How To Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More Of What Matters Most

A globally renowned happiness scientist and a top relationship researcher draw on the science of happiness, love and human connection to offer a powerful framework for feeling truly appreciated and fulfilled.

‘There aren't two scientists in the world I trust more to deliver research-backed, actionable recommendations on how to improve your relationships.’ ANGELA DUCKWORTH, bestselling author of Grit

'This book might change your life. ' ARTHUR C. BROOKS, bestselling author of The Happiness Files

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Many people believe that if they behave the right way, say the right things, or make themselves more lovable, they will feel more loved. But this kind of reflexive thinking is fundamentally misguided, causing a disconnect that can lead to loneliness, depression and self-doubt.

Sonja Lyubomirsky, the world’s preeminent expert on happiness, and Harry Reis, one of the world’s leading experts on relationships and connection, have studied the complexities of well-being and love in depth. In How to Feel Loved they present a radical, hopeful, and science-backed shift in how to think about love.

They reveal that feeling loved isn’t about making ourselves more appealing ― it’s about showing our full and vulnerable selves to others and encouraging our loved ones to do the same. They introduce five powerful mindsets to help us feel the love we crave:

A Sharing mindset ― showing our vulnerabilities and inner world, not just the polished parts
A Listening-to-Learn mindset ― making space to truly tune in to another, not just to take turns speaking
A Radical Curiosity mindset ― being genuinely interested in another and asking better questions
An Open-Heart mindset ― being kind and affirming to another for who they truly are
A Multiplicity mindset ― embracing the messy complexity in all of us

These mindset shifts give shape to a dynamic back-and-forth process the authors call the Relationship See-Saw, which will help readers remake their conversations in ways that enable them to deeply know those they love and become deeply known by them.

It isn’t enough to be loved. To be truly fulfilled, we must feel loved. This book shows us how.

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More praise for How to Feel Loved

'A gift to anyone who wants to live with more joy and connection.' DAN BUETTNER, bestselling author of The Blue Zones

'This is the book we’ve been waiting for! Lyubomirsky and Reis marry the best happiness science with the best relationship science to identify the five mindsets for building a life filled with love.' ELI J. FINKEL, bestselling author of The All-Or-Nothing Marriage

Sonja Lyubomirsky is Distinguished Professor at the University of California, Riverside and author of the bestselling The How of Happiness and The Myths of Happiness, which has been translated in thirty-nine countries. She has received numerous awards for her work and has been featured in a wide range of media, including the New York Times, the Washington Post, and The Atlantic and on the Today show, NPR, and CNN. She lives in Santa Monica, California, with her family.

Harry T. Reis is Dean's Professor in the Department of Psychology at the University of Rochester, which honoured him with the Georgen Award for Distinguished Achievement and Artistry in Teaching in 2009. He has received many other awards, and his work is frequently featured in the media, including NPR’s Hidden Brain, Scientific American, Psychology Today, and the New York Times. He lives in Rochester, New York, with his family.