CHAPTER 1

To Risk or Not toRisk, That Was My Question

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"I was just completely over myself and knew there had to be abigger purpose to my life."

—Kimber, Age 38

Let me start by telling you a little about how I got to where I am today.I am from the Midwest and led a very traditional life, but as far back asI can remember, I was always searching for something different, neverfeeling content with anything in my life: not the city I lived in, not the jobI had, not the life I was living.

At age thirty-eight, I took one of the biggest risks I have ever taken; Ileft everything and everyone I had ever known in Kansas City and movedto New York City. I knew that I needed a change in a big way, but wasmoving to New York a rational decision? Probably not, but that didn't stopme. I took a job that I knew wasn't going to be right for me, but somethinginside of me said it was now or never if I had any hope of changing theoutcome of my life. So I will state the obvious that, of course, I couldhave changed my life in many ways staying where I was. The rational sideof my brain was on a temporary sabbatical when I made this life-alteringdecision. I packed my bags, left my little house on the prairie, and headedfor the Big Apple. This move took me down a path of many big risks tofollow, and even though I was absolutely miserable for months, there wassomething inside of me that would not give up. I was searching for that"something more," not knowing what it was or if I would find it.

Now this is not at all uncommon for any of us, to feel like we needto shake things up and make some kind of change in our lives. I have onefriend who knew what her path was much earlier in life. She was completelyaware of what was working and what wasn't. I love how courageous she wasto drastically change her life in an instant. She was an officer at a bank;it was a great job with good upward mobility. One day, right before herthirtieth birthday, she was sitting at a meeting with all of the officers ofthe bank, and a question was posed to everyone at the table. When theygot around to her for her input, she answered a very different question. Shesaid, "You know, I just don't want to wear pantyhose to work anymore."Her coworkers were dumbfounded by her seemingly bizarre response.Later that week she chose to leave that job and pursue other options. Whatclarity and courage she had at a relatively young age to know that sheneeded to make a change and to follow through to make it a reality!

My clarity came much later in life. My first three years in New YorkCity were filled with so much turmoil—multiple changes in jobs, 9/11,and yet another bad relationship that was going nowhere. Oh, and by theway, my fortieth birthday was right around the corner.

I had many moments of thinking there must be something more ora much bigger purpose for my existence, and over the years I'd had someglimmers of what that could be, yet nothing really gelled for me. I thenlanded a stable job at a great company, moved to Connecticut, ended thelatest bad relationship, and thought to myself, Okay, now what?

I had several friends who had gotten married to men who had childrenfrom previous relationships and decided they didn't want any more kids.I thought to myself, No one gets to make that decision for me. If I get intoanother relationship it's going to be a package deal. That is the moment Imade the decision to pursue adoption. Adoption? As a single parent? WasI nuts?

"I was just completely over myself and knew there had to bea bigger purpose to my life."

There were many times over the next three years during the adoptionprocess that made me question the decision. I went through a really big"poor me" phase, where I thought that if I moved forward with adoptionI was admitting to myself that I would never get married. Ridiculous, Iknow, but again, back to the rational brain thing, which wasn't alwaysworking for me. I questioned myself constantly, and yet something farbigger than me kept pushing me forward in the process, in spite of all ofthe obstacles I continued to face.

My family and friends had a beautiful baby shower for me. The oddthing about the day was that I attended my baby shower and then attendedthe high school graduation of a good friend's son on the same day. That wasa little bit of a reality check on my age. In case you haven't been keepingtrack, I was now in my early forties and clearly old enough to have a sonor daughter in college, not in diapers. I wondered if my daughter's friendswere going to ask whether I was her mom or her grandmother. Thatthought was definitely not appealing.

To make matters worse, I had a challenging adoption experience, withdelay after delay. After three years in paperwork and constant uncertainty,I can honestly tell you that most people would have quit. I continued tohang in there, even though it was an emotional roller coaster. I don't knowwhich was worse, having people ask me on a daily basis when my daughterwas coming home or having to tell them I didn't know.

I got the first picture of my daughter when she was only six weeksold, and it was magical, overwhelming, amazing, and terrifying all at thesame time. And then it was during my first trip to visit her, when she wasaround four months old, that I started to become aware of the challengesthat were ahead. What I didn't realize then was how hard the road wasgoing to be. The biggest issue was that there was a challenge with one of thebirth mother's documents, which began the spiral. I had no control overit and had to work within the system, completely relying on my adoptionagency and their contacts in another country. I got updated photos oncea month and would travel to stay with my daughter for just a weekend ata time. I ultimately made four trips to her country over almost nineteenmonths before finally being able to bring her home. Every time I visitedher and realized how much I was missing, and with an unknown enddate, it was like ripping a little piece of my heart out when I had to leaveher with her foster family. Even though I knew she was being well...