CHAPTER 1
The Climate Is Changing!
The Climate Is Changing!
Man, this global warming is cool! Conferences aroundthe world in five-star hotels, gourmet meals, spamassages, and lavish parties where we bemoan thethreat of a changing climate and form committees todiscuss solutions. It's a threat (which the Republicans,of course, deny) that we must spare no tax dollar tocombat. Whatever the cost, the price of not taking actionis higher—sinking coastlines, drowning polar bears, etc.
Although so far—with all the regulations, warnings,and billions spent at international meetings year afteryear on finding ways to stop it—the climate continues togo its own way.
Which only means we have to spend more, meetharder. Last year we got together in Geneva—greatcrème brûlée—how about Vienna next?
Mmmmm ... can't wait for that linzer torte.
If you don't want to arouse green suspicions, bestnot confront them head-on with the information that theclimate has been changing for trillions of years. Sometimesit's cold, sometimes it's warm. People and other creatureshave adapted. They've gone in for lighter clothes or heavierbear skins, and sometimes nothing at all—which has alsoaffected the temperature. And that was well before theinvention of the internal combustion engine.
Look, if you've made a career of fighting climatechange, you don't want to hear that a lot of people mightlike the idea of being warmer. No more digging out ofthe driveway all winter. Lower heating bills. Extra monthsof tennis.
Today, in fact, in the northern regions of our planet,once frozen ground has thawed, turning into fertile soilthat produces much-needed crops. And ice-blockedwaterways have opened to navigation to the delight ofthe frozen people there. There has been a stampede toGreenland by foreign governments seeking the mineralsnow accessible in the thawing earth.
Chicago has faced the problem by quietly preparingfor global warming, rather than fighting it. Futurebuilding plans will build for a warmer climate. A BostonGlobe article that has mysteriously disappeared from thefiles reports that many climate change experts believethat the best solution is to adapt rather than confiscateeverybody's automobile. Wear lighter clothing, plantshade trees, and try tinted windows.
But that isn't what you say to people who are planningtheir next climate change meeting in Bermuda—ormaking a fortune from it, like Al Gore, who changed hiseconomic bracket to the 1 percent by writing books andmovies, speaking to the faithful, and being the celebritysitting on the boards of companies like Apple. There'sour answer. Do an Al Jazeera Gore.
Since we can't stop the liberals from pouring our taxdollars into stopping global warming, which is going tohappen no matter what they do, let's profit from it. Checkinto companies that make climate change equipment,especially those on the Democrats' donors list. Find outwhat Nancy Pelosi is buying.
Is she big on Tommy Bahama?
Or some unknown OTC company digging inGreenland?
Go to it.
Might as well be a rich closet conservative.
CHAPTER 2
Same-Sex Marriage
No Issue
"Who was that lady I saw you dancing with lastnight?"
"That was no lady. That was my partner in his newchemise."
You may think weird, but if you want to be accepted inour liberal world, you say, "Gorgeous. I think I'll pickone up for my partner."
That just might put you on the fast track.
In case you're thinking that gay marriage is not what mostpeople want, since most voters have rejected it, don'teven bring it up. You will get looks. And fewer lunchinvitations. In California a judge threw out the results ofthe vote. What gives them the right to do that? But in the2012 election, several states voted for gay marriage aswell as for Obama. Could it be that people are sick andtired of the issue, and they figure the only way to stophearing about it is to vote for it already?
Or has someone been putting something in ourdrinking water?
CHAPTER 3
It's Israel's Fault
If Only Israelis Weren't Jews, Their SuccessMight Not Be So Hard to Accept
Anyone who reads the New York Times knows that Israelregularly kills innocent children because the Palestinianmissile launchers are next to sandboxes. And Israel buildsfences and makes Palestinians wait in long lines just tomake it difficult for the occasional suicide bomber.
If you are going to pass as a liberal, you will have torestrain yourself when your friends denounce the onlydemocracy in the Middle East—a democracy whoseMuslim citizens actually have greater freedom than thosein Muslim countries. It's part of the Jewish plot, of course,to undermine Muslim values.
And don't even mention the only water in the MiddleEast you can drink without fear.
And schools that teach girls.
And you certainly don't point out that the Jewishstate has more PhDs per capita than any other nation inthe world.
Or that it is a center of technology.
And pharmaceuticals.
And exports some pretty cool shoes.
And looking at Jewish girls with PhDs in bikinis on TelAviv beaches is more fun than ogling burkas.
And then you add casually that those bikinis are madein Israel. And wouldn't it be nice if Hamas converted itsmissile factory into a shop making Fatah's Fashions? Andstarted a trade war.
(What about Jihad Briefs? Shorts with a pouch forexplosives in dynamite colors.)
CHAPTER 4
Demand That the UN BanOffensive Humor
Two Palestinian women were sitting in a cafe, showingpictures of their children. "This is my oldest son, Fatah,"one said proudly. "He became a martyr when he waseighteen." The other woman nodded approvingly. "Andthis is my daughter, Nadia. She's a martyr too." Themother beamed as she showed the last picture. "Myson, Hasad. A martyr." The other woman thought for amoment and said, "They blow up so fast, don't they?"
You'd better not have acrophobia if you're going to passas a liberal because you'll be doing a lot of looking down.Down at Republicans. Down at people who go to church.Down at people who read the New York Post. Down atviewers of Fox News. Down at red staters.
Liberals know that conservatives don't go to theopera, ballet or theater. They go bowling. They haven'ta clue where to find the Metropolitan Museum of Art.They watch television in their undershirts while guzzlinga calorie-filled beverage from a can. If they look at anewspaper, they go straight to the sports section. Orthe girls in bikinis with big boobs. They've never heard ofNPR. They listen to Rush in their pickup trucks or in theirunderwear at the dinette table. They own guns.
The only time a liberal looks up to them is when theychange their flat tire on the expressway, or risk their livesto rescue people trapped in the World Trade Center.
If you get caught listening to Rush, you quickly sayyou were trying to get NPR. Reception problems.
And if you want to relay some information you heardon Rush that those liberal dunderheads will hear nowhereelse, you use the usual preface: "I don't know where Iheard this but ... they say Obama is gay."
Or, "Would you believe my plumber swears thatObama is a Muslim because...
