This book is a observational essay on the perils of taking up a game that can be frustration in the least and cruel punishment to those expecting to be rewarded in their efforts to master it.

Golf is Flog Spelled Backwards

A Brief Essay of a Cruel GameBy H.W. Collier

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2009 H. W. Collier
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4389-6346-4

Contents

Introduction........................................................................3Chapter 1 Why the Hell Did I Ever Take Up this Game?...............................5Chapter 2 Having Fun While Being Kicked in the Balls...............................11Chapter 3 The Rules, Screw the Rules...............................................15Chapter 4 The Courses: Munis, Clubs, Resorts.......................................19Chapter 5 Equipment: Do You Really Need All This Crap?.............................23Chapter 6 Balls, No, Not Those, the Ones with Dimples..............................29Chapter 7 Playing the Game, Sort Of................................................33Chapter 8 When to Quit, Can I Go Home Now?.........................................35Chapter 9 Lessons, Practice, and Other Questionable Activities.....................39Chapter 10 Golf as Exercise, Don't Make Me Laugh....................................43Chapter 11 So You Suck, Nobody Cares, Have Fun......................................45Chapter 12 Final Thoughts...........................................................49

Chapter One

Why the Hell Did I Ever Take Up this Game?

If you are a good golfer or someone who wants to become a good golfer, this book is not for you. Put it DOWN now and buy something else. This book is for the beginning golfer or the golfer who has played for a few years and just can't seem to get the hang of it. If you fit either of these descriptions and are trying to decide if you should take up or continue the game, then I think the advice contained herein will be of benefit to you.

Like most people who take up the game, you probably thought golf would be fun. After all, millions of people play golf. It can be played nearly all your life long and by either sex. Golf courses are found on every continent except Antarctica, and no self respecting resort would be caught dead without one. It is an ancient game, with origins dating back to at least the 16th century. In fact, it is one of the oldest sports around today. It is always played on land that has been improved, and is frequently the prettiest park in the area. But you have or are about to discover golf's deepest secret. Golf is hard, cruel, unfair, and generally qualifies as treatment prohibited by civilized nations.

So why did you take up the game. There are usually four reasons why someone gets involved in the web of deceit and delusion called golf. First and foremost, you thought it would be fun. And it would be it was half way easy or could be learned with a modicum of instruction. Second, you thought it would be a good way to spend time with your spouse and family. Third, you thought it would be a good way to meet people and make contacts. Fourth, you father or mother wanted you to play. Let's take a look at each of these reasons and try to decide if any of them are compelling enough to cause us to take up or continue the game

First, you thought it would be fun. Like most people you work hard and want to enjoy your leisure time. The question you must answer is, "Do I want to spend my valuable leisure time playing golf?" Golf takes a lot of time. The average time required for 18 holes of golf on a weekend is about 4 1/2 hours. That does not include travel time to the course, range balls, practice green, etc. Golf is the "black hole" of leisure time, a conclusion verified by most spouses if not physicists. On the other hand, golf is not greatly longer than baseball, football, or poker games. So if you got the time, golf could be your game.

Second, golf can be a family activity, so even if it takes a long time to play, if you are with your family, then you are having fun and the time is well spent. The problem with this line of thinking is that very few families are composed of multiple golfers of equal skills. However, if you can get past the trials that go with herding your brood over hill and dale, widely varying skill levels, and the usual social dynamics of family life, then golf can be just about the best game around, and because it is well suited to players of all ages, the fun can last a long, long time.

Third, golf can be a way to meet people and make business contacts. If you have a business that requires frequent personalized face to face selling, golf can be a help. You get a client's more or less undivided attention for about 4 hours. You can demonstrate your skill, social grace, and general all around comradery to your client. One word of advice, never wager or beat your business associate by too much until you get to know them well.

Fourth, your parents made you do it. This is really a good reason to play golf. If you have a mother or father who was willing to take the time to show you a game which you can participate in for your lifetime, then it will probably be a good game for you, a mutual pleasure you can both enjoy and a way to bond with your parent/ parents. Unfortunately, golf can also be a source of family strife and great pain. Competition between parents and children can become an open wound, usually, that is not the case but it remains a hazard none the less.

Perhaps you took up the game for reasons not mentioned above. Whatever the reason, the real question to you is, should you continue. Ultimately, you will come to some conclusion either for or against the game. The purpose of this book is to help you make that decision. This book is written from the perspective of a duffer, namely, me. I have played golf for more than 50 years, spent thousands of dollars on equipment, lessons, literature, club dues, etc, and my handicap after all this time and effort is still a 14 and will probably not get any better.

Obliviously, I made the decision to continue playing the game. In retrospect, it was probably not the right decision and the whipping the game gives me most of the time gives rise to the title of this book. In any case, it's too late now and I shall continue to flail away at that 1.68 inch diameter white sphere until I can no longer drive myself to the course. That is not the situation with you. If you decide to go no farther in your quest to play this most frustrating of games, so much the better, put down this book and leave the bookstore none the worse for wear.

However, should you opt for taking up or continuing the game, read on. I shall do my best to help you play this exasperating yet fascinating game. But know this. You are not going to be the next great golfer to come on the scene. You are probably not even going to achieve a single digit handicap or even win your club championship. You are most likely going to end up being a duffer like me whose enthusiasm far exceeds their skill. Take heart, over 90% of the golfers are just like you.

Chapter Two

Having Fun While Being Kicked in the Balls

Most of the time you play, your score for a round of 18 will exceed 100 and breaking 90 becomes a worthy quest. Thus the title of this chapter. How do you have fun while being battered in your most sensitive of parts? (My apologies to the ladies who like Peggy Hill, do not have testicles but experience the pain of defeat every bit as acutely as their male counterparts.)

The founders of the game recognized from the start that not everyone who took up golf would be of the same skill level. Efforts to allow golfers of...