Have a Good Laugh

KTAV Publishing House, Inc.

Contents

Introduction.................................................xviiChapter One Israel..........................................3Chapter Two Theology and God................................19Chapter Three Family........................................31Chapter Four The Bible......................................53Chapter Five Rabbis.........................................63Chapter Six Humor from Chelm................................107Chapter Seven Potpourri of Jewish Humor.....................119

Chapter One

The Land of Israel is the birthplace of the Jewish people. Here the spiritual, political, and religious identity of the people was shaped. Ancient Israel also created the cultural values of national and universal significance that gave rise to the Bible. Few countries have as many special attractions per square mile as Israel. When one adds the depth of feeling for the country shared by Jews around the world, its unique appeal becomes more obvious. This chapter will present some jokes about Israel, the land, and its people.

* * *

The Unexpected Delivery

Moshe, the owner of a small Kosher New York deli, was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

'Why don't people leave me alone?' the deli owner said. 'I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed for Jewish Holidays and Shabbat. And you want to know how I made $80,000?'

'It's not your income that bothers us,' the agent said. 'It's these travel deductions. You listed ten trips to Israel for you and your wife.'

'Oh, that?' the owner said smiling. 'Well ... We also deliver.'

* * *

The Taxi

An American tourist was riding in a taxi in Israel. As the taxi approached a red light, the tourist was shocked to see the driver drive straight through without even slowing down. Surprised as he was, he didn't say anything, feeling himself a guest and not wanting to make waves.

The trip continued without event until the next intersection. This time the light was green, and, to the American's dismay, the cab driver brought the vehicle to a grinding halt.

Unable to contain his astonishment, he turns to the driver. "Listen," he says, "when you went through the red light, I didn't say anything. But why on earth are you stopping at a green tight?"

The Israeli driver looks at the American as if he is deranged. "Are you crazy?" he shouts. "The other guy has a red light. Do you want to get us killed?"

* * *

The Three Hunters

Three hunters are out on safari-an American, a Brit, and an Israeli. They are captured by cannibals who start getting the cooking pots ready. The cannibal chief tells the hunters that they can have one last wish,

"What's your request?" he asks the American.

"I'd like steak," he replies.

So the cannibals kill a zebra and serve the American his steak.

* * *

"What do you want?" the cannibal asks the Brit.

"I'd like to smoke my pipe," which they let him do.

Then the chief asks the Israeli, "What's your last wish?"

"I want you to kick my rear end."

"Be serious," says the top cannibal.

"C'mon, you promised," says the Israel.

"Oh, all right," says the chief, who delivers the requested kick.

Whereupon the Israeli pulls out a gun, shoots the chief, and a few other cannibals while the rest run away.

The American and the Brit are furious.

"Why didn't you do that in the first place, so we wouldn't have to go through all this?" they demand.

Replies the Israeli, "What? Are you mad? The UN would have condemned me as the aggressor."

* * *

Jerusalem Jaywalking

The jaywalking problem in New York City reminded me of a time when my husband and I were on a visit to Jerusalem. As we waited patiently at a busy intersection for the "walk" signal, a young man sped across the street against the light. An elderly gentleman waiting with us turned and said sadly, "Two thousand years he's waiting for the Messiah, and he can't wait for a light."

* * *

Airplane Announcement

An El Al flight is about to take off. Over the intercom the passengers hear: "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard. Your hostesses are Mrs. Sarah Klein, Mrs. Miriam Stern, and Mrs. Esther Kling. Now let me introduce you to my son the pilot."

* * *

Man and Wile

An Israeli mayor in a small town is walking past a construction site with his wife. One of the construction workers stops and call out to the woman. "What's new Sara?"

"Why, it's nice to see you again, Avi," the woman replies. She turns to introduce her husband to the construction worker, and they speak for several minutes.

After the mayor and his wife continue on, he turns to his wife to ask how she knows him.

"Oh," she said. "We went together in high school. I even thought about marrying him."

The husband began to laugh. "You don't realize how lucky you are. If I hadn't come along today, you would be the wife of a construction worker."

The wife replied without hesitation: "Not really. If I had married him, he'd now be a mayor."

* * *

Airliner Laugh

The captain of a Syrian airliner announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174. We have an emergency. We have lost an engine and want to land at any airport in the Middle East other than Israel."

No answer.

A short while later, things get worse, "This is Syrian Airliner 174 again. We have lost two engines and ask permission to land at any airport in the Mideast other than Israel."

Again, no answer from anyone.

A little later the pilot in desperation says, "This is Syrian Airliner 174. We are in need of help. We have lost three engines and need permission to land at any airport in the Mideast other than Israel."

Still no answer from anyone.

Finally, the Captain calls "help." This is Syrian Airliner 174, we have only one engine left, and it is rapidly failing. Unless we can land, we are going to crash. We need permission to land at any airport in the Mideast, including Israel."

Shortly thereafter, a voice is heard in the Syrian airline cockpit: "This is Tel Aviv airport calling Syrian Airliner 174. We would like to help."

"God bless you," said the Syrian pilot. "What should we do?"

Responded Tel Aviv airport, "Repeat after me: Yisgadal ve-yisgadash ..." (first Hebrew words of Jewish Mourner's Prayer).

* * *

The Thousand-Dollar Bet

The local bar in Jerusalem was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing one-thousand-dollar bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. People of many professions tried it over time, but nobody was successful.

One day this scrawny Jewish man came into the bar with thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter subsided, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the Jewish man.

But the crowd's laughter soon turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops felt into the glass! As the crowd now cheered, the bartender paid the one thousand dollars, and asked the little Jewish man: "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack or a weightlifter?"

The Jewish guy replied: "I work for the Jewish National Fund."

* * *

What's the Time?

An Israeli was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a brand new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's "maxeem" (extraordinary).

"Really," asked the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

* * *

Captured Israelis

Eight Arabs were about to shoot two captured Israelis. One of the Israelis said to the other, "I think I'm going to be asked to be blindfolded."

The other said, "Look, Shmuel, don't make trouble."

* * *

The Pope Visits the Holy Land

A picture of an Israeli newspaper, during the Pope's visit in 1964, showed the Pope with the President of Israel. The caption greatly helped the mystified readers: "The Pope is the one wearing a yarmulke" (skull cap).

* * *

The Shouting Israeli

On the border, on top of a hill, there is an Israeli guard. On the other side is an Arab guard. All day long, the Israeli keeps shouting, "Ten, ten, ten, ten."

This very much annoys the Arab, who finally shouts at him, "Crazy Jew, why do you keep shouting ten all day. There's nobody around here. Ten what?"

The Israeli says, "If you really want to know, come here and I will show you. There, now took over the cliff."

He kicks the Arab over the cliff, clears his throat, and starts yelling, "Eleven, eleven, eleven."

* * *

Lenin's Bust

An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union to immigrate to Israel. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin. Customs: "What is that?"

Old Man: "What is that? Don't say 'What is that?' Say, 'Who is that?' That is Lenin. The genius who thought up this worker's paradise."

The official laughed and let the old man through. The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin.

Customs: "What is that?"

Old Man: "What is that? Don't say, 'What is that?' Say, 'Who is that?' That is Lenin. That S.O.B. I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home."

The official laughed and let him through. When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem his grandson saw him unpack the bust.

Grandson: "Who is that?"

Old Man: "Who is that?! Don't say, 'Who is that?' Say, 'What is that?' That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!"

* * *

Where to Be Buried

A good old American Jew felt that death is close and asked his sons to take him to the Holy Land, to die there and be buried in Jerusalem. The loving sons did as he asked, brought him to Jerusalem, and put him in a hospital, and waited for death to come. However, once in Jerusalem the old man felt better and better and in some weeks was again strong, healthy, and full of life. He called upon his sons and told them: "Take me quickly back to the United States."

The sons were somewhat disappointed and asked, "Father, how come? You said you wanted to die in the Holy Land and be buried in Jerusalem."

"Yes," answered the father, "to die-it's okay, but to live here?"

* * *

Actual Personals That Appeared in Israeli Papers

Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan. Write POB 74.

Yeshivah bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman.

Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching (complaining) and krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK. POB 64.

Attractive Jewish woman, 35, cortege graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house. POB 46.

Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shut with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build sukkah together, attend brisses (circumcisions), bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658.

Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB 78.

Female graduate student, studying kabbalah (Jewish mysticism), Zohar, exorcism of dybuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. POB 56.

Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis (ritual fringes), seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435.

Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, Havdalah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks nonsmoker. POB 787.

Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. POB 555.

Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43. 80-year old bubby (grandma), no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I. POB 545.

I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. POB 86.

Jewish male, 34, very successful, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53.

* * *

Flying Riddle

Q. Did you hear that El Al and Al Italia are merging?

A. Oh, yeah. They're going to call it "Vel I Tell Ya."

* * *

The Coca-Cola Salesman

A disappointed salesman of Coca-Co[a returns from his assignment in Israel A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Israelis?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch in rural areas. But I had a problem. I didn't know how to speak Hebrew. So I planned to convey the message through three posters."

First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand-totally exhausted and fainting.

Second poster: Man is drinking our cola.

Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed.

Then these posters were pasted all over the place.

"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied: "What I didn't realize was that the Jews read from right to left."

* * *

The Negotiations

At the height of the Intifada, the Israelis and the Arabs realized that if they continued, they would someday end up destroying the world. So they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with a dogfight.

The negotiators each agreed that each country would take five years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its country the right to rule the world. The losing side would lay down its arms.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected on[y the biggest, strongest puppies and fed the lone dog all the milk. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine until, after five years were up, they had a dog that needed iron prison bars on his cage. On[y the trainers could handle this beast.

When the day of the big fight arrived, the Israeli showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Israelis. No one else thought this weird animal stood a chance against the growling beast in the Arab camp. The bookies predicted the Arabs would win in less than a minute.

The cages were opened. The Dachshund waddled toward the center of the ring. The Arab dog leapt from his cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he got within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast in one bite. There was nothing left but a small bit of fur from the killer dog's tail.

The Arabs approached the Israelis, shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand. Our top scientists and breeders worked for five years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans and Rottweilers. They developed a killing machine."

"Really?" the Israelis replied. "We had our top plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund!"

(Continues...)

Excerpted from Have a Good Laughby Ron Isaacs Copyright © 2009 by Ronald H. Isaacs. Excerpted by permission.
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