Understanding Where You Are

The first step towards realizing your success is two-fold: understanding where you are and how you got here. The second step is accepting responsibility for it.

Most people tend to focus on the unpleasant aspects of their past. You know, those experiences that cause us to cringe, cry, and hide. For some of us, however, it is not enough just to remember those experiences. Many of us tend to hyper-focus on the negative aspects of those experiences to the exclusion of all else. Those hurts and failures make us want to hide our heads, all the while hoping that no one else has noticed or will notice them. We allow those negative experiences to overshadow any good that we have done. Why?

Because these are our failures: They are what we think others remember of us. They are those same memories that are probably running rampant through your mind right now. They are the memories that keep us down and depressed, if we let them. They are the memories that we allow into our psyche as the prophet of our future.

Everyone has heard the voice of doom at some time or other:

"There is no use in trying. You will only fail again, so you might as well give up and be content where you are. It is safe to be here in your misery. It may not be what you want but it is what you know. Besides, it could be worse."

But even with this voice booming in our heads, we feel a need to do and have more. It is what everyone wants: to be more than they are, to live a better life, to be happy and successful: to feel fulfilled. Why, then, is it so difficult to move forward? Why does the past have so much power over us? This is why understanding where you are, (and who you are) is so critically important.

Everything you have ever said, thought or experienced has not only brought you to where you are, it has molded you into who and what you are. You are, in fact, a composite of your past: every person with whom you have ever interacted, every book you have read, every television program you have watched, every success you have experienced and every failure you have suffered.

From these life experiences you have formed opinions, feelings, morals and beliefs about yourself and the world around you. Even your experiences today, in the last five minutes and at this very moment have influence over you.

Thus, you can probably understand why some believe that you are defined by your past.

But there is a difference between learning from the past and living from the past.

--Gerald Reiche

If you are your past, it is important to identify and understand those aspects of your past that have kept you from moving forward. Note the key word: "understand."

The word: "understand" is defined by Merriam-Webster as "to grasp the meaning of." It is not defined as looking at your past experiences and belittling yourself for making a particular choice or series of choices.

Yes, you are responsible for every choice you make, but just as there is a difference between living and learning from the past, there is also a difference between conscious and unconscious choice. We will discuss this more in the coming chapters. For now, it is enough to start with the proposition of being honest with yourself about your past and its effects on where and who you are today. The following exercise will help with your understanding of this concept.

EXERCISE 1: MY PAST

The purpose of this exercise is to get you reacquainted with yourself: who you are and where these ideas of yourself come from. Here you will remember some of your greatest influences, both positive and negative, where you developed your likes and dislikes, what caused you to make the changes that you have made and why you have not made the changes you would like to have made. This exercise will help you understand who you are, and help you see that ultimately, it is you that brought you here. This is the first step toward moving you onto your path of a more creative, fulfilling and successful life.

If you have thoughts of skipping over this exercise, please think again. As I have learned, knowing who you are, how you got here and how these choices brought you here is important to your future. It is where you start looking at the past in an objective manner so that you can learn from it rather than allowing yourself to fall into the trap: that of "living from that past." It will help you move forward to where you would really like to be.

Below are some opportunities to help you reconnect with you. The answers can be written in this book but it may be more helpful for you to use a separate notebook. Since we are all in a constant state of change you may have a desire to revisit these exercises at some point in the future.

Please be descriptive in your answers. For example, state who is with you, where you are, what you are doing. Describe the area around you. Describe how you feel about the event and the choices you made because of those feelings.

Example: My first memory takes place at about the age of three. I am at a playground with two girls. They are our neighbor's children. Their mother is watching us play. I am riding a tricycle. It is a warm, sunny day in Southern California. I am very happy riding the tricycle and being the center of attention.

There is a large chain link fence surrounding the playground. I am very familiar with this place as we have been here before. I am having a great deal of fun until it is time to leave. I want to stay but I know that making a fuss will only get me in trouble. So, although I am pouting, I choose not to say anything and leave as I am told.

Now it is time for you to write about your own first memory, memorable experience, and some other notable times of your life.

MY FIRST MEMORABLE EXPERIENCE :-)

Here you are to write about the first experience (other than the very first memory) that comes to mind. The difference? Your first memory, in this context, is more of an observation than an activity where you interacted with others. Memory does not necessarily involve action on your part whereas experience does. It is your hands-on activity and the resulting interaction with others that is the subject of this first exercise. It does not matter if the experience was pleasurable or not. Just write about your first active experience.

MY FIRST DATE :-)

If you have not yet started dating, imagine what your first date would look like. With whom would you have your date? Where would you go? What would you do? How would it end? Otherwise write about your first date. Where did you go? Do you think it went well? What were your perceptions of your date's assessment of you? Why?

MY FIRST SUCCESS :-)

What was your first success? Where were you? What were you doing? Were you interacting with others or were you alone? How did you feel about it? How did the people around you react? (Either someone witnessed your success or they had an opportunity to listen to your excitement as you regaled them with your story.) Looking back, what do you think you learned about yourself in the experience?

MY FIRST FAILURE :-(

What happened? How did it make you feel? What did you do about it? Did you get up and try again or did you give up? What was your perception of how others around you...