The Department of Homeland Decency: Decency Rules and Regulations Manual

A humorous handbook from America's 'Department of Homeland Decency' cites the mandatory rules of good behavior designed to free the country from indecency, radicals, leftists, hedonists, drug addicts, college professors, and other proponents of bad behavior

[SECTION I]

Decency Begins in the Home

Sound scientists who consult for DOHD have proven that it is just a short journey from an indecent, unkempt home to teen pregnancies, abortions, terrorists lurking in our shopping malls, atheists and liberals working hard to destroy Christmas, activist judges allowing OHFs to get married, and the end of life in the Homeland as we know it.

To stop this, Homeland families must now meet certain Home and Yard Guidelines. These are simple to adapt to anyone's life. Those who have trouble--say, removing dandelions from their yards--will find that in the new, improved (i.e., decent) Homeland, their neighbors will not tolerate it and will report these indecencies to us. This can be avoided by learning the major Home and Yard Guidelines for Decency and following them to the letter.

ARTICLE I: DECENCY TRUMPS PRIVACY

(OR, YOUR HOUSE IS OUR HOUSE)

The Heart of the Homeland is the home. Nowhere else is the need for decency in all things more crucial. Indeed, our march backwards to the future begins in the home.

While DOHD believes a man's home is his castle, decency trumps privacy in all matters of the Homeland.5 DOHD has the keys to every castle, including yours.

ARTICLE II: A PERFECT HOMELAND FAMILY

In the home, Mommy and Daddy, along with their children, maintain a loving relationship that is based on hard work, discipline, and knowing one's place in the Homeland's grand and glorious scheme for decency. Daddy works hard and provides for the family.

Mommy also works very hard, but in the home. It is her responsibility to wash, dust, mop, disinfect, pick up, hang up, create order and sterility throughout the home, and get pregnant often. She shops and cooks and has dinner on the table for Daddy when he returns home. She submits to her husband in the acceptable Homeland Way. (For specifics, see Section II, Article II: Doing "It" the Homeland Way.)

The children are quiet, disciplined, and maintain a healthy fear of their parents.6 If the children are homeschooled by Mommy, they remain in the home until after school and homework is completed. After that, boys may go outside and engage in decent and wholesome war games. Little girls should remain indoors and play with dolls.

ARTICLE III: PROPER NUTRITION

BEGINS AT HOME

Nutrition is Mommy's responsibility, so she must familiarize herself with what a growing family needs. Our great Homeland food industry is working hard to feed the Homeland with ever-more-nutritious, genetically modified meals enhanced with salt and sugar for great taste and preservatives to make them last.

RED MEAT. Meat nurtured the pioneers in the Old West. Homelanders should honor this history by eating even more meat than the pioneers ever dreamed possible. Homeland meat is safe and good for us and the economy. Families that don't eat meat become weak and pale and unable to defend their country against the forces of indecency, which are often non-meat-eating terrorists.

Vegetarianism is unacceptable in the Homeland. It places the Homeland at terrible risk.

ORGANIC FOODS. Organic products tend to be expensive, small, bruised, sugar-free, and produced or manufactured without the aid of our Homeland fertilizer/insecticide/herbicide corporations. The Mommy who buys fresh fruits and vegetables exclusively is not taking advantage of the frozen and processed foods that Homeland manufacturers strive so hard to make uniform and attractive. Additionally, fresh organic food does not have a long shelf life and is therefore of no use to Homeland families during crises (e.g., blizzards, terrorist attacks on traditional marriage, activist judges' decisions).

THE REFRIGERATOR. What you put on the outside of your refrigerator says as much about you as the inside. Grocery lists are wholesome. Doonesbury comic strips are not.

ARTICLE IV: A PERFECT EXTERIOR

Weeds signify a lack of discipline and personal responsibility. DOHD strives for a chemical service sign on every lawn to show that homeowners care about liberating the Homeland of dandelions, crabgrass, creeping Jenny and Charlie, or clover. Weeds are often used by the indecent to cover up anything in the yard that might be smokable, psychedelic, or mind-altering.

The lawn should be mowed in an easy-to-understand back-and-forth pattern. Artistic willy-nilly mowing is not easy to understand and is often a coded message to other members of hidden sleeper cells of the indecent.

Gardens should not spill over onto lawns. There must be a clear line between the two, just as there is a clear line between decency and indecency. Wildflowers or anything termed "native" is not an acceptable substitute for grass.7

Shrubbery must be modest and not take up more space than the lawn. There should always be more lawn than shrubbery, gardens, and garden ornaments. When planting any new yard, please refer to the DOHD "Manual on Lawns" for lawn-to-shrubbery-to-garden-to-lawn ornament ratios.

Those who wish to ornament their yards may do so, but not in a way that draws undue attention. Gnomes, wishing wells with elves, creches or mangers (any time of the year), jockeys, deer, the Homeland's flag, or wooden cutouts of the backside of an elderly woman bending over her garden are all acceptable.

A UN flag, lawn signs protesting any Homeland policy or practice, and peace signs are not. A yard cluttered8 with peace signs or the UN flag interferes with your neighbor's right to decency.

ARTICLE V: THE HOME LOOKSEE

Agents will make random checks of every Homeland citizen's home. You may assist the DOHD agents by always keeping your drapes open. Closed drapes raise suspicion. When you see the big black DOHD SUVs in your neighborhood, turn on your lights both outside and inside. Call someone on the phone as well, so agents can listen in. This will make it easier for DOHD agents to know what's going on in your home.

In cases where DOHD agents need to do more than just look, they will knock on your door for a more in-depth LookSee. If you are not at home, they will let themselves in with their Homeland Key.

The following is a partial listing of what a DOHD agent will look at during the typical Home LookSee. It is impossible for us to provide a complete list because new items are being added all the time, whenever we feel like it, for reasons we can't talk about because it will tip off the indecent.

OUTSIDE THE HOME

CARS. DOHD likes to see two cars parked neatly in the driveway or in the garage. They should be at least midsize sedans and preferably station wagons, vans, or SUVs. Cars must not be rusty, dented, or otherwise old. DOHD likes new cars. New cars show that you support your neighbors and the Homeland by spending money to support the Homeland auto industry.

HOUSING MATERIALS. Housing materials are left to the owner's discretion. However, solar panels indicate you are thumbing your nose at the Homeland's energy industry. This industry works tirelessly to keep the Homeland healthy and strong, and if Homelanders don't support it, it will need tax breaks and even more government support and contracts to remain robust.

INSIDE THE HOME

READING MATERIALS. What kinds of magazines are on your coffee table? Is it the Utne Reader (indecent) or The National Review (decent)? Which newspapers? Which books? Are they by Al Franken or Jon Stewart (both very indecent)? Or a Harlequin romance and the Bible (good, decent, and wholesome)? Are there books of essays on your coffee table? DOHD is opposed to essays.9

WHERE DO YOU SURF? The websites of French newspapers? Have you ever visited Michael Moore's website, even accidentally?

YOUR ANSWERING MACHINE. It will help us if you keep a list of incoming and outgoing calls, along with subject...