PEARL NUMBER ONE

A FEW THOUGHTS ABOUT RESILIENCE

You may have heard it said, "When your time is up, it's up."

Conversely, if we are meant to be here on earth, we will be protected in ways that make it so. Throughout the years, while healing personal and others' trauma, I have learned to lean into faith while appreciating how fragile and resilient we are as a species. No matter what pain is suffered at the hands of another or through circumstances beyond our control, we have the marvelous ability to heal. In most situations we can survive the most unimaginable losses, and many of us will even learn to thrive as life is embraced once again.

On May 26, 1999, I was conducting a Training Academy with new trainees for our Trauma Intervention Program of Merrimack Valley, Inc. (TIP). The topic was resilience. During a break, while scanning our local community newspaper, Lawrence Eagle-Tribune, I came across an effective although somewhat dramatic article to help make a point to my prospective volunteers. The eye-catching headline was "Baby Survives Birth in Train Toilet, Fall on Tracks."

A newborn boy survived a fall through the toilet of a Chinese express train, escaping with only cuts and bruises after tumbling onto the rails, state media reported.

The boy's mother, Yang Zhu, was nine months pregnant and going home by train on May 4 when she began to suffer stomach pains, the Xinhua News Agency said in a report late Sunday.

Her husband took her to the washroom where, "to her great surprise," she gave birth to her first child into the toilet "as soon as she squatted down," Xinhua said.

"The panic-stricken and screaming Yang ripped off the umbilical cord with her hands, and the baby immediately slipped down through the toilet and fell onto the rails," the agency said.

Three security guards patrolling outside the southeastern city of Guangzhou spotted the baby, covered in blood and lying in the middle of the tracks, Xinhua said. But before they could reach him, another train sped by right over the baby.

The guards took the 5-pound, 15-ounce baby to a hospital, where he only had slight bruises and a small cut to the head that required three stitches.

After reading the story, the trainees' incredulous expression matched my own when I initially read it. Two decades later, the story continues to make the point about resiliency in our academy.

Personally and professionally, in the midst of great grief and pain, one of the most useful strategies I can offer is the ability to envision the resiliency and adaptability of those I am helping. When working with clients, neighbors, friends, or loved ones who are dealing with an acute crisis, the helper bears witness to the individual's ground zero. The struggle may involve the death of a loved one due to heart attack, stroke, overdose, suicide, motor vehicle accident, cancer, or chronic illness, or total loss due to a devastating house fire or domestic crisis. In my private practice setting, clients will also present with symptoms of anxiety or depression due to long-standing mental health or medical conditions. Situational crises such as a divorce, relationship changes, financial stressors, terminal diagnoses, addictions, job termination, and concerns regarding children are all powerful motivators for seeking help. While bearing witness and empathizing with clients, helpers may experience a dose of the pain as well (vicarious traumatization). This happens when we either drop down into the painful grief pit with them or offer a lifeline to help them climb out.

Conceptualizing resilience, even in the worst circumstances, aids in emotionally protecting both the helper and the person in need. Imagining my clients in a future state of being healed and capable of coping in healthy ways gives me the strength to hold their intense emotional affect in the crisis moment. Being fully present and grounded in my senses while gazing into the eyes of a parent who just lost a child, or a child who just buried a parent, I envision resilience and visualize he or she coming out the other side of the tunnel toward greater well-being. With appropriate support and guidance, most clients will find peace and, for many, joy in their lives as they grow forward through the dark days of pain, grief, and loss. Many will mend far past surviving and begin to thrive in their future lives. And for those victim advocates who come to offer help, the most effective will possess a passion for healing others, which is often rooted in agonizing personal circumstances.

I have no illusions. When we lose a loved one, life is never the same. The grievers have the monumental task of learning how to live without their beloved for the remainder of their days. Most people are capable, some more than others. How is that possible? I believe in a number of likely variables that help determine the outcome when healing emotional trauma. The individual has the:

• innate desire for change

• inner strength that comes from past challenge management

• supportive resources (access to knowledge and helpful people)

• attitude of tenacity and persistence

• faith in a higher power

• hope that goodness will prevail

• willingness to evaluate and revise — shifting from Plan A to Plan B as needed (resiliency and f lexibility)

• sense of humor about self, others, and circumstances

• presence of positive role models (good therapists are in this category)

• absence of addictions to numb and/or avoid pain

• ability to accept and manage mental and/or physical limitations

• desire for a hopeful future

• ability to seek knowledge about wellness attainment

• ability to find purpose or meaning in the loss (this may take decades)

• option to choose love over anger or bitterness

• ability to empathize by seeing the situation from another person's perspective

• attitude of...