THE BEGINNING

Fall was setting in early, the air crisp and cool. It was a huge relief from the untypical heat the small town of Newark was experiencing. Ann sat on her front porch, sipping her cup of tea. It was warm, and sweet, flavored with the local merchants' honey. How did I get here, she sighed to herself how did I get here?

She remembered her plans when she was younger. She was going to set out, and move to the city, "The Big City". She was going to be involved in fashion design and create wedding gowns, for people in love. It would not matter if they were young or old; they just needed to be in love. It would be a blessing to be involved with those in love, no matter what their age.

Love, what a concept, love, is that what got her here? Ann was the mother of two children, Brie an early teen, and Jenna, a small toddler. Here she was again by herself, lonely, and divorced. Barely thirty-two, she was feeling like the weight of the world was on her shoulders.

She shuddered, and grabbed the handmade blanket to throw over her shoulders. She continued a slow and easy rocking, in the old chair. Ann and Brie had nursed this chair back to life years ago. It was the only sturdy and safe thing in her life at this point, beside herself.

It was a good thing she had made it through nursing school she kept thinking. At least her schooling had provided her with a steady income, and a career. It also helped her understand her youngest.

Jenna was a beautiful baby. In addition to blonde curly hair, she had big blue eyes, bright and full of wonder. she could wrap her mama, around her finger a thousand times over. Granted it was only with a smile, rarely a word. Her ability to communicate with the world continued to decrease with every seizure she had. How long would it be, Ann wondered, before Jenna would not remember who her mommy was, or call out to her? She was only two and facing such obstacles. Obstacles no child should face.

How long would it be, before the pre-school called stating she was not doing well? Ann would drive to the school, and bring her home. How long would it be, before they had another court review? Her father often petitioned the courts for visitation.

This she decided long ago would never happen again. It would not matter if she had to leave her family and friends behind and go on the run. She would go into hiding. She would never allow her daughter to be in the same room with this man.

The last time he had visitation, had shaken her. Once she was home, Jenna had a Grand mal seizure. It was her very first one. Ann could remember trying to help her breathe, on the way to the hospital. Her innocent baby had stopped breathing, (during the seizure), and turned blue. She could remember the gut feeling that this was it; it was over. Nothing could help her with the overwhelming feeling of loss, of failure, and helplessness, nothing. With god helping her, she had made it through; it had to be God, because no one else was there, no one except her landlord.

He lived above her with his mom. He had heard her screams, and came running...... Tears were trickling down Ann's face at the memory. She had been so scared.

Grabbing her home made blanket, she clutched it tightly around her shoulders and cried. The sobs coming from her were deep, and she tried to muffle them. It did not work. She sat there helplessly, sobbing, her large brown eyes turning red and swollen, her nose red. Her short brown hair cropped around her face. She had streaked blonde hair in the front. She had hoped her ex would not recognize her, as she left the house.

She was still shaking, in silence when she heard her phone ring. If I just ignore it, it will stop; she thought to herself; it will stop. She was not ready to listen to the lawyers and doctors again this morning. She had painstaking put her baby on the bus, this morning, and it was no easy task. The ringing would not stop.

Slowly she got up from her chair and opened the screen door. Yelling aloud to no one in particular, she screamed, "OK, I'm coming, just hold on!"

Then she rushed inside, what if something had happened? Picking up the receiver, she could hear the voice of her best friend, "Ann, are you there, I really need you, are you there?" The anxiety building in her chest relaxed and she began to breathe, once again.

It was her best friend Julie, "What's wrong, you sound awful; it's not like you," Ann replied.

"It's my mom, she's really sick and I have to fly back home. Ann, are you home this weekend?' I am really going to need your help," Julie replied. "You know I can't spend more than a few hours with her before she drives me over the deep end."

Ann thought where else would I be, but was she ready for this? "Of course I will be here, just call me when you need to head over. I will have the wine chilled and ready".

They had a normal routine set, when they talked about their problems together. Wine chilled, cheese and fruit, and mild music would play softly in the background. Usually it was classical, as this always allowed them to think and talk, without getting in the way of the conversation.

It had been well over a year, since Julie had moved out to the shore, and they were able to have an evening like this. Just the thought of it had made Ann wish that Julie had never moved. She was so easy to talk with. She was one of the few friends Ann could count on when things were tough, because they thought so much alike. Julie was the one to put a bright spin on things, and turn the worst of events into a comedy.

"Oh no, not this time!" Julie stated emphatically. "Just think about getting a sitter, and what you are going to wear. This is so serious; I am going to need to get out."

There was a short pause, and Julie began again, "I just want to laugh and have a good time, and forget. Can you handle that Ann? I am really counting on you." "No interruptions please, no serious soul searching. Just the two of us, the music and fun, please say you can do that, please."

There was silence on Ann's part; this was not a typical Julie reaction, not any part of it. "Please," Julie stated, "please, her voice getting deadly softer, and serious. I just found out my mom has pancreatic cancer, and I need something to hold on to."

Ann finally found her voice to speak, "I'll see what I can do".

"Thanks," Julie said with a very shaky voice, "I owe you one, no maybe two, I will call you later and see how you make out. I knew I could count on you; I just knew it".

Before Ann could reply, the receiver went dead, and all she could do was stare into the end of the phone, wondering what she had gotten herself into this time. As she looked at the clock, she realized, it was only an hour before Jenna came home. She had gotten nothing done this morning; she was just too busy feeling sorry for herself. I have to stop this, she scolded herself, and get moving.

The hour in which Jenna came home was eventful. Medications, lunch, usually a change in clothing, and then putting her back on the bus, left little time. If Jenna came home in one of her bad moods, Ann would have a hard time managing her. Tantrums, food, crying and tears filled the hour. This would continue until Ann could safely put her back on the bus. Then calm would return.

Walking hastily around the kitchen, trying to figure out what she could make for lunch Ann began having a real conversation in her mind. "OK, Julie," she said aloud, "Just who...