CHAPTER 1

The First Time

How deep the need is to tell the story, to hear it to the end.

—Susan Griffin, A Chorus of Stones

One of the most significant stories a woman can tell is the experience of herfirst sexual intercourse. Not only is the event a traditional rite of passageinto womanhood, but it is the door to one of the most intriguing and sacredsides of herself—her sexuality. Unfortunately, for many women the first timethey have intercourse isn't by choice: prey to miseducation, abuse, coercion, oroutright violence, they have the decision taken from them. For others, however,it is the beginning of sexual discovery and romance, independence and physicalcommunication; in fact, many young women feel it's the first adult decision thatthey are able to make.

No matter what the experience—joyful or scarring, meaningful or seemingirrelevant—it can mark the threshold of the expression of our physicalrelationship with others. The stories we hold and the stories we tell of thistime are important to us as individuals—and as girls and women trying to makesense of the mysterious and intriguing experience of sex.

Several years ago, I remember looking in bookstores through categories ofbooks on women's issues and sexuality. There were books on masturbation, ontantric loving, on improving both heterosexual and homosexual technique. A waveof erotic literature had hit the mainstream, along with several landmark studiesabout female sexuality. But nothing on virginity loss except a few statistics onage of sexual initiation. With all of the books talking about the practicalitiesand the erotic, the emotional experience—how our heart and soul are affected bysex—was almost completely ignored.

I found it odd that in all that research, all that exploration of femalesexuality, nobody had broached the topic and asked any questions: How did youfeel about "losing your virginity"? What was it like, emotionally andphysically? The subject seemed almost purposefully ignored, as though it weretaboo, inconsequential, or simply a can of worms that nobody was willing toopen. Our society has exploited and sensationalized sex in every way possible,yet we have profoundly neglected the engaged heart and body—and the passage thatleads to or tears us away from this.

Granted, it is difficult to study and explore psychological and emotionalexperience. The range of variables, as well as the fear people have of revealingintimate details, make it nearly impossible. But I wanted to know what otherwomen felt about their "first time," what impact it had on their futuresexuality, and how their sexual selves unfolded.

I began by drafting a questionnaire, testing it out, and revising it until itwas impartial yet specific enough to get honest answers to my questions. My maingoal was to create a safe space for women to share the intimate details of theirstories, no matter what their experience. I wanted to provide a forum for womento express themselves, a way to talk about not only the event itself, but alsohow they felt about it and how their sexuality evolved as a result of it. Iasked open-ended questions, which I hoped would lead each woman to anexploration of the emotional aspect of her sexuality, a chance to see patternsand turning points, beginning with sexual initiation.

Over one thousand questionnaires went out to such women's organizations asshelters, support groups, professional associations, clubs, colleges, andspecial-interest groups. I also interviewed women who felt more comfortablespeaking than writing, from homeless women to busy working mothers.

More than 150 women from all walks of life—teachers and students,psychologists and writers, waitresses and security guards, lawyers andministers, prostitutes and sorority members—answered the questionnaire. Theaverage (median, mean, andmode) age of first intercourse was seventeen. AlthoughI tried to get as broad a racial mix as possible, the overwhelming majority ofrespondents were white—eighty-five percent—were Caucasian. Nine percent wereAfrican American, three percent Hispanic, and three percent Asian. I triedspecifically to reach minority women through a variety of organizations, clubs,and personal contacts, but social and/ or ethnic taboos about discussingsexuality might have discouraged some women from answering, as well as the factthat I am a white, middle-class woman. Many religious upbringings wererepresented, including Protestant, Jewish, and Catholic.

Geographically, the largest number of respondents were from California, makingup 20 percent of the total. Regionally, 31 percent came from the West, 33percent from the Midwest, 9 percent from the Southeast, and 25 percent from theNortheast; 2 percent from outside the United States. Approximately 10 percent ofthe respondents defined themselves as lesbians; about 25 percent have had asexual encounter with another woman.

The lack of response from older women was particularly noticeable. Age rangedfrom thirteen to seventy-four, but the average age was thirty-three. It's nothard to imagine that for older women, who grew up in a very different socialclimate, the mere inquiry was an invasion. A few wrote to tell me so. Oneseventy-five-year-old white Presbyterian said, "Thank you for the questionnaire,but I shall have to let you down. My friends and I were raised in a fardifferent era—with different standards and a different moral code. There were notherapists or self-help groups. If we had any problems, we 'shed a few tears,''thought we would die,' and in a few days were back to normal. Sounds simple, Iknow. So to fill out your questionnaire just isn't part of our world. I hope youunderstand."

"I have to just keep telling myself that these are changing times," writes aseventy-six-year-old black woman from South Carolina. "My granddaughters try tokeep me up on things, but sometimes I cannot believe how things have changed.The things they do, the things they talk about! I am trying to accept that it'sa different world, but I'd like to keep my own story and bedroom goings-on tomyself."

A sixty-seven-year-old white Catholic from Massachusetts echoes thissentiment: "There are some things in life that I feel should be your very own.Also, because of my very early training to not unburden myself to others, Idon't think I ever felt close enough to any woman to discuss such intimatedetails."

A few other women wrote back to say that they were refusing to fill out thequestionnaire or talk to me. The reasons varied, but often the reactions wererevealing. One eighty-year-old woman said, "It happened so long ago, has...