Shortly after Alysa Cummings was diagnosed with breast cancer, she sat down at her laptop computer and began keeping a journal. Over the two years of her cancer treatment, Alysa continued writing as she moved through the healthcare delivery system:

Greetings from CancerLand

Writing the Journey to RecoveryBy Alysa Cummings

iUniverse, Inc.

Copyright © 2012 Alysa Cummings
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4759-0987-6

Contents

Introduction...................................................................................ixForeword.......................................................................................xiFrom the Medical Record........................................................................3Boris..........................................................................................4In the Name of Pinkness........................................................................6Dear Doctor,...................................................................................11This Breast Surgeon............................................................................13Diagnosis......................................................................................14CancerLand.....................................................................................15The Power of the Pink Ribbon...................................................................17Seeing Red.....................................................................................19To Hell & Back.................................................................................22Walking the Green Mile.........................................................................28Drain Rhymes with Pain.........................................................................29Questions about Chemo..........................................................................32Magical Thinking...............................................................................34Cancer Cat.....................................................................................39Survivor's Guide to Post-Operative Body Image..................................................43Cancer Scripts.................................................................................44Symmetry in the Blue Dress.....................................................................47Not Helpful....................................................................................48A CancerLand Holiday Wishlist ... or Please Help Me Get Through the Season.....................51Six Month Check-up.............................................................................54Radiation Crazy Time...........................................................................55Complications..................................................................................58That Lucky Guy.................................................................................66Breast Cancer Support Meeting Tonight & Refreshments Will Be Served............................69Deleterious Mutation...........................................................................72This is a Test.................................................................................76Lowest Point...................................................................................80Call Your Nurse................................................................................82CancerLand in the First Person.................................................................86Plastic Surgeon Photo Shoot....................................................................88Reconstruction.................................................................................91Revision.......................................................................................92Me and My Vampire..............................................................................95Impatient Patient..............................................................................99Dancing with NED...............................................................................103Donations Gratefully Accepted..................................................................104The Last Noel..................................................................................106A Few Words for the Graduates..................................................................109It's Not About the Jigsaw Puzzle...............................................................112Spirit of Spring...............................................................................115Weeds..........................................................................................117To Answer Your Question: Why I Take Pictures of Flowers........................................120Chemo Brain Meets the Inscrutable Relational Database..........................................121Tutor and Student..............................................................................123Yearly Check-up................................................................................125Something Good.................................................................................128Splendidly Imperfect 50/50.....................................................................132One Good Thing About My Yearly Mammogram.......................................................136Sometimes I Almost Forget......................................................................137The Box........................................................................................139Acknowledgments................................................................................141

Chapter One

You are Here

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Even when you thought you were climbing you had already arrived. —Erica Jong, "You Are There"

From the Medical Record

As you recall, she is a 45 year old perimenopausal white female who noted a palpable density in her right breast several weeks ago. Left breast was mammographically unremarkable. There is no family history of breast or ovarian neoplasia. She is single and has no children. Appears her stated age. She is alert and comfortable, in no apparent distress. Vital signs are stable. Thank you for allowing me to participate in the care of this most delightful patient.

Boris

His name is Boris. He is trying to kill me. I won't let him.

And so my CancerLand journal began: with three short sentences, a stream of words that had been swirling around in my head for days. Days that otherwise had been spent in and around the health care delivery system visiting assorted doctors (gynecologist, radiologist, breast surgeon, oncologist) for painful tests followed by frightening results. I remember endless crying jags and repeat phone calls to my insurance company. In my bedroom at night I would stand in front of my full length mirror, my shirt hiked up high on one side, and stare at my upper body—shocked and wide eyed, hypnotized by my reflection, all the while muttering to myself, "so this is what cancer looks like. So this is what cancer feels like."

His name is Boris. He is trying to kill me ... I repeated these words under my breath like a prayer, my very own disease mantra. Call it the ravings of the recently diagnosed, but the words helped me focus—on the next decision, the next appointment, the next step on the path. The words also kept me slightly sane, all things considered; imagine talking yourself down from the ledge. The words begged to be tapped out on a keyboard, so I followed the urge, liked how it made me feel in the moment and then just kept typing.

I hate Boris. Boris has been lurking in my chest for ten years possibly, hiding, madly multiplying, growing, only now choosing to make his obnoxious presence felt.

Who was Boris? (Yes, I confess that I named my...