From Infertility to Placement Day

Aaron got there first. First to the place you reach in your heart and mind where adoption becomes an opportunity. We had spent more time in the doctor's office that day, this time hearing about needles, the calendar, and the expense of in-vitro fertilization. Money was tight. Aaron was in college full time working towards his engineering degree. We both worked full time jobs to avoid any school loan debt after his graduation. The $25K price tag on having a baby who had our genes was just not in the budget. We had been trying to have a baby for almost 5 years; the last year spent on and off Clomid, a popular infertility drug at the time. For months I had hoped and prayed that this would finally be "the month" and I could finally have that moment a woman dreams about, and I could tell Aaron he was going to be a daddy. It never came and I would cry myself to sleep wondering why God would put this deep desire to be a mommy in my being.

Like I said, Aaron got there first. He was so very gentle and patient and waited for me to get to that same place. One night he reminded me that my favorite book as a child, entitled The Family Nobody Wanted, was about a family who adopted 12 children. Now of course I didn't want 12. Just one little someone to fill our house with pitter-patters and fingerprints. I had to come to the realization that God had a plan that was better than my plan. I had to trust Him above anything else and let go of my ideal family. I submitted my plan to God and honestly said "your will, not mine." At that moment I had no idea how incredible God's plan was for us.

We walked into the adoption agency on a brisk January day. Our social worker was a lovely woman who chatted with us about all the ins and outs of the adoption process through their private Christian agency. We chose a private agency even though we knew it would be more expensive than adopting a child through the state. We chose this particular agency because they provided counseling for young women before, during, and most importantly after the adoption. We had the choice to pursue a domestic or international adoption. For us the higher cost of an international adoption in addition to all the travel expenses was not an option. We also knew that there were so many children born right here in the states that needed a home. Another reason that we chose this particular agency was that they arranged what are called "semi-open adoptions." A semi-open adoption is one where everyone is on a first name basis; a young woman, also known as a birth mother, is able to have arranged contact with the family after the adoption, all terms agreed upon before the baby is even born. We felt that this was especially important for us. We really wanted our birth mom to be well taken care of and supported throughout the process. At the time, I could only imagine how hard it would be for a woman to hand over her precious baby. She would make such a sacrifice to give us such a gift.

As with any adoption, the paperwork was daunting: background checks, fingerprinting, and 150 personal questions about us. The questions ranged from where and when were we were born all the way to how we planned to discipline our child in his teen years. The questions took much thought and countless hours to answer. One particularly memorable form was about children with special needs. The form listed about 40 different disabilities and birth defects such as blindness, cleft palate, heart murmur, and Down's syndrome. We thought carefully as we answered each one. We wanted a baby. We wanted the baby that God hand picked. The little one that He had in mind may not be perfect in the world's eyes but we knew that God doesn't make mistakes. As we went through the list we decided to rule out the disabilities that would have been difficult for us to care for financially. For instance, a baby that would need several heart surgeries was not one we felt we could provide the proper care for, financially. It was at this point that we learned that a mixed race baby was considered special needs because they are harder to place. We really didn't care what color our baby was. We just wanted to start our family.

Soon after all our initial paperwork was complete, I got a call from our social worker who told us we had been approved. This was a big deal for me; it was like the doctor telling me I was pregnant. I so wanted to make the moment special as I told my husband, much like I had imagined I would telling him I was pregnant. I left work early and went on a mission, shopping for little baby shoes. Up until this time I had tried to stay away from the baby section in stores, it would just make me sad and I'd end up crying all the way home. But on this day a baby in our future was inevitable. I went to several stores until I found the perfect pair: a tiny pair of red Converse sneakers, a pair that would work for a baby boy or a baby girl. I wrapped them up in a sweet little white box and tied them with a white bow. I attached a little note that said:

"Congratulations! We're approved ! You're going to be a Daddy!"

My husband's lackluster reaction was not what I had imagined all those years, but my vision of motherhood had been turned on it's head already, so it mattered little.

Aaron: What can I say? I am an engineer. I study the practical application of things. In my mind, we were approved, but not yet chosen. At that moment, there was an untold amount of time that it could take before we were even considered candidates by a birth mom. Which to me meant we could be years away from actually becoming parents. I couldn't bring myself to get excited over being approved. Even after being chosen by a birth mom, it was possible that she could change her mind and chose someone else. I had reserved myself to being excited at the moment I put MY baby into the backseat of my car and drove away with MY family. Besides, who would have doubted that we would be approved? We were shoo-ins for that.

Near the end of our adoption process we were required to attend 6 weeks of adoption classes in a group setting with other hopeful couples. During this time, in March of that year, I woke up with some strange pains. After I spoke to my OBGYN, he had me come in for an exam and a blood test. The tests showed that I was pregnant but that something was wrong. At first they thought I had been carrying twins...