CHAPTER 1

A Woman of Value

When a kingdom woman begins her day, heaven, earth, and hell take notice.When she nurtures and advises the man she loves, he can do little to resisther. When she offers care, comfort, and encouragement to her friends and relatives,they are able to go farther, faster, and in confidence because of her inspirationand reassurance. "Her children rise up and call her blessed" (Proverbs31:28, ESV). Other women turn to her for wise counsel and a compassionateear. Her church relies on her faithful service. She is a vital contributor to cultureand a gatekeeper at her home to keep out the negative and promote the positive.

When we examine the history of the Christian faith, kingdom women(both married and single) are everywhere. Kingdom women throughout theBible saved lives and nations. It was Jochebed who intervened on behalf ofher son Moses (Exodus 2). Because of her watchful protection, Moses was laterused as the deliverer of Israel (Exodus 3). It was Moses' wife, Zipporah, whosaved Moses' life when God was going to punish him for his refusal to followa simple command (Exodus 4:24–26). Esther's bravery gave the opportunityfor the Jewish people to defend themselves from what would have been utterannihilation (Esther 7–8). Ruth's refusal to return to her own people becauseof her dedication to her mother-in-law, Naomi, led to the ongoing line of theMessiah (Ruth 4:18–22). Rahab was instrumental in the victory of Israel overJericho (Joshua 2). Mary carried God's Son in her womb (Luke 1:30–35).

The clearest profile of a kingdom woman that I have ever found in theBible is in Proverbs 31. What is interesting, though, is that in all of my studyof Scripture, I have never found a corollary passage for men as Proverbs 31 isfor women. It could be that men need the whole Bible to get it right, whilewomen just need a chapter.

The Proverbs 31 woman is the hallmark of kingdom women. I like to callher a woman for all seasons. She is strong, intelligent, capable, giving, resourceful,efficient, spiritually minded, and much more.

Now, don't close this book just yet. I know that sounds like she is a perfectwoman, and you may feel that her standard is set too high to actually reach.But the Proverbs 31 woman is not the model of a perfect woman. Neither is akingdom woman called to perfection.

Let's use a stay-at-home mom as just oneexample. A kingdom woman is not someonewho can multitask perfectly while also home-schoolingthree very different children, servingon four church committees, carpoolingeleven neighborhood kids back and forth tosoccer, keeping her home spotless, coachingthe spelling-bee team, functioning as a killerCEO in the workplace, making her husbandhave the best night of his life each and everyevening, and maintaining a size 6 figurewell into her fifties—all while cooking onlyorganic, nongenetically modified foods and making every meal from scratch.

That woman doesn't exist. And we didn't put this book together to makeyou think that you should be her either. In fact, from my experience pastoringa church for nearly four decades and spending thousands of hours counselingboth women and men, the issue is often that women are trying to do toomuch—and all at once.

Women, you can be a Proverbs 31 woman and more—but that doesn'tmean you do it all at the same time.

One of the most important principles for you as a kingdom woman is thatyour life flows through different seasons. Each of these seasons carries withit different time constraints, blessings, and demands. To try to do all thingswithout being cognizant of the season you are in is the surest way to burnoutand even bitterness.

The primary foundation of being a kingdom woman doesn't include a milliondifferent things done a million different ways. The primary foundation isactually simple and straightforward. It is located at the end of Proverbs 31. Afterlisting everything that this particular woman did, the verse says,

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.Give her the reward she has earned,and let her works bring her praise at the city gate. (Verses 30–31)

What sets a kingdom woman apart from any other woman boils down toher fear of God. Her reverence determines her actions, thoughts, words, andpriorities. Without that, the demands of life would overwhelm any woman.

Fear the Lord

A woman who fears the Lord will receive the praise that is due her. Her worksand the products of her hands will give her the recognition and validationthat are hers alone. When a woman understands who she is and how Godmade her—when she pursues her destinyin light of how God created her tofunction—what she does will produceremarkable results. This is because itwill be in line with God's will. What toomany women frequently do is base theirdecisions on trying to please others, ortrying to earn acceptance, appreciation,or a sense of worth from their decisions,appearance, or actions. Yet God neversaid that you would receive praise for tryingto please others.

The basis of how a kingdom woman functions comes out of her fear ofGod. How she prioritizes her home and family, organizes her life, makes decisions,chooses investments, and develops her skills occurs from her efforts toadvance God's kingdom. If her priorities are rooted in anything else, they willlead to weariness and busyness rather than fruitfulness and abundance.

The simplest way I know to define what it means to fear God is to takeGod seriously. It means to place what God says and what God requires as thehighest priority in your life. Fearing God does not mean that you are scared ofHim. Fear is better understood as reverence or awe. It means to hold in highestesteem. A kingdom woman fears the Lord in every area of her life.

The marketplace does not control a woman who fears God. The television,magazines, blogs, and social media sites do not influence her away from Him.Her friends don't dictate her emotions or decisions. The culture doesn't defineher. Even her own ambitions don't dominate her. Rather, the primary influencein a kingdom woman's life is God. His voice is the loudest. He is the One sheseeks to please. Her reverence of Him determines her choices.

The Results of Fearing God

Yes, the Proverbs 31 woman did a lot. She earned her husband's trust, she madeclothes for her family, she got her food from the choicest providers, and sheinvested in a small business with her earnings from planting a vineyard. Shehelped the poor, took care of those within her home, and dressed herself andher children in quality clothes. She brought respect to her husband and wisdomto those around her.

Keep in mind, she lived in a day and a culture where planting a vineyarddid not mean that she did it all on her own. The passage said her arms werestrong (verse 17), so we know she did do some of it. But based on the culturalnorms of the day, it is likely that she hired others to work in her vineyard. Shewould have had maidservants who helped around the home, washed clothes,prepared food, and more.

When you break down all that the Proverbs 31 woman did and translateit into contemporary times, it really doesn't sound as lofty and unattainable.Essentially, she honored and respected her husband. She fed and clothed herfamily with the healthiest and finest she could afford. She invested the use of herskills in a personal business, spoke wisely and kindly to others, dressed herselfattractively, and helped the poor. All of those actions can easily translate intoyour world today.

I don't want you to feel that what she attained is so far out of reach fromwhat God is able to do through you. Because it's not. What it comes down tois that her fear and reverence for God caused her to do the best she could withwhat she had to promote God's kingdom and goodness in her own life and thelives of those around her.

Help Is Not Bad

An important principle that is often overlooked when we examine the life ofthe Proverbs 31 woman is that she was not too proud to get help. In verse 15we read, "She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family andportions for her servant girls." Servant girls is not a term that we use today.In ancient Hebrew society, it referred to ahandmaid or helper. It is a small referenceto a very important truth. As I mentionedearlier, the kingdom woman in Proverbs31 didn't try to do it all on her own. Shehad help. She was diligent, resourceful,and productive, yet she didn't do it allalone.

There is a stigma today for Christianwomen in particular about asking for orusing help. For some reason people havecome to believe that "exhaustion is closeto godliness" is written somewhere in the Bible. It is not. The fastest way toget yourself off track from fulfilling God's kingdom destiny for you is to viewyourself as a superwoman who has to do it all on her own. The key to yourdestiny is humbly acknowledging your dependence on God and maximizingall He provides you, even if that includes accepting or using the help of others.

For example, in the corporate world, a manager would not be considered agreat manager if she tried to do everyone's job herself. A great manager knowshow to draw out the best from those around her while simultaneously leadingand complementing their efforts. You don't have to achieve your destiny alone.

Chrystal's Chronicles

I was crashing and crashing fast. After a wild holiday season followed by a trip outof state for our son's surgery, I felt as if my household was spinning out of control.At the time I had a teenager, a preteen, a preschooler, a toddler, and an infant. Oh,and did I mention a loving kingdom man as a husband who just so happened to workin the music business, which meant a lot of travel and time away managing concerttours? I was sleep deprived, short on energy, and short on hours.

Looking around my house, I knew I couldn't do it all. But I was determined to try.I was convinced that I shouldn't need assistance with my duties as a wife and mother.I'd always worked well under pressure and been able to keep a few plates spinning atthe same time. Having been a mother from the early age of nineteen, I knew what itwas like to juggle priorities and commitments to get everything done. I liked being capable,and I definitely didn't want anyone else in the picture to get the glory, uh ... Imean ... be burdened with responsibilities that were supposed to be mine.

I would see other women who I just knew were superwomen and didn't ask forhelp. Little did I know that some of them were dropping their spinning plates too!We know how to mask things, don't we? Each of us in our own manner finds a wayto make things look nice and tidy to outsiders while we know the truth about themess behind closed doors.

I wasn't ready to admit that I needed help. I wanted to be superwoman too.

I remember one night of that crazy-busy season, in those wee, honest hours,sometime after the last child fell sleep and my husband dozed off, there was nosound except for the still, small voice of God wondering in a whisper if He hadsomehow been forgotten that day. I prayed with a metaphorical hand on my hip."God," I said, "if You want me to have time for You, too, then I need some helpgetting things done. And I need You to bring help to me." I didn't want to have tohumble myself so much to actually go look for help—therefore acknowledging that Ineeded some.

But that's how great God is. Despite my ornery self, He heard my prayer in themiddle of my dark and overwhelming night.

Now before I share the answer to that prayer with you, let me tell you aboutmy philosophy on cleaning. I abide by the saying, "My house should be clean enoughto be healthy, but messy enough to be lived in." Because I homeschool our children,I don't ever expect my home to look like it came out of a magazine. I—along withfour to five children (depending on the time of year)—am home at least four daysa week all day. My house isn't going to stay pristine just because I clean all the time.Not possible. I strive for balance between being a good mom, teacher, cook, wife,and homemaker. I'll trade a random opportunity to bounce around on the trampolinewith my kids over scrubbing the baseboards any day!

Sure, I know a handful of ladies who are good housekeepers, great housekeepers,in fact. I have tried to figure out with my husband how they do it. Here is whatI have learned. We all have the same twenty-four hours in a day. If someone else'shome is always pristine, it has to do with how she spends her time. My friend withthe beautiful home and four homeschooled children has children all over the age oftwelve. (Do you hear that, moms of small children? She has no little people!) Sure,she is running around to basketball and soccer practice, but with four other capablebodies in the house, she also has lots of help. Another friend of mine with smallchildren has a gorgeous magazine-ready home. But her children spend three days aweek at a Mother's Day Out ... and she has a nanny. My friend who makes gourmetmeals every night has her kids in traditional school all day.

I also have a friend whose home is always in disarray, but she enjoys her littlechildren and plays with them quite a bit more than I play with mine. They are alwaysoutside playing or inside working on some neat craft. Creativity and fun aretheir family's highest values in their current season. Ladies, it's all about how Goddesigned you and what is important in your life right now. That determines how youchoose to spend your time. No one can do it all.

So as a mom in the middle of mothering preschoolers on up to young adults, Ijust do my best. If I tried to put housework first at all costs, something else that isimportant would suffer: building relationships with my children.

As a result of my revelation, I have gone through a series of adjustments in mypersonal expectations over the last few years so that I can stay sane.

A few of my compromises are as follows:

• I aim for a clean kitchen twice a day. Three times is a luxury. Even so, I alwaysexpect there to be dishes in the sink.

• I shoot for a mopped floor two times a week, unless otherwise necessary.It's just too depressing to mop the floor only to find in just a few hours thatit doesn't look like I did anything.

• I try to hit each room in my house once a week on a rotating schedule. Whatdoes this mean? My house is not clean all at the same time.

• I'm constantly training my children to care for our home, because I'm tryingto work myself out of a job. This means our "clean home" is not going to beperfectly clean.

• Laundry is always going. I do about a load a day.

• My carpet is never going to look new, no matter how many rules I makeabout food and drink staying in the kitchen. It just doesn't happen. What canI say?

• We live in our home. My teenager does schoolwork at the computer, mylittle ones do schoolwork at the kitchen table, we congregate at the island—inshort, we are all over the place. As we transition to the dinner hour, Ishoot for things in their place. If I can't have that, then I shoot for neat piles.

• Oh, and the baseboards? I get to 'em when I get to 'em. (Or I'll just wait untilmy little ones are old enough to do a good job—they are nearer to the flooranyway!)

But here's my problem. I am comfortable with the standards in my home. Butwhen I have a visitor, I'm still completely thrown into a panic. Why? Because I don'twant to leave a bad impression of the kind of housekeeper I am!

So imagine my dismay when my dad showed up for an unannounced visit andproceeded to inspect my house. I kid you not; he went from room to room, eachtime saying, "Oh, Chrystal!" This coming from a man who barely raises his voice(except to preach, of course). Now, granted, the day he came was a bad day. Forgetall my housekeeping rules. He wouldn't have known I had any!

In fact, it was a Monday. Mondays are always the worst. He commented onthe spots on the carpet, the dishes in the sink, the stuff on my countertops, and thebaskets of unfolded clothes in the hallway, and then he even peeked in my bedroomand saw the confusion in there. When he looked in my refrigerator, Dad groaned atthe sticky stuff on the top shelf too.