The Flight from INTIMACY

New World Library

Contents

Foreword by John Bradshaw.........................................................ixIntroduction......................................................................1PART ONE. THE FLIGHT FROM INTIMACY1. Counter-dependency: The Other Side of Co-dependency............................192. Understanding the Counter-dependent Stage of Development.......................493. Getting Stuck in Counter-dependency............................................654. The Disease Model of Relationships.............................................895. The Counter-dependent Culture..................................................111PART TWO. PATHWAYS TO INTIMACY6. The Elements of Breaking Free..................................................1377. Empathy: A Path to Intimacy....................................................1558. Boundary Setting...............................................................1699. Me and My Shadow: Reclaiming Projections.......................................18710. Self-parenting: Healing Your Inner Child......................................19911. Conflict and Intimacy.........................................................21712. Pillow Talk: Sexual Communication.............................................237PART THREE BEYOND COUNTER-DEPENDENCY: PATHWAYS TO PARTNERSHIP13. Creating Partnership Relationships............................................25914. Creating the Partnership Society..............................................28715. How We Created a Partnership Relationship.....................................305Acknowledgments...................................................................321Notes.............................................................................323Bibliography......................................................................329Index.............................................................................333About the Authors.................................................................341

Chapter One

But he's a human being, and a terrible thing is happening to him. So attention must be paid. He is not to be allowed to fall into his grave like an old dog. Attention must be finally paid to such a person. - Arthur Miller

In an earlier book, Breaking Free of the Co-dependency Trap, we identified the cause of co-dependency as a failure to complete the bonding process - one of the most important developmental processes of early childhood. We explained how to complete this process and eliminate co-dependency problems.

AN OVERVIEW OF THE PROBLEM

Co-dependent behaviors are rather easy to identify, much easier to identify than counter-dependent behaviors. Major signs of co-dependency are evidenced in some of the following ways:

feeling anxious and insecure without knowing why

constantly worrying that others will reject you

feeling trapped in an abusive relationship

not trusting yourself and your own decisions

taking care of others instead of yourself

trying to please others

having few or no personal boundaries

not knowing what you want or need

acting like a victim or martyr

By contrast, hidden away in an office building somewhere is a person working late at night whose counter-dependent behaviors may be less apparent though just as dysfunctional. People who display counter-dependent behaviors probably have the same unmet needs for closeness and intimacy that people with co-dependent behaviors have, but these needs are hidden - not only from others but also from themselves, because counter-dependent people make judgments about needy people. These counter-dependent individuals do in fact have some justification for feeling this way. Previously, when they revealed their weaknesses and vulnerability, someone made fun of them or ignored them because of it.

How can you tell if an adult has counter-dependent behaviors? When you review the following list of characteristic behaviors, you will likely recognize some that remind you more of a two-year-old than of an adult. This isn't surprising, because people whose social and emotional needs aren't met in the first three years of their lives carry them around. These needs then emerge in adult relationships and interfere with intimacy. This is the chief cause of counter-dependent behaviors in adults. When individuals simply do not get their developmental needs met in childhood, they find themselves just "playing grown-up."

Characteristics of Counter-dependency

As you read the list of characteristics, see how many of these behaviors you recognize in yourself. The first step in understanding your counter-dependent attempts to meet your vital developmental needs is to identify your compensating behaviors. Do you:

have trouble getting close to people?

have trouble sustaining closeness in intimate relationships?

tend to view people as bad or wrong when you leave them or they leave you?

have trouble feeling your feelings other than justified anger or sadness?

have fears of other people controlling you?

tend to say no to the new ideas of others?

rebel against or move away from people who try to get too close to you?

get anxious in close, intimate relationships?

feel constantly afraid you will make a mistake?

try to be perfect and expect others to be perfect?

refrain from asking for help even when you need it?

have a strong need to be right?

have thick layers of muscle or fat across your shoulders, chest, or abdomen that create a kind of body armor?

get afraid of being consumed by the needs of others?

fear that others will reject you if you show your weaknesses or fears?

get bored easily and need to seek new thrills?

make high demands on yourself or others?

tend to see people as all good or all bad, depending on how they relate to you?

work long hours during the week and go into work on weekends too?

keep very busy with hobbies, recreation, or other projects?

find it difficult to relax and do nothing?

have difficulty with free play or unstructured time?

have fits of anger when you don't get your way?

take outrageous risks in sports or business dealings that you secretly hope will make you rich and famous?

believe you're entitled to have others treat you in special ways?

Like people with co-dependent behaviors, people with counter-dependent behaviors also have a sense that they are not whole without the help of someone else. However, they try to hide this fact from others so they can appear as if they really don't need other people. In order to maintain this deception, they often sink an enormous amount of energy into fooling themselves and others regarding the depth and range of their needs.

They often do this through an almost compulsive adherence to activities that others will value and reward, such as work, hobbies, recreation, exercise, or community activities, all of which serve to keep them busy and make them look good. In this way, they are actually hiding from...