IT'S YOUR KiD, not a gerbil

Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.

Contents

Introduction: It's Time to Get Off the Wheel!.....................................................................................................................11 It's Your Kid, Not a Gerbil! Are you unwittingly upping the ante on your kids—and yourself?..............................................................52 The Lights Are On, but No One's Home Why home-baked cookies and your presence matter much more than you think..................................................153 Busy Is Good, Right? (and Other Myths) Why stacking up activities to ramp up your kid's success in life won't get you where you want to go.....................314 My Child Can Do Anything (and Other Myths) Why pushing Fletcher isn't in his (or your) best interests..........................................................515 What's in Your Wallet? Where you spend your time and money reveals a lot about your priorities.................................................................656 It's Not What You Do; It's Who You Are How to raise kids from the inside out...................................................................................817 There's No Place Like Home Why everything important starts and ends right in your living room..................................................................1018 The Power of Positive Expectations Why you hold all the aces at home and at school.............................................................................1199 The Balancing Act How to walk that tightrope between work and family without losing your balance...............................................................15510 You Can Do It! How to transition to a better way of life without too much Fish-out-of-Water Syndrome..........................................................18511 It Takes Two, Baby! Why a united front is always the best approach (With a special section for single parents)................................................20312 Up with Downtime Creative ideas to jump-start your thinking about finding it—and using it to your best advantage........................................219Epilogue: A Party I'll Never Forget Why doing the right thing always counts big in the long run..................................................................245Notes.............................................................................................................................................................253

Chapter One

Are you unwittingly upping the ante on your kids—and yourself?

Remember that little gerbil we just talked about? The critter running on the wheel in his cage? I want you to look at him very, very closely. He's running ... and running ... and running ... and ... running. His heart is going a mile a minute. He's working away, intent on going as far and as fast as he can.

But guess what? That gerbil isn't going anywhere! He can run as hard and as long as he wants, but he'll still be stuck running around on that same wheel day after day, month after month, and perhaps even years, with no end in sight.

That's the state of most kids in America today.

I was recently in a dentist's waiting room and watched a scene play out that's becoming more and more familiar.

A teenage son and his mother entered the waiting room. Both were on their cell phones. The mom was making arrangements, from what I overheard, with a co-worker, to take care of the details of a project while she took her son to the dentist. The son was mute ... and busy texting. He looked up twice at his mom, as if trying to get her attention, but she was still talking.

So I watched, from my front-row seat next to the son, while he texted his mother: How long will this take? When the mother finished talking, she looked at her phone and, rather than answering her son, texted him back: 45 min.

And they were both right across the room from each other!

Most kids today can text faster than a woodpecker with ADHD. But do they have the relational skills that will bring them satisfaction and fulfillment in life?

David Elkind, author of the groundbreaking books The Hurried Child and All Grown Up and No Place to Go, says,

The pressure to grow up fast, to achieve early is very great in middle-class America. There is no room today for the "late bloomer." Children have to achieve success early or they are regarded as losers.

And parents today are driven to make their children "winners." Where did this drive come from?

Take a Little Trip Down Memory Lane ...

More has changed during the past fifty years than you think, and it has everything to do with how you parent.

Take a look at the 1950s, for instance—the decade of great optimism. Ads from the day that depicted the future showed men and women lounging on the decks of antigravity homes and smiling as they boarded air buses. Back then, people believed that technology would make life a breeze, freeing up more leisure time to spend together.

But is that really what happened? Seems to me that instead of using technology to our advantage, we let technology take advantage of us. Even with all our time-saving inventions, our pace of life has increased. Check out the magazine articles on squeezing the most out of every second, including how to lose weight faster, find the most healthy fast food, and make friends faster. They're all aimed at our "instant" world.

Time, once valued less than money, is now valued more than money. While people used to sacrifice time to save money, now they sacrifice money to save time. We pay top dollar for express mail, home grocery delivery service, and one-hour photo development.

And just who do you think is watching? Your kids! What they see Mom or Dad do, they'll also do. (Even if they say during the teenage years that they don't want to be anything like you, guess what? The apple doesn't fall far from the tree!)

Children will always follow your lead. If you are constantly on the go, with a to-do list whose weight would kill an elephant, your children will see that. Interestingly, one study found that time spent on homework more than doubled for six- to eight-year-olds between 1981 and 1997. At Toys "R" Us online, you can even buy PDAs (personal digital assistants) for kids to schedule homework between soccer practice and Cub Scouts. To me, the idea that an elementary-school child would need this is, simply, frightening.

Kids today are stressed at every turn, inundated with material things and experiences in such rapid-fire motion that it would be impossible for them to keep up. As a result, there's increasing concern from teachers, youth leaders, and others who work with children, because more and more kids are feeling burned out by their late teens. Claire, a ten-year-old, told her counselor at school,

I can never do enough to make my parents happy. They always want more. Mom wants me to make more friends. My dad wants me to be a better student. All I want is to sit by myself in my room and dream sometimes ... without having to go anywhere.

Claire, by the way, is almost a straight-A student, plays the flute, is on the soccer team at school, is involved in 4-H, takes care of her kindergarten brother for two hours after school until her parents get home, and sometimes even makes dinner for...