THE PASTOR'S ROLE

"I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly" (John 10:10b).

Pastors help people experience the abundant life Jesus promised by fostering their spiritual growth. This involves both proclaiming the good news of God's redeeming love and helping persons discern and fulfill God's will for their lives. In your marriage preparation ministry, you seek to help couples "form a bond that honors the uniqueness of each other while weaving a common future together with God." Because you also uphold values and principles that you believe reflect God's purposes for humankind, you may sometimes find yourself in ambiguous situations. For example, when confronted with a decision about whether to marry a particular couple, you will need to balance concerns about their readiness for marriage with the desire to offer them the resources of the gospel and the church at this critical point in their lives.

The Pastor as Counselor

In general, pastors in the counseling role bring the gospel to persons through ministries of guiding, healing, sustaining, and reconciling. Marriage preparation may be considered primarily a ministry of guiding, because it not only provides education and instruction, but also helps persons make decisions and plan for their future in the most constructive manner possible. Pastors help engaged couples face realistically the many adjustments they will need to make (Chapter 3), and consider the implications of a Christian understanding of marriage (Chapter 2).

Marriage preparation may also involve the ministry of healing, helping individuals overcome hurt and brokenness in their lives in order to become whole persons. During your work with engaged couples, pain from previous relationships or from family of origin experiences may surface, allowing you the opportunity to affirm God's grace, support the healing process, and encourage more extensive counseling or follow-up as seems appropriate.

The pastoral-care function of sustaining involves supporting or strengthening persons to cope with situations or conditions that cannot be changed. An individual may need help accepting and adjusting to a handicap or limitation, his or her own or the partner's. One or both persons may need support through a brief period of uncertainty or in facing deeper fears.

The reconciling function of pastoral care involves helping couples face their conflicts and reconcile any broken aspects of their relationship with each other and with God. It is important not to gloss over any difficulties couples may be experiencing, but to face them realistically and with understanding love. A premarital inventory surfaces issues that a couple is likely to struggle with in the future. You may be able to help them deal with these issues during the engagement period. Although the readiness of couples to recognize and deal with differences varies greatly, you will at least want to acknowledge the inevitability of conflict in an intimate relationship.

Personally you need to be honest about the limits of your ability and training. For instance, when the need for extensive psychotherapy is indicated, you respond as a counseling pastor to the extent that you are able. But beyond that limit, you refer persons to a competent professional therapist. Such referrals do not discredit your unique gifts and your training, but do reflect a realistic understanding of your own expertise.

Expectations and Perceptions

Because you are a pastor, couples are likely to come to your marriage preparation sessions with certain preconceived expectations. They may look up to you with trust and confidence in your willingness and ability to help. Some may expect you to serve as an authority figure and tell them what they should do. Others will strongly resist any kind of help or advice. Because a minister is often regarded as the protector of the community's moral standards, some may expect you to be judgmental. For example, you might be the last one to learn about a premarital pregnancy, and some people may be reluctant to talk with you about their sexual feelings or experiences. Take a few moments to reflect on the following questions:

How do you want to be perceived by those who come to you for marriage preparation?

What messages do you send through your sermons, leadership style, and general behavior, and how do those messages shape people's expectations of you?

Most ministers conduct premarital counseling sessions in the church building, perhaps in the pastor's study or other comfortable room. In smaller churches, such sessions may be held in the parsonage. In addition to concerns for privacy, the pastor should consider what the setting symbolizes to the couple. Persons who conceive of God as loving and forgiving will respond positively to meeting in the church. Those who believe in God as a tyrannical judge are more likely to feel uncomfortable, at least initially or until firsthand experience with a warm, caring pastor changes his or her mind.

What messages does your counseling setting convey to those who come to talk with you?

What changes in seating arrangement or decor could create a more hospitable atmosphere?

Sometimes you will experience conflict between your pastoral and your administrative roles. For example, while counseling with a woman who works with your youth group, you may discover that she is already living with her fiance. How will this knowledge affect your feelings about her as a role model for the young people in your church? How can you address that concern without alienating her in the counseling relationship?

What messages do your administrative decisions and your leadership style convey about your beliefs and about God's redeeming love?

Christian Community

The church is a special kind of community—one that cares about what happens to persons and participates in their celebrations and in their crises. You can find within your congregation valuable resources for helping couples prepare for marriage. Invite those with expertise in counseling, teaching, and organizing to serve on your marriage and family ministries team. Couples with healthy, growing marriages can serve as mentor couples (Chapter 8).

Utilizing mentor couples and/or working with couples in group settings (Chapter 9) will help you provide more extensive marriage preparation than you can possibly offer in private counseling sessions. By using mentor couples and groups, you can more efficiently meet the requirements of a...