CHAPTER 1
My Heart's Cry
My Heart's Cry was the original title of the poem "Who am I." This was the first writing that came at a time in my life when I was discovering who I was and learning to appreciate my uniqueness. For so long, I defined myself by relationships and accomplishments. However, it was this writing that marked the beginning of poetic expressions and redefined what "self-awareness" meant to me. Through this journey, I learned who I was and what I liked. Writing helped me to get in touch with my own feelings, desires, fears, hurts, and insecurities, resulting in the healing process of a girl whose self-esteem was critically wounded. All of the writings in this chapter are a cry from my heart while I was either single or married. Although my life had been illuminated when I began to write, it was still a very dark time. Writing helped me to crawl, walk, sometimes stagger, and even run through the darkness while I reached for the One who illuminated and reconstructed me at the very core of my being. Through this my existence became meaningful, my worth was validated, and my once angry and fretful heart was healed.
Enjoy!
Katrina L. Harrell-Wallace
WHO AM I?
WHO AM I?
I am a BLACK WOMAN, a black virtuous woman who loves being a woman who can look in the mirror and behold the beauty of my blackness, because my blackness is beautiful. I am a spirit, a soul-being, and my personality and the way that I am is my character (my inner-woman). It's my inner-woman that makes me who I am: different, unique, unlike any other woman.
Hmmm, I think and I wonder ... Who am I? Who am I? I am a child of the most High God, a new creation in Christ Jesus, girded with strength and honor. A woman who is not perfect, but being made perfect daily by the Word of God and the yielding of my will to God's will and His Holy Spirit.
WHAT DO I DESIRE?
My desires are to remain a God-fearing woman, to be a good wife doing my husband well always, and to be a blessed mother. I desire to love and to be loved, to give and to be used by God to be a blessing to someone else. I want to grow in God and be the best that I can be in every area of my life.
It is not my desire to hate, be envious, or jealous of people. I do not want to be judgmental, and when I get married, I definitely don't want a wimp for a husband. The man that I pray for (my soulmate, my spirit to spirit) is a man whose inner-man is born again as well. I want a New Creation, who is being renewed by the word of God and transformed in the image of God. I want a man who knows the Lord for himself and loves the Lord, because then and only then will he know how to love me. I want a man who's gentle, warm, giving, caring, loving, sharing, understanding, and fun; yet, he should also be strong and wise. I want a man who can truly be the priest of our house: a mature man who is open and honest, and one who is a good example and father for our children; a man who is faithful to his calling by God, because only then can he also be faithful to me.
WHAT CAN I OFFER?
I can love, for GOD has taught me real love and is perfecting it daily. I can be his comfort, support, and warmth when he needs someone there. I can be encouragement because I know who our help is, the sister when he needs a friend, the shoulder to cry on, and a listener when he wants to talk; but let's not forget that I can never be a substitute in the place where God should be in his life. So in the event that I am not around, he needs to know the Lord. God has to be in his life! What else can I offer? Well, I offer prayer. I know who to pray to and I know that myGOD is faithful!
WHO AM I?
I am a BLACK WOMAN who is beautiful, not said in conceit, but because I am a creation of GOD.
By Katrina L. Harrell
ARE YOU THE ONE?
Are you the one?
Or is there another?
Don't waste my time.
Don't play with me, brother.
I'm on a mission
Need to know if you're sincere.
I can't mess around
I must keep my head clear so I may truly hear.
My guards are up.
That's just the way it has to be.
Only God, my Father, can confirm
Your value, worth, and importance to me.
Don't even try to tell me,
The "God told me you're my wife" bit
When I speak to Him every day.
Be clear that I'm not falling for the lame and foolish pitch.
So come correct
And let me just set the record straight,
There will be no free sampling.
It's been YEEAARSS since Ms. Kitty has had any ac-tiv-i-tay.
I will not be your ego mission.
You will not bring me down!
Get this: "I refuse to play with fire."
So on days when she purrs: it's in prayer that I am found.
I'll call on the Lord until He comes through.
I'll speak to my flesh and command her to obey.
I'll lock myself in my room if I have to.
"You are NOT in charge!" I will say.
It is my earnest desire
Not to hurt God or let Him down.
He's been so loving and kind to me;
I refuse to fool around.
I'm waiting for the real McCoy, my Isaac;
Do you hear?
So get to stepping if you're not the one.
I have No time for crumbs, my dear.
So come correct, my brother.
That's all I have to say.
I'm a refined sista with no time for junk
I'm saving my pearls and doing it God's way!
By Katrina L. Harrell
A New and Better ME
I know to most I appear strong,
But I'm really fragile on the inside.
There have been so many disappointments encountered;
It's hard to trust people and believe me I've tried.
It's not all because of others
That I am of a distrusting way.
I know how I once was
Before God changed me and had His say.
I tried to be straight up in relationships.
I forewarned brothers how the relationship would be.
I had grown hard and callous by life's experiences.
You had to be strong and have backbone to deal with me.
But God would take a relationship
To break me down inside;
To teach me how I hurt people
And for 3 years, He chastised me to...