. But it was very warm and great for playing outside in the piles of snow. My brothers were so mean and would pelt me with hard packed snowballs. They felt like ice hitting me and really stung my bare face. Soon I would be running back inside crying to my mom and telling on them. I would have so many layers on under the suit, it took some time to get everything off just to go to the bathroom. We would play for hours it seemed and my hands would feel like they had needles stinging in them when we would finally go inside to warm up.

My grandparents were quite the couple. They both were very short, but my grandpa was thin and my grandma was very heavy. They both had a great sense of humor, I guess that's where I got mine from. Grandma was a very good cook and she made the best barbecue beef sandwiches in the world. We always loved to go places with her, because we always got to stop at the ice cream shop on the way home. Grandpa on the other hand had quite the temper at times. When he watched the news on TV and heard something he didn't agree with, he was up and cursing them and calling them "Communists." Everyone he didn't like was a communist and at that time, I was too young to understand what that word meant. He had his good side, though. I remember sitting on his lap and he would bounce me up and down and he would laugh and have a big grin on his face. He loved to watch football on TV. He was quite the "Huskers" fan and so was his son. My uncle and his wife and her two boys from a previous marriage, lived here too. They would come over and visit a lot. All of us kids would have a good time playing together. My aunt and uncle eventually had a little girl. She had the most beautiful brown eyes I'd ever seen. She had her daddy wrapped around her little finger.

My grandpa and my uncle ran a dance hall together on the outskirts of town. They had a pretty big place with a raised stage for live bands to come and play. I remember my grandma getting all the big banners ready to put out on billboards and in stores to advertise all their events. They had some very big names come to play there. I met a lot of famous musicians and singers in my younger days but didn't know it at the time. My folks would get out on the dance floor and have a really good time together. My dad would let me stand on his feet and he would take me for a spin sometimes. We didn't get to go out there very often, but I can still remember the lively polka music and all the jazz playing. Maybe that's why I love jazz today. The place was usually packed with couples drinking and dancing the night away. They had a coat check lady that took care of everyone's jackets. I remember all the beautiful fur coats that came through there. I loved touching them and feeling how soft they were and wishing that when I grew up I would have one, too. On Sundays, we would go out to clean up after the parties. The place smelled so strong of cigarettes and booze, it would make you sick. But I loved looking for lost coins under the tables. I got to keep whatever I found. Usually my folks left us with babysitters when they would help out on the weekends there. They would bring candy for us and let us stay up and watch the "Alfred Hitchcock" show. I would always be scared and hide my eyes when the "boogieman" appeared.

My dad worked different jobs in his life. He worked as an ice man for awhile and I remember him working for the bread company delivering "Aunt Betty's Bread". He was a machinist, too and he made all kinds of things. He eventually moved us into a brand new home. It had three bedrooms, a basement and a fenced in yard. We had to make new friends and I started kindergarten there. I hated going to school and I had to walk with my brothers. It was a long walk for my little short legs. My mom would pick me up at noon if I made it that long. Sometimes I would just leave after sandbox time and walk home by myself. The teacher would discover me gone and call my mom to be on the lookout for me. It was quite dangerous for me since I had to cross a very busy street. But times were different then. We could run and play all over the neighborhood without anyone worrying. We just had to be home by a certain time or else. We used to play outside with the garden hose and spray each other and run through the wet yard. We threw water on each other with old coffee cans or buckets and once I fell on a can and cut my knee open. I had to go to the hospital to get stitched up. One time I slipped on the basement floor when it was wet and I cut my head on the concrete. Back to the hospital again for more stitches. I had to be held down because I was so afraid of needles. I can remember stepping on some glass and my mom had to hold me down on the bed so she could remove the slivers. That hurt so bad and she made me bite the pillow to keep from screaming.

I had a friend named Debbie who came to play with me. Her brothers were friends with my brothers. They were always getting into trouble. One day they brought home a baby skunk. It smelled so bad and my mom threw a fit. She told them to take it back to the field where they found it. Another time they caught a bunch of snakes and turned them loose in the house. They finally caught most of them and released them outside. Debbie was a little older than me and she was my first introduction to sex. We would play doctor and nurse and she always wanted me to get into the closet with her. I never thought much about my body until she had me take off my clothes and she touched me in my private spots. My mom walked in on her one day and discovered her naughtiness to me and she told her to go home and never come back. I felt so ashamed and knew I had been a part of something very bad. I had to make new friends after that. Sometimes my cousin Ricky would get to come over and we were close to the same age. He was so much fun to play with and I thought he was so cute. When he smiled he had the biggest dimples I'd ever seen. I always wanted to kiss him and he would play hard to get with me and make me chase him. Then he would let me kiss...