DOOR OF HOPE

THOMAS NELSON

Contents

Foreword..................................................................viAcknowledgments...........................................................ixIntroduction..............................................................xi1. Healing Emotional Wounds...............................................12. Step I. Face the Problem...............................................93. Step II. Recount the Incident..........................................334. Step III. Experience the Feelings......................................455. Step IV. Establish Responsibility......................................556. Step V. Trace Behavioral Difficulties and Symptoms.....................757. Step VI. Observe Others and Educate Yourself...........................858. Step VII. Confront the Aggressor.......................................939. Step VIII. Acknowledge Forgiveness.....................................11710. Step IX. Rebuild Self-image and Relationships.........................13911. Step X. Express Concern and Empathize with Others.....................15312. Restoration—His Redeeming Work..................................165Commonly Asked Questions about Abuse and Recovery.........................175About the Author..........................................................222Notes.....................................................................223Books for Further Reading.................................................27

Chapter One

When words fail, tears flow. —Chuck Swindoli

One crisp evening, I was at a women's retreat (sharing my FREE TO CARE recovery steps for the healing of emotional wounds when I noticed Joanne sobbing quietly in the last row of the rustic meeting room. Joanne, a small vivacious woman in her thirties, related well to the other women. She had appeared trouble free, yet now she was weeping in the arms of a friend.

Several minutes after speaking I was able to work my way back to Joanne. I reached out and put my arms around her as she choked out these words, "I've never let myself cry since I lost my little boy six years ago. He was only ten months old when he died. After all these years I'm still angry at God."

Joanne gazed into my eyes and said, "When you spoke tonight, Jan, I realized I'd never fully faced Timmy's death. I've never let myself grieve completely. Everyone told me I should count my blessings since I still had two healthy children. Two months after Timmy's death, my friends said it was time to cheer up and get on with my life."

Like many of us, Joanne decided to put on a mask to cover the intensity of her pain.

When Beth, a strikingly beautiful pastor's wife, approached me for counseling at a women's brunch, I wondered what could be wrong. As we sat on a step beneath the platform her story unfolded. She was a victim of molestation as a child and had an abortion as a teenager. Only recently she had learned her husband was having an affair with one of her friends. Tears welled up in Beth's eyes as she asked, "What do I do? I'm so hurt. My husband has admitted his affair. He's told me we have to forget about it and go on for the sake of his ministry." Beth trembled slightly, then added, "He's refused to answer any of my questions because he says forgiveness means not being concerned about the details. I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to and I can't get over some of the feelings I'm having. Jan, what you said today made sense. I know I need to go through this healing process if I am going to be free."

Like many of us, Beth assumed forgiveness means covering the pain and pretending it do can't exist.

Last week my phone rang while I was preparing dinner. "Jan?" came the troubled voice on the other end. "This is Charlotte. I'm going to kill myself if I don't get some answers."

I whispered a quick prayer for guidance and asked, "Charlotte, what happened?"

"I don't know what to think anymore," she answered. "I went to my pastor for counseling today. His first question to me was, 'Why haven't you been in church?' I explained to him that I'm having trouble relating to God because of my past, but that I'm currently in therapy trying to work things out. He cut me off, saying, 'You don't need therapy. Just start being obedient and get your life right with God.'"

As I listened to Charlotte, her voice became more desperate. "Jan, when I tried to explain to my pastor that being molested as a child had taken a toll on my life and marriage, he immediately corrected me. He said the problem was my rebelliousness and that I just needed to be submissive to my abusive ex-husband and to quit going to therapy for the answers that only God could give."

Charlotte paused then blurted, "Jan, I was so shook up after the session, I called a friend from church who had been my confidante in the past. When I told her what the pastor said, she fully supported him. She added, 'If you don't get your life in shape, Charlotte, God told me He's going to take away your little girl and your house and you'll live alone the rest of your life.' She ended by saying, 'God is your only hope, so you'd better straighten up.'"

Sobbing, she continued, "Jan, if that's really who God is, then I might as well kill myself."

Like many of us, Charlotte 'd view of God had been distorted by her experienced in life.

My own parents divorced when I was five years old. When I was eight, Mother remarried. My stepfather was a Christian man who attended church regularly. At the age often I went forward in an evening church service and asked Christ into my life as my personal Savior. Three weeks later my stepfather molested me.

Incest! The word is ugly. The act is devastating.

Years passed. I married a wonderful Christian man and two years into our marriage our first little girl was born. In the days that followed, the harder I tried to care for our vulnerable, colicky baby, the more desperate and out-of-control I became. That desperation triggered the memory of the helplessness that I felt as a ten-year-old. My past began to haunt me. Migraine headaches and nightmares became frequent. I struggled with intense, explosive anger. I was depressed, critical with my husband and I felt undeserving of God's love. I had prayed for years that God would help me forgive my stepfather so that I could go on with my life. I thought that was all there was to it. But I was wrong.

The Holy Spirit showed me that I needed to go through a healing process. The rest of this book details that ten-step process.

Throughout the book I have attempted to balance real-life experiences, biblical principles and current factual literature. I have focused on the incest victim, not only because of my personal experience, but because I am convinced after counseling thousands of persons that sexual victimization in childhood is pandemic. "Statistics indicate that thirty-four million women in the United States are victims of child sexual abuse. It is estimated that a child is molested every two minutes." A recent Los Angeles Times poll showed that nearly one out of every four people in the United States has been molested as a child; and that for every victim known, nine are hidden.

As I've shared my ten-step FREE TO CARE recovery plan nationwide, I've found that it applies to any emotional wound we may have suffered. This is not a simplistic plan that can be carried out in a matter of weeks. Nor is it a...