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Have a Good Laugh

Jokes for the Jewish SoulBy Ron Isaacs

KTAV Publishing House, Inc.

Copyright © 2009 Ronald H. Isaacs
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-60280-130-1

Contents

Introduction.................................................xviiChapter One Israel..........................................3Chapter Two Theology and God................................19Chapter Three Family........................................31Chapter Four The Bible......................................53Chapter Five Rabbis.........................................63Chapter Six Humor from Chelm................................107Chapter Seven Potpourri of Jewish Humor.....................119

Chapter One

Israel

The Land of Israel is the birthplace of the Jewish people. Here the spiritual, political, and religious identity of the people was shaped. Ancient Israel also created the cultural values of national and universal significance that gave rise to the Bible. Few countries have as many special attractions per square mile as Israel. When one adds the depth of feeling for the country shared by Jews around the world, its unique appeal becomes more obvious. This chapter will present some jokes about Israel, the land, and its people.

* * *

The Unexpected Delivery

Moshe, the owner of a small Kosher New York deli, was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

'Why don't people leave me alone?' the deli owner said. 'I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed for Jewish Holidays and Shabbat. And you want to know how I made $80,000?'

'It's not your income that bothers us,' the agent said. 'It's these travel deductions. You listed ten trips to Israel for you and your wife.'

'Oh, that?' the owner said smiling. 'Well ... We also deliver.'

* * *

The Taxi

An American tourist was riding in a taxi in Israel. As the taxi approached a red light, the tourist was shocked to see the driver drive straight through without even slowing down. Surprised as he was, he didn't say anything, feeling himself a guest and not wanting to make waves.

The trip continued without event until the next intersection. This time the light was green, and, to the American's dismay, the cab driver brought the vehicle to a grinding halt.

Unable to contain his astonishment, he turns to the driver. "Listen," he says, "when you went through the red light, I didn't say anything. But why on earth are you stopping at a green tight?"

The Israeli driver looks at the American as if he is deranged. "Are you crazy?" he shouts. "The other guy has a red light. Do you want to get us killed?"

* * *

The Three Hunters

Three hunters are out on safari-an American, a Brit, and an Israeli. They are captured by cannibals who start getting the cooking pots ready. The cannibal chief tells the hunters that they can have one last wish,

"What's your request?" he asks the American.

"I'd like steak," he replies.

So the cannibals kill a zebra and serve the American his steak.

* * *

"What do you want?" the cannibal asks the Brit.

"I'd like to smoke my pipe," which they let him do.

Then the chief asks the Israeli, "What's your last wish?"

"I want you to kick my rear end."

"Be serious," says the top cannibal.

"C'mon, you promised," says the Israel.

"Oh, all right," says the chief, who delivers the requested kick.

Whereupon the Israeli pulls out a gun, shoots the chief, and a few other cannibals while the rest run away.

The American and the Brit are furious.

"Why didn't you do that in the first place, so we wouldn't have to go through all this?" they demand.

Replies the Israeli, "What? Are you mad? The UN would have condemned me as the aggressor."

* * *

Jerusalem Jaywalking

The jaywalking problem in New York City reminded me of a time when my husband and I were on a visit to Jerusalem. As we waited patiently at a busy intersection for the "walk" signal, a young man sped across the street against the light. An elderly gentleman waiting with us turned and said sadly, "Two thousand years he's waiting for the Messiah, and he can't wait for a light."

* * *

Airplane Announcement

An El Al flight is about to take off. Over the intercom the passengers hear: "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard. Your hostesses are Mrs. Sarah Klein, Mrs. Miriam Stern, and Mrs. Esther Kling. Now let me introduce you to my son the pilot."

* * *

Man and Wile

An Israeli mayor in a small town is walking past a construction site with his wife. One of the construction workers stops and call out to the woman. "What's new Sara?"

"Why, it's nice to see you again, Avi," the woman replies. She turns to introduce her husband to the construction worker, and they speak for several minutes.

After the mayor and his wife continue on, he turns to his wife to ask how she knows him.

"Oh," she said. "We went together in high school. I even thought about marrying him."

The husband began to laugh. "You don't realize how lucky you are. If I hadn't come along today, you would be the wife of a construction worker."

The wife replied without hesitation: "Not really. If I had married him, he'd now be a mayor."

* * *

Airliner Laugh

The captain of a Syrian airliner announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174. We have an emergency. We have lost an engine and want to land at any airport in the Middle East other than Israel."

No answer.

A short while later, things get worse, "This is Syrian Airliner 174 again. We have lost two engines and ask permission to land at any airport in the Mideast other than Israel."

Again, no answer from anyone.

A little later the pilot in desperation says, "This is Syrian Airliner 174. We are in need of help. We have lost three engines and need permission to land at any airport in the Mideast other than Israel."

Still no answer from anyone.

Finally, the Captain calls "help." This is Syrian Airliner 174, we have only one engine left, and it is rapidly failing. Unless we can land, we are going to crash. We need permission to land at any airport in the Mideast, including Israel."

Shortly thereafter, a voice is heard in the Syrian airline cockpit: "This is Tel Aviv airport calling Syrian Airliner 174. We would like to help."

"God bless you," said the Syrian pilot. "What should we do?"

Responded Tel Aviv airport, "Repeat after me: Yisgadal ve-yisgadash ..." (first Hebrew words of Jewish Mourner's Prayer).

* * *

The Thousand-Dollar Bet

The local bar in Jerusalem was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing one-thousand-dollar bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. People of many professions tried it over time, but nobody was successful.

One day this scrawny Jewish man came into the...