WORDS, THE 7%

Albert Mehrabian, a pioneer in the field of nonverbal communication, is usually credited with saying it best; communication is a 100% of "something." Through decades of research, he found that less than 10% (that's the 7 of the 7/38/55 rule) of how we communicate comes from the words we speak. Really? Appears so. That is to not say that words are not important, because they are vital for discussions, negotiations, and relationship building; but, we must also understand that our words are not our primary mechanism for communication. For example, a baby's relentless screaming without uttering a single word quickly gets our attention; flailing arms with sweaty skin and bulging eyes glaring in our direction clearly communicates our manager's stress level. And, let us not forget those teary eyes and downward drawn mouth facial muscles inches from our face from a distressed loved one. These are prime examples of the power of the non-verbal.

As an early career middle school Language Arts teacher, I am the first one to value word choice, sentence structure, punctuation, and good grammar; however, I deeply appreciate the significance of the 90%+ of how we communicate beyond the spoken or written word. Nothing can be more irksome than the misuse of "too, two, and to" in a company letter. Or, perhaps, the slaughtered application of "their, there, and they're" typed from a colleague, and emailed to dozens of people around the office. And, to drive this point to an extreme, do you, a rising star or currently brilliant one, want your male peers to consider you the "office girl" - while they remain the "company men?" For the men who consistently introduce us as colleagues, team members, and equals, Bravo!

As we plunge into the formalities of language, research has identified specific mechanisms, or registers, which we use to speak with other people. I had the pleasure many years ago of participating in Dr. Ruby Payne's Framework of Poverty training program and was hooked. The information linked to language structure, working with sensitive populations, and being effective for building relationships was right up my alley. Take a spin as we discuss language registers and how we use these frames to drive our word choices.

Casual Register is as its name infers. We are usually comfortable with this register among our friends and informal relationships. Word choices include slang, generic sentence structure, and the words drive home our intentions with little effort. As you pass by a group of friends, or overhear a friendly and lively conversation, most likely you are witnessing Casual Register. We don't mind interrupting and are rarely concerned with making a good impression. We're equals here.

A conversation, in which we hear advice, expert input, and the like, is operating within a Consultative Register. The use of titles, Dr., Mrs., Sir, and so forth, clearly indicate that this register drives the word choice and the intention of the communication. I go so far as to suggest that this book is consultative in nature. A little advice and a mound of expert research, topped with drizzles of experience, are primary ingredients for this book. I also deduce this register drives the work I do and the passions within me as a consultant, colleague, friend, and most importantly, mom. Never at a loss for words or without at least a smidgen of advice, this is what the "theys" of the world say about yours truly. Perhaps you are the same; while ever so slightly nodding your head up and down in agreement while reading this.

Formal Register, on the other hand, requires us to skip the slang and operate using complete sentences with explicit word choices of a higher mental operational platform. Contractions, poor grammar, and jumbled sentence structure are overtly absent from this language. For both the written word and spoken word, formal language is usually the standard at the professional workplace. A smart professional either: 1. Knows and operates from this, or 2. Is now aware of this and will start Monday armed with a shift in the delivery of information through powerful and purposed speech and text to drive her message.

From the most acceptable work-related register, we jump now to the dark side. Intimate Language. You can guess based on name alone that this register refers to words communicated between lovers or those involved in ultra-personal, and, at times, sexual relationships. We, as particularly savvy and perceptive women, quickly identify this with this register; often through inappropriate word choices, sexual jokes, and conversations that make most of us blush or cringe. I offer my sage advice to avoid or limit this type of communication, especially in the workplace. A little off-the-record salty conversation with a close friend may be acceptable, but for the most part, steer clear of being known as the Director of Sexual Anything. Behind your back, little good can come of engaging with this type of communication.

Finally, Frozen Register is one we have practiced since childhood. Remember Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star or Patty Cake, Patty Cake? How about proudly belting out God Bless America at your last Memorial Day picnic? I easily can recall and recite the Lord's Prayer as it was a part of my parochial elementary school routine. "Frozen" in time regardless of trends, audiences, and content, we have operated from this register a long time. For example, the Pledge of Allegiance and specific Bible verses remain constant regardless of geography, culture, or social environments. You were grateful for this register if you changed schools often and wanted to fit in during the morning routine as the new kid. Can you imagine the verses of The Pledge of Allegiance edited based on whim or geography; or an edited oath making us question its lawfulness in a courtroom?

As you grow and develop yourself as a professional, remember that you are the Board Chair, not the Board Chairman, and will move mountains! While this is not a book about gender disparities, gross injustices, and inequalities, recognize that gender dynamics are a part of how we verbally and non-verbally communicate every day. Therefore, continue to invest in the development of your language, enrich your vocabulary (perhaps through a "word a day" app on your phone), value the meaning of your choice of words, and master the spoken and written word. But, moreover, invest in the influential language of our bodies in that this powerful way of communicating could and should be part of the 100% you!

Speaking of powerful ways we communicate, I want to [bleep] the [bleep] regarding his [bleep] every time we work on a [beeping] project. I didn't need to actually write the swear words because you know the power of inference....