CHAPTER 1

Heart of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is the final form of love.

—Rheinhold Niebuhr

It may be difficult to define forgiveness, but it is almost impossible to definelove. We bandy the word about, sometimes using it to express our deepestemotion, sometimes using it lightly. A mother may say to her baby, "I love you."In the heat of a romantic tryst you whisper, "I love you." You receive a sweaterfor a gift and exclaim, "I love it!" The words are the same, but the meaning isdifferent. What do you mean by love?

Practice: Exploring Love

Take a piece of paper and a pencil, and draw two columns. In the left column,list all the things (not people) you love. Keep going until nothing else occursto you. In the second column, list the things you love the least.

• Can you find any similarities between the two lists?

• Why do you love one thing and not another?

In doing this exercise, you might discover that the items are just "things."What makes us love one thing and hate another is simply personal preference. Youmay love hard rock music and hate rap. I may love rap and hate hard rock. Thereis nothing especially lovable about either. So our love is conditional.

Love is also changeable. As time goes by, you may tire of rock and prefer goldenoldies. If you become deaf, you may not love music at all.

A while ago, my sister and I were reminiscing and rooted out family photographalbums. As we turned the pages, we began to laugh at the clothes we had chosento wear when we were teenagers: Lorraine in her black Capri pants, fuzzysweater, and dangling earrings; me in a madras wrap-around skirt with round-collaredblouse and circle pin. In those days, we had each thought we were theepitome of style. But over the years, our tastes had changed; we had outgrownour outfits—in more ways than one! So when we say we love something, it is notabsolute.

Turn the paper over and make two new columns. Begin to list the names of peopleyou love. Keep going as long as names pop up, but when you have to search yourmemory, stop. In the second column list the people you love the least (dislike,hate) until you run out of names.

Now ask yourself these questions, first about the people in column one, then incolumn two.

• If you borrowed money from me and never paid it back, would I forgive you?

• If you belittled me in front of my friends, would I forgive you?

• If you physically harmed me, would I forgive you?

• If you lied to me, would I forgive you?

* * *

Were you more likely to forgive those you love, or those you hate? Generally, weare more willing to forgive the people we love and who love us in return. Butthat love is conditional as well. You may have listed your husband, but if hedivorced you, would you still love him enough to forgive him? I know two men whohad been bitter rivals at work and competed against each other in sports—theywere enemies, but eventually they became life-Partners. Sometimes we outgrow ourtolerance just as we outgrow our clothes and what is a lover's endearing traitone day becomes a grating character defect the next.

We tend to love people who meet our expectations and fulfill our desires. If aperson doesn't match up with an ideal in our minds, we dismiss her or activelyhate her. If the harm occurs often enough, she moves into the unloved column.

A long time ago, when I was a neophyte meditator, I became enthralled with theidea of becoming enlightened. I went to many retreats, read classic Buddhisttexts and found a teacher. My thirst for enlightenment burgeoned into greed. I"wanted" so much that I browbeat my teacher. I expected him to drop everythingand be available for me several times a week. I wanted him to give up his workand become a fulltime teacher. Of course, I could not make him do what I wantedand my emotions vacillated between love/deference and hatred/disrespect.Eventually, I left to practice on my own. After some years, I eased into mypractice and desire relaxed its grip on me. When I no longer wanted or expectedanything, things fell into place and I was ready to return to my teacher andgratefully accepted what was offered. I was able to love and respect him, nomatter what.

Here is what the Buddha said about loving-kindness:

As a mother would risk her life to protect her child, her only child, Even soshould one cultivate a boundless heart with regard to all beings.

The love we are talking about is unconditional love. It exists withoutdiscrimination. Race, creed, and ethnicity don't matter. We don't have to know aperson or like him or understand him. It is not a negotiation: "You do this forme and I will love you." It is all-embracing and accepting.

Love is an expression of the connection between all beings. The names, faces andcircumstances change, but at the core we are all one. Try this meditation toarouse the feeling of unconditional love and to radiate it to all beings.

Practice: Awakening Loving-Kindness

Quiet your mind by focusing on the feeling of your breath going in and out. Itmay be helpful to close your eyes. Begin by sending loving-kindness to yourself:

May I be safe from harm.May I be free from mental suffering.May I be free from physical suffering.May I live my life joyfully.

Repeat the phrases several times, and then visualize your family, friends, andcolleagues and send loving-kindness to them:

As I wish myself to be safe from harm, so I wish you to be safe.May you be free from mental suffering.May you be free from physical suffering.May you live your lives joyfully.

Extend the loving-kindness further, to those you don't know:

May all beings—those who I know, those who I've never met;those who are like me, those who differ in race, religion, ethnicity;those who have done good, those who have done ill—May you be safe from harm.May you be free from mental suffering.May you be free from physical suffering.May you live your lives joyfully.

Try to visualize all beings joined in a circle of mutual love and harmony, andhold the image for a few moments as you breathe in and out.

When we experience love in this way we can for give any harm.

What Is Harm?

Before we can forgive, we need to understand what needs to be forgiven. Thephrases we'll be working with begin with: "For all the harm ..." What is harm?

Some religions have commandments that tell us what to avoid. They are calledsins. Each nation has a list of things that are illegal. They are called crimes.Each municipality has traffic conventions. They are called regulations. Almostevery group has guidelines for members. They are called rules. Families agree onappropriate behavior. They may be called boundaries.

We try to live in community without stepping on one another's toes. Keepingtrack of all the sins, crimes, regulations, rules, and boundaries can over...